Heartbreak House

Young Lady A wild-looking old gentleman came and looked in at the window; and I heard him calling out, “Nurse, there is a young and attractive female waiting in the poop. Go and see what she wants.” Are you the nurse? The Womanservant Yes, miss: I’m Nurse Guinness. That was old Captain Shotover, Mrs. Hushabye’s father. I heard him roaring; but I thought it was for something else. I suppose it was Mrs. Hushabye that invited you, ducky? The Young Lady I understood her to do so. But really I think I’d better go. Nurse Guinness Oh, don’t think of such a thing, miss. If Mrs. Hushabye has forgotten all about it, it will be a pleasant surprise for her to see you, won’t it? The Young Lady It has been a very unpleasant surprise to me to find that nobody expects me. Nurse Guinness You’ll get used to it, miss: this house is full of surprises for them that don’t know our ways. Captain Shotover Looking in from the hall suddenly: an ancient but still hardy man with an immense white beard, in a reefer jacket with a whistle hanging from his neck. Nurse, there is a holdall and a handbag on the front steps for everybody to fall over. Also a tennis racquet. Who the devil left them there? The Young Lady They are mine, I’m afraid. The Captain Advancing to the drawing table. Nurse, who is this misguided and unfortunate young lady? Nurse Guinness She says Miss Hessy invited her, sir. The Captain And had she no friend, no parents, to warn her against my daughter’s invitations? This is a pretty sort of house, by heavens! A young and attractive lady is invited here. Her luggage is left on the steps for hours; and she herself is deposited in the poop and abandoned, tired and starving. This is our hospitality. These are our manners. No room ready. No hot water. No welcoming hostess. Our visitor is to sleep in the toolshed, and to wash in the duckpond. Nurse Guinness Now it’s all right, Captain: I’ll get the lady some tea; and her room shall be ready before she has finished it. To the Young Lady. Take off your hat, ducky; and make yourself at home. She goes to the door leading to the hall. The Captain As she passes him. Ducky! Do you suppose, woman, that because this young lady has been insulted and neglected, you have the right to address her as you address my wretched children, whom you have brought up in ignorance of the commonest decencies of social intercourse? Nurse Guinness Never mind him, doty. Quite unconcerned, she goes out into the hall on her way to the kitchen. The Captain Madam, will you favor me with your name? He sits down in the big wicker chair. The Young Lady My name is Ellie Dunn. The Captain Dunn! I had a boatswain whose name was Dunn. He was originally a pirate in China. He set up as a ship’s chandler with stores which I have every reason to believe he stole from me. No doubt he became rich. Are you his daughter? Ellie Indignant. No: certainly not. I am proud to be able to say that though my father has not been a successful man, nobody has ever had one word to say against him. I think my father is the best man I have ever known. The Captain He must be greatly changed. Has he attained the seventh degree of concentration? Ellie I don’t understand. The Captain But how could he, with a daughter? I, madam, have two daughters. One of them is Hesione Hushabye, who invited you here. I keep this house: she upsets it. I desire to attain the seventh degree of concentration: she invites visitors and leaves me to entertain them. Nurse Guinness returns with the tea-tray, which she places on the teak table. I have a second daughter who is, thank God, in a remote part of the Empire with her numskull of a husband. As a child she thought the figurehead of my ship, the Dauntless, the most beautiful thing on earth. He resembled it. He had the same expression: wooden yet enterprising. She married him, and will never set foot in this house again. Nurse Guinness Carrying the table, with the tea-things on it, to Ellie’s side. Indeed you never were more mistaken. She is in England this very moment. You have been told three times this week that she is coming home for a year for her health. And very glad you should be to see your own daughter again after all these years. The Captain I am not glad. The natural term of the affection of the human animal for its offspring is six years. My daughter Ariadne was born when I was forty-six. I am now eighty-eight. If she comes, I am not at home. If she wants anything, let her take it. If she asks for me, let her be informed that I am extremely old, and have totally forgotten her. Nurse Guinness That’s no talk to offer to a young lady. Here, ducky, have some tea; and don’t listen to him. She pours out a cup of tea. The Captain Rising wrathfully. Now before high heaven they have given this innocent child Indian tea: the stuff they tan their own leather insides with. He seizes the cup and the teapot and empties both into the leathern bucket. Ellie Almost in tears. Oh, please! I am so tired. I should have been glad of anything. Nurse Guinness Oh, what a thing to do! The poor lamb is ready to drop. The Captain You shall have some of my tea. Do not touch that flyblown cake: nobody eats it here except the dogs. He disappears into the pantry. Nurse Guinness There’s a man for you! They say he sold himself to the devil in Zanzibar before he was a captain; and the older he grows the more I believe them. A Woman’s Voice In the