Short Plays

fatuously. Lady Magnesia But she promised me a fish slice. Fitz This is a combination fish slice and dagger. One day you have salmon for dinner. The next you have a murder to commit. See? Lady Magnesia My sweet mother-in-law! Someone knocks at the door. That is Adolphus’s knock. Fitz’s face turns a dazzling green. What has happened to your complexion? You have turned green. Now I think of it, you always do when Adolphus is mentioned. Aren’t you going to let him in? Fitz Certainly not. He goes to the door. Adolphus: you cannot enter. My wife is undressed and in bed. Lady Magnesia Rising. I am not. Come in, Adolphus. She switches on the electric light. Adolphus Without. Something most important has happened. I must come in for a moment. Fitz Calling to Adolphus. Something important happened? What is it? Adolphus Without. My new clothes have come home. Fitz He says his new clothes have come home. Lady Magnesia Running to the door and opening it. Oh, come in, come in. Let me see. Adolphus Bastable enters. He is in evening dress, made in the latest fashion, with the right half of the coat and the left half of the trousers yellow and the other halves black. His silver-spangled waistcoat has a crimson handkerchief stuck between it and his shirt front. Adolphus What do you think of it? Lady Magnesia It is a dream! a creation! She turns him about to admire him. Adolphus Proudly. I shall never be mistaken for a waiter again. Fitz A drink, Adolphus? Adolphus Thanks. Fitztollemache goes to the cupboard and takes out a tray with tumblers and a bottle of whisky. He puts them on the dressing table. Fitz Is the gazogene full? Lady Magnesia Yes: you put in the powders yourself today. Fitz Sardonically. So I did. The special powders! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! His face Is again strangely variegated. Lady Magnesia Your complexion is really going to pieces. Why do you laugh in that silly way at nothing? Fitz Nothing! Ha, ha! Nothing! Ha, ha, ha! Adolphus I hope, Mr. Fitztollemache, you are not laughing at my clothes. I warn you that I am an Englishman. You may laugh at my manners, at my brains, at my national institutions; but if you laugh at my clothes, one of us must die. Thunder. Fitz I laughed but at the irony of Fate. He takes a gazogene from the cupboard. Adolphus Satisfied. Oh, that! Oh, yes, of course! Fitz Let us drown all unkindness in a loving cup. He puts the gazogene on the floor in the middle of the room. Pardon the absence of a table: we found it in the way and pawned it. He takes the whisky bottle from the dressing table. Lady Magnesia We picnic at home now. It is delightful. She takes three tumblers from the dressing table and sits on the floor, presiding over the gazogene, with Fitz and Adolphus squatting on her left and right respectively. Fitz pours whisky into the tumblers. Fitz As Magnesia is about to squirt soda into his tumbler. Stay! No soda for me. Let Adolphus have it all⁠—all. I will take mine neat. Lady Magnesia Proffering tumbler to Adolphus. Pledge me, Adolphus. Fitz Kiss the cup, Magnesia. Pledge her, man. Drink deep. Adolphus To Magnesia! Fitz To Magnesia! The two men drink. It is done. Scrambling to his feet. Adolphus: you have but ten minutes to live⁠—if so long. Adolphus What mean you? Magnesia Rising. My mind misgives me. I have a strange feeling here. Touching her heart. Adolphus So have I, but lower down. Touching his stomach. That gazogene is disagreeing with me. Fitz It was poisoned! Sensation. Adolphus Rising. Help! Police! Fitz Dastard! you would appeal to the law! Can you not die like a gentleman? Adolphus But so young! when I have only worn my new clothes once. Magnesia It is too horrible. To Fitz. Fiend! what drove you to this wicked deed? Fitz Jealousy. You admired his clothes: you did not admire mine. Adolphus My clothes! His face lights up with heavenly radiance. Have I indeed been found worthy to be the first clothes-martyr? Welcome, death! Hark! angels call me. The celestial choir again raises its favorite chant. He listens with a rapt expression. Suddenly the angels sing out of tune; and the radiance on the poisoned man’s face turns a sickly green. Yah⁠—ah! Oh⁠—ahoo! The gazogene is disagreeing extremely. Oh! He throws himself on the bed, writhing. Magnesia To Fitz. Monster: what have you done? She points to the distorted figure on the bed. That was once a Man, beautiful and glorious. What have you made of it? A writhing, agonized, miserable, moribund worm. Adolphus In a tone of the strongest remonstrance. Oh, I say! Oh, come! No: look here, Magnesia! Really! Magnesia Oh, is this a time for petty vanity? Think of your misspent life⁠— Adolphus Much injured. Whose misspent life? Magnesia Continuing relentlessly. Look into your conscience: look into your stomach. Adolphus collapses in hideous spasms. She turns to Fitz. And this is your handiwork! Fitz Mine is a passionate nature, Magnesia. I must have your undivided love. I must have your love: do you hear? Love! Love!! Love!!! Love!!!! Love!!!!! He raves, accompanied by a fresh paroxysm from the victim on the bed. Magnesia With sudden resolution. You shall have it. Fitz Enraptured. Magnesia! I have recovered your love! Oh, how slight appears the sacrifice of this man compared to so glorious a reward! I would poison ten men without a thought of self to gain one smile from you. Adolphus In a broken voice. Farewell, Magnesia: my last hour is at hand. Farewell, farewell, farewell! Magnesia At this supreme moment, George Fitztollemache, I solemnly dedicate to you all that I formerly dedicated to poor Adolphus. Adolphus Oh, please not poor Adolphus yet. I still live, you know. Magnesia The vital spark but flashes before it vanishes. Adolphus groans. And now,