The Golden Ass

how they being old and weak, thrust their heads into the manger: they had their necks all wounded and worn away: they rated their nostrils with a continual cough, their sides were bare with their harness and great travel, their ribs were broken with beating, their hooves were battered broad with incessant labour, and their skin rugged by reason of their lankness. When I saw this dreadful sight, I began to fear, least I should come to the like state: and considering with myself the good fortune which I was sometime in when I was a man, I greatly lamented, holding down my head, and would eat no meat, but I saw no comfort or consolation of my evil fortune, saving that my mind was somewhat recreated to hear and understand what every man said, for they neither feared nor doubted my presence. At that time I remembered how Homer the divine author of ancient Poetry, described him to be a wise man, which had travelled diverse countries and nations, wherefore I gave great thanks to my ass for me, in that by this means I had seen the experience of many things, and was become more wise (notwithstanding the great misery and labour which I daily sustained): but I will tell you a pretty jest, which commeth now to my remembrance, to the intent your ears may be delighted in hearing the same.

XL

How Apuleius was handled by the baker’s wife, which was a harlot.

The baker which bought me was an honest and sober man; but his wife was the most pestilent woman in all the world, insomuch that he endured many miseries and afflictions with her, so that I myself did secretly pity his estate, and bewail his evil fortune: for she had not one fault alone, but all the mischiefs that could be devised: she was crabbed, cruel, lascivious, drunken, obstinate, niggish, covetous, riotous in filthy expenses, and an enemy to faith and chastity, a despiser of all the gods, whom other did honour, one that affirmed that she had a god by herself, whereby she deceived all men, but especially her poor husband, one that abandoned her body with continual whoredom. This mischievous quean hated me in such sort, that she commanded every day before she was up, that I should be put into the mill to grind: and the first thing which she would do in the morning, was to see me cruelly beaten, and that I should grind when the other beasts did feed and take rest. When I saw that I was so cruelly handled, she gave me occasion to learn her conversation and life, for I saw oftentimes a young man which would privily go into her chamber whose face I did greatly desire to see, but I could not by reason mine eyes were covered every day. And verily if I had been free and at liberty, I would have discovered all her abomination. She had an old woman, a bawd, a messenger of mischief that daily haunted to her house, and made good cheer with her to the utter undoing and impoverishment of her husband, but I that was greatly offended with the negligence of Fotis, who made me an ass, instead of a bird, did yet comfort myself by this only mean, in that to the miserable deformity of my shape, I had long ears, whereby I might hear all things that was done: on a day I heard the old bawd say to the baker’s wife:

Dame you have chosen (without my counsel) a young man to your lover, who as me seemeth, is dull, fearful, without any grace, and dastard-like coucheth at the frowning look of your odious husband, whereby you have no delight nor pleasure with him: how far better is the young man Philesiterus who is comely, beautiful, in the flower of his youth, liberal, courteous, valiant and stout against the diligent pries and watches of your husband, whereby to embrace the worthiest dames of this country, and worthy to wear a crown of gold, for one part that he played to one that was jealous over his wife. Hearken how it was and then judge the diversity of these two lovers: know you not one Barbarus a senator of our town, whom the vulgar people call likewise Scorpion for his severity of manners? This Barbarus had a gentlewoman to his wife, whom he caused daily to be enclosed within his house, with diligent custody. Then the baker’s wife said, I know her very well, for we two dwelleth together in one house: Then you know (quoth the old woman) the whole tale of Philesiterus? No verily (said she) but I greatly desire to know it: therefore I pray you mother tell me the whole story. By and by the old woman which knew well to babble, began to tell as followeth.

XLI

How Barbarus being jealous over his wife, commanded that she should be kept close in his house, and what happened.

You shall understand that on a day this Barbarus preparing himself to ride abroad, and willing to keep the chastity of his wife (whom he so well loved) alone to himself, called his man Myrmex (whose faith he had tried and proved in many things) and secretly committed to him the custody of his wife, willing him that he should threaten, that if any man did but touch her with his finger as he passed by, he would not only put him in prison, and bind him hand and foot, but also cause him to be put to death, or else to be famished for lack of sustenance, which words he confirmed by an oath of all the gods in heaven, and so departed away: When Barbarus was gone, Myrmex being greatly astonied of his master’s threatenings, would not suffer his mistress to go abroad, but as she sat all day a-spinning, he was so careful that