Short Plays

a few shares⁠— Reginald Interrupting him frantically. I never meant any harm in buying those shares. I am ready to give them up. Oh, I never meant any harm in buying those shares. I never meant any harm in buying those shares. Clutching the doctor imploringly. Won’t you believe me, Doctor. I never meant any harm in buying those shares. I never⁠— The Doctor Extricating himself and replacing Reginald on the couch, not very gently. Of course you didn’t. I know you didn’t. Reginald I never⁠— The Doctor Desperate. Don’t go on saying that over and over again or you will drive us all as distracted as you are yourself. This is nothing but nerves. Remember that you’re in a hotel. They’ll put you out if you make a row. Reginald Tearfully. But you don’t understand. Oh, why won’t anybody understand? I never⁠— The Doctor Shouting him down. You never meant any harm in buying those shares. This is the four hundredth time you’ve said it. Reginald Wildly. Then why do you keep asking me the same questions over and over again? It’s not fair. I’ve told you I never meant any harm in⁠— The Doctor Yes, yes, yes: I know, I know. You think you made a fool of yourself before that committee. Well, you didn’t. You stood up to it for six days with the coolness of an iceberg and the cheerfulness of an idiot. Every member of it had a go at you; and every one of them, including some of the cleverest cross-examiners in London, fell back baffled before your fatuous self-satisfaction, your impenetrable inability to see any reason why you shouldn’t have bought those shares. Reginald But why shouldn’t I have bought them? I made no secret of it. When the Prime Minister ragged me about it I offered to sell him the shares for what I gave for them. The Doctor Yes, after they had fallen six points. But never mind that. The point for you is that you are an undersecretary in the War Office. You knew that the army was going to be put on vegetarian diet, and that the British Maccaroni Trust shares would go up with a rush when this became public. And what did you do? Reginald I did what any fellow would have done. I bought all the shares I could afford. The Doctor You bought a great many more than you could afford. Reginald But why shouldn’t I? Explain it to me. I’m anxious to learn. I meant no harm. I see no harm. Why am I to be badgered because the beastly Opposition papers and all the Opposition rotters on that committee try to make party capital out of it by saying that it was disgraceful? It wasn’t disgraceful: it was simple common sense. I’m not a financier; but you can’t persuade me that if you happen to know that certain shares are going to rise you shouldn’t buy them. It would be flying in the face of Providence not to. And they wouldn’t see that. They pretended not to see it. They worried me, and kept asking me the same thing over and over again, and wrote blackguardly articles about me⁠— The Doctor And you got the better of them all because you couldn’t see their point of view. But what beats me is why you broke down afterwards. Reginald Everyone was against me. I thought the committee a pack of fools; and I as good as told them so. But everyone took their part. The governor said I had disgraced the family name. My brothers said I ought to resign from my clubs. My mother said that all her hopes of marrying me to a rich woman were shattered. And I’d done nothing: absolutely nothing to what other chaps are doing every day. The Doctor Well, the long and short of it is that officials mustn’t gamble. Reginald But I wasn’t gambling. I knew. It isn’t gambling if you know that the shares will go up. It’s a cert. The Doctor Well, all I can tell you is that if you weren’t a son of the Duke of Dunmow, you’d have to resign; and⁠— Reginald Breaking down. Oh, stop talking to me about if. Let me alone. I can’t bear it. I never meant any harm in buying those shares. I never meant any harm⁠— The Doctor Sh‑sh‑sh‑sh‑sh! There: I shouldn’t have started the subject again. Take some of this valerian. He puts the glass to Reginald’s lips. That’s right. Now you’re better. Reginald Exhausted but calm. Why does valerian soothe me when it excites cats? There’s a question to reflect on! You know, they ought to have made me a philosopher. The Doctor Philosophers are born, not made. Reginald Fine old chestnut, that. Everybody’s born, not made. The Doctor You’re getting almost clever. I don’t like it: you’re not yourself today. I wish I could take your mind off your troubles. Suppose you try a little music. Reginald I can’t play. My fingers won’t obey me. And I can’t stand the sound of the piano. I sounded a note this morning; and it made me scream. The Doctor But why not get somebody to play to you? Reginald Whom could I get, even if I could bear it? You can’t play. The Doctor Well: I’m not the only person in the world. Reginald If you bring anyone else in here, I shall go mad. I’ll throw myself out of the window. I can’t bear the idea of music. I dread it, hate it, loathe it. The Doctor That’s very serious, you know. Reginald Why is it serious? The Doctor Well, what would become of you without your turn for music? You have absolutely no capacity in any other direction. Reginald I’m in Parliament. And I’m an undersecretary. The Doctor That’s because your father is a Duke. If you were in a Republic you wouldn’t be trusted to clean boots, unless your father was a millionaire. No, Reginald: the day you give up vamping accompaniments and playing the latest ragtimes by ear, you’re a lost