Short Plays

by surprise. I shall lead off with my left on your right eye. Put them up. Mercer I ain’t going to fight you. Let me alone, will you? I said nothing to you. Brabazon Liar and slave. Fight, I tell you: fight. Mercer Oh, was there ever the like of this? Don’t make such a noise. Brabazon I’m making it on purpose. I want you to fight because it’ll make more noise than anything else. The Lord Chancellor will come to see what the noise is about if only it’s loud enough. Time! He spars. Mercer Retreating to the fireplace and snatching up the poker. Ah, would you? You come near me, and I’ll split your head open, I will. Brabazon Snatching up the tongs, and engaging him in a stage fight of the noisiest. Lay on, Macduff; and damned be he that first cries Hold! Enough! The Lord Chancellor enters indignantly. The Lord Chancellor What’s this? Who is this gentleman? Brabazon The Lord Chancellor. Good. To Mercer. Hence, horrible shadow: unreal mockery, hence. My lord, I have called on professional business. In the matter of Brabazon, an infant. The Lord Chancellor If you are a solicitor, sir, you must be aware that this is not the proper way to approach the Court. Brabazon I approach you as the father of all the orphans in Chancery. The Lord Chancellor Sir⁠— Brabazon Don’t fly out: I’ll explain everything. You remember the matter of Brabazon, an infant. Come, now! frankly as man to man you do remember the matter of Brabazon, an infant. The Lord Chancellor There is such a case, I believe. Brabazon Of course there is. Well, I’m the infant. I’m Brabazon. I’ll call thee Hamlet! King! father! Royal Dane: wilt thou not answer me? Prosaically. Now you see, don’t you? The Lord Chancellor You are young Horace Brabazon, are you? Brabazon I am, my lord. Such is life! The Lord Chancellor You are a ward of the Court; and you have systematically disobeyed every order made in your case. Brabazon The orders were unreasonable. Fatuous, in fact. The Lord Chancellor Sir⁠— Brabazon Let me explain. One of the orders was that I was to go into the Church. The Lord Chancellor At your own desire. Brabazon Exactly. But I should not have been indulged. I was too young. How did I know what was good for me? I put it to you as one man to another: do I look like an archbishop? The Lord Chancellor Stuff, sir. Brabazon As you say, nothing could have been more idiotic. You ought to have known better. No: the Church is not in my line. Nature intended me for the stage. The Unreal Mockery here was practising Macduff with me when you came in. Now what I want to know is, can you get me an engagement. As your ward, I have a right to expect that of you. You must know lots of people who could give me a start. And there’s another thing: very important. I⁠—Oh, by the way, won’t you sit down? Excuse me keeping you standing all this time. Macduff: a chair. The Lord Chancellor With ironic politeness. You are too good. He sits down. Brabazon Don’t mention it. Well, you know: I want some good home influence to steady me. You see you can’t steady me: you’re too much occupied here with your shop: besides, you may shake a loose leg yourself occasionally for all the public knows, eh? Even if you are virtuous, I should probably lead you astray. No: what I want is a wife. Not a young woman, you know. Someone old enough to be my mother: say thirty or so. I adore a mature woman. Not old enough to be your mother, you understand: old enough to be my mother. I attach some importance to that distinction; so be good enough to bear it in mind. One mustn’t overdo these notions. The Lord Chancellor Mr. Mercer, will you be good enough to make a careful note of this gentleman’s requirements: an engagement at a leading theatre to play Macbeth, and a wife of quiet habits and grave disposition. Anything else, Mr. Brabazon? Brabazon Nothing today, thank you. And now, I know better than to take up the time of a busy man. Happy to have made your acquaintance. So long! Ta, ta, Macduff. He goes out. The Lord Chancellor What do you mean by letting this lunatic in, Mr. Mercer? I’m extremely annoyed. Mercer I didn’t let him in, my lord. He came in. I was keeping him from you at the risk of my life when you came in to ask what the noise was. The Lord Chancellor With emotion. My faithful Mercer. Mercer My honored master. They shake hands, weeping. The Lord Chancellor We were happy together until this man came between us. Mercer Let us try to forget him, my lord. Turns to his desk and sees Brabazon’s walking stick on the floor. My lord, he has left his walking stick behind. He will return for it. Let us fly. He picks it up and puts it on the desk. The Lord Chancellor Nonsense, Mercer: we have no aeroplane; and if we had we shouldn’t know how to use it. Hark! A visitor at the door. They both rush to it. The handle is turned. Tell him we have both gone out. Mercer Useless, my lord: he is a man of strong reasoning powers: he would conclude, on hearing our voices, that we were both within. A Woman’s Voice Is anybody there? Let me in. She rattles the door. The Lord Chancellor That is the voice of a young and probably beautiful woman. Mercer It is, my lord. The Lord Chancellor Then why the dickens don’t you open the door instead of striking melodramatic attitudes? How dare you keep the lady waiting? I’m very much annoyed. Mercer I’m sorry, my lord. He opens the door. Anastasia Vulliamy enters. Anastasia To Mercer. Is this the Lord Chancellor’s? Mercer Yes. Anastasia Sir Cardonius Boshington’s? Mercer Yes, ma’am. Anastasia Are you the Lord Chancellor? Mercer No, ma’am. Leastways, not yet.