You Never Can Tell

her book! See! He kisses the handkerchief. If you offered me all your money for this excuse for going down to the beach and speaking to her again, I’d only laugh at you. He rushes buoyantly off to the steps, where he bounces right into the arms of the waiter, who is coming up form the beach. The two save themselves from falling by clutching one another tightly round the waist and whirling one another around. Waiter Delicately. Steady, sir, steady. Valentine Shocked at his own violence. I beg your pardon. Waiter Not at all, sir, not at all. Very natural, sir, I’m sure, sir, at your age. The lady has sent me for her book, sir. Might I take the liberty of asking you to let her have it at once, sir? Valentine With pleasure. And if you will allow me to present you with a professional man’s earnings for six weeks⁠—.Offering him Dolly’s crown piece. Waiter As if the sum were beyond his utmost expectations. Thank you, sir: much obliged. Valentine dashes down the steps. Very high-spirited young gentleman, sir: very manly and straight set up. Crampton In grumbling disparagement. And making his fortune in a hurry, no doubt. I know what his six weeks’ earnings come to. He crosses the terrace to the iron table, and sits down. Waiter Philosophically. Well, sir, you never can tell. That’s a principle in life with me, sir, if you’ll excuse my having such a thing, sir. Delicately sinking the philosopher in the waiter for a moment. Perhaps you haven’t noticed that you hadn’t touched that seltzer and Irish, sir, when the party broke up. He takes the tumbler from the luncheon table, and sets if before Crampton. Yes, sir, you never can tell. There was my son, sir! who ever thought that he would rise to wear a silk gown, sir? And yet today, sir, nothing less than fifty guineas, sir. What a lesson, sir! Crampton Well, I hope he is grateful to you, and recognizes what he owes you. Waiter We get on together very well, very well indeed, sir, considering the difference in our stations. With another of his irresistible transitions. A small lump of sugar, sir, will take the flatness out of the seltzer without noticeably sweetening the drink, sir. Allow me, sir. He drops a lump of sugar into the tumbler. But as I say to him, where’s the difference after all? If I must put on a dress coat to show what I am, sir, he must put on a wig and gown to show what he is. If my income is mostly tips, and there’s a pretence that I don’t get them, why, his income is mostly fees, sir; and I understand there’s a pretence that he don’t get them! If he likes society, and his profession brings him into contact with all ranks, so does mine, too, sir. If it’s a little against a barrister to have a waiter for his father, sir, it’s a little against a waiter to have a barrister for a son: many people consider it a great liberty, sir, I assure you, sir. Can I get you anything else, sir? Crampton No, thank you. With bitter humility. I suppose that’s no objection to my sitting here for a while: I can’t disturb the party on the beach here. Waiter With emotion. Very kind of you, sir, to put it as if it was not a compliment and an honour to us, Mr. Crampton, very kind indeed. The more you are at home here, sir, the better for us. Crampton In poignant irony. Home! Waiter Reflectively. Well, yes, sir: that’s a way of looking at it, too, sir. I have always said that the great advantage of a hotel is that it’s a refuge from home life, sir. Crampton I missed that advantage today, I think. Waiter You did, sir, you did. Dear me! It’s the unexpected that always happens, isn’t it? Shaking his head. You never can tell, sir: you never can tell. He goes into the hotel. Crampton His eyes shining hardly as he props his drawn, miserable face on his hands. Home! Home!! He drops his arms on the table and bows his head on them, but presently hears someone approaching and hastily sits bolt upright. It is Gloria, who has come up the steps alone, with her sunshade and her book in her hands. He looks defiantly at her, with the brutal obstinacy of his mouth and the wistfulness of his eyes contradicting each other pathetically. She comes to the corner of the garden seat and stands with her back to it, leaning against the end of it, and looking down at him as if wondering at his weakness: too curious about him to be cold, but supremely indifferent to their kinship. Well? Gloria I want to speak with you for a moment. Crampton Looking steadily at her. Indeed? That’s surprising. You meet your father after eighteen years; and you actually want to speak to him for a moment! That’s touching: isn’t it? He rests his head on his hands, and looks down and away from her, in gloomy reflection. Gloria All that is what seems to me so nonsensical, so uncalled for. What do you expect us to feel for you⁠—to do for you? What is it you want? Why are you less civil to us than other people are? You are evidently not very fond of us⁠—why should you be? But surely we can meet without quarrelling. Crampton A dreadful grey shade passing over his face. Do you realize that I am your father? Gloria Perfectly. Crampton Do you know what is due to me as your father? Gloria For instance⁠—? Crampton Rising as if to combat a monster. For instance! For instance!! For instance, duty, affection, respect, obedience⁠— Gloria Quitting her careless leaning attitude and confronting him promptly and proudly. I obey nothing but