Short Plays

all the time telling them how they might put the land into decent tillage like the French and Belgians. Sir Pearce Yes, he’s quite right, you know, Mrs. O’Flaherty: quite right there. Mrs. O’Flaherty Well, sir, please God the war will last a long time yet; and maybe I’ll die before it’s over and the separation allowance stops. O’Flaherty That’s all you care about. It’s nothing but milch cows we men are for the women, with their separation allowances, ever since the war began, bad luck to them that made it! Teresa Coming from the porch between the General and Mrs. O’Flaherty. Hannah sent me out for to tell you, sir, that the tea will be black and the cake not fit to eat with the cold if yous all don’t come at wanst. Mrs. O’Flaherty Breaking out again. Oh, Tessie darlint, what have you been saying to Dinny at all at all? Oh! Oh⁠— Sir Pearce Out of patience. You can’t discuss that here. We shall have Tessie beginning now. O’Flaherty That’s right, sir: drive them in. Teresa I haven’t said a word to him. He⁠— Sir Pearce Hold your tongue; and go in and attend to your business at the tea table. Teresa But amment I telling your honor that I never said a word to him? He gave me a beautiful gold chain. Here it is to show your honor that it’s no lie I’m telling you. Sir Pearce What’s this, O’Flaherty? You’ve been looting some unfortunate officer. O’Flaherty No, sir: I stole it from him of his own accord. Mrs. O’Flaherty Wouldn’t your honor tell him that his mother has the first call on it? What would a slip of a girl like that be doing with a gold chain round her neck? Teresa Venomously. Anyhow, I have a neck to put it round and not a hank of wrinkles. At this unfortunate remark, Mrs. O’Flaherty bounds from her seat: and an appalling tempest of wordy wrath breaks out. The remonstrances and commands of the General, and the protests and menaces of O’Flaherty, only increase the hubbub. They are soon all speaking at once at the top of their voices. Mrs. O’Flaherty Solo. You impudent young heifer, how dar you say such a thing to me? Teresa retorts furiously: the men interfere: and the solo becomes a quartet, fortissimo. Mrs. O’Flaherty I’ve a good mind to clout your ears for you to teach you manners. Be ashamed of yourself, do; and learn to know who you’re speaking to. That I maytn’t sin! but I don’t know what the good God was thinking about when he made the like of you. Let me not see you casting sheep’s eyes at my son again. There never was an O’Flaherty yet that would demean himself by keeping company with a dirty Driscoll; and if I see you next or nigh my house I’ll put you in the ditch with a flea in your ear: mind that now. Teresa Is it me you offer such a name to, you foul-mouthed, dirty-minded, lying, sloothering old sow, you? I wouldn’t soil my tongue by calling you in your right name and telling Sir Pearce what’s the common talk of the town about you. You and your O’Flahertys! setting yourself up agen the Driscolls that would never lower themselves to be seen in conversation with you at the fair. You can keep your ugly stingy lump of a son; for what is he but a common soldier? and God help the girl that gets him, say I! So the back of my hand to you, Mrs. O’Flaherty; and that the cat may tear your ugly old face! Sir Pearce Silence. Tessie: did you hear me ordering you to go into the house? Mrs. O’Flaherty! Louder. Mrs. O’Flaherty!! Will you just listen to me one moment? Please. Furiously. Do you hear me speaking to you, woman? Are you human beings or are you wild beasts? Stop that noise immediately: do you hear? Yelling. Are you going to do what I order you, or are you not? Scandalous! Disgraceful! This comes of being too familiar with you. O’Flaherty: shove them into the house. Out with the whole damned pack of you. O’Flaherty To the women. Here now: none of that, none of that. Go easy, I tell you. Hold your whisht, mother, will you, or you’ll be sorry for it after. To Teresa. Is that the way for a decent young girl to speak? Despairingly. Oh, for the Lord’s sake, shut up, will yous? Have you no respect for yourselves or your betters? Peremptorily. Let me have no more of it, I tell you. Och! the divil’s in the whole crew of you. In with you into the house this very minute and tear one another’s eyes out in the kitchen if you like. In with you. The two men seize the two women, and push them, still violently abusing one another, into the house. Sir Pearce slams the door upon them savagely. Immediately a heavenly silence falls on the summer afternoon. The two sit down out of breath; and for a long time nothing is said. Sir Pearce sits on an iron chair. O’Flaherty sits on the garden seat. The thrush begins to sing melodiously. O’Flaherty cocks his ears, and looks up at it. A smile spreads over his troubled features. Sir Pearce, with a long sigh, takes out his pipe and begins to fill it. O’Flaherty Idyllically. What a discontented sort of an animal a man is, sir! Only a month ago, I was in the quiet of the country out at the front, with not a sound except the birds and the bellow of a cow in the distance as it might be, and the shrapnel making little clouds in the heavens, and the shells whistling, and maybe a yell or two when one of us was hit; and would you believe it,