“That’s it, you see!”
She still was curled on his lap. But his spirit was grey and absent, he was not there for her. And everything she said drove him further.
“But what do you believe in?” she insisted.
“I don’t know.”
“Nothing, like all the men I’ve ever known,” she said.
They were both silent. Then he roused himself and said:
“Yes, I do believe in something. I believe in being warmhearted. I believe especially in being warmhearted in love, in fucking with a warm heart. I believe if men could fuck with warm hearts, and the women take it warmheartedly, everything would come all right. It’s all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy.”
“But you don’t fuck me cold-heartedly,” she protested.
“I don’t want to fuck you at all. My heart’s as cold as cold potatoes just now.”
“Oh!” she said, kissing him mockingly. “Let’s have them sautées.” He laughed, and sat erect.
“It’s a fact!” he said. “Anything for a bit of warmheartedness. But the women don’t like it. Even you don’t really like it. You like good, sharp, piercing cold-hearted fucking, and then pretending it’s all sugar. Where’s your tenderness for me? You’re as suspicious of me as a cat is of a dog. I tell you it takes two even to be tender and warmhearted. You love fucking all right: but you want it to be called something grand and mysterious, just to flatter your own self-importance. Your own self-importance is more to you, fifty times more, than any man, or being together with a man.”
“But that’s what I’d say of you. Your own self-importance is everything to you.”
“Ay! Very well then!” he said, moving as if he wanted to rise. “Let’s keep apart then. I’d rather die than do any more cold-hearted fucking.”
She slid away from him, and he stood up.
“And do you think I want it?” she said.
“I hope you don’t,” he replied. “But anyhow, you go to bed an’ I’ll sleep down here.”
She looked at him. He was pale, his brows were sullen, he was as distant in recoil as the cold pole. Men were all alike.
“I can’t go home till morning,” she said.
“No! Go to bed. It’s a quarter to one.”
“I certainly won’t,” she said.
He went across and picked up his boots.
“Then I’ll go out!” he said.
He began to put on his boots. She stared at him.
“Wait!” she faltered. “Wait! What’s come between us?”
He was bent over, lacing his boot, and did not reply. The moments passed. A dimness came over her, like a swoon. All her consciousness died, and she stood there wide-eyed, looking at him from the unknown, knowing nothing any more.
He looked up, because of the silence, and saw her wide-eyed and lost. And as if a wind tossed him he got up and hobbled over to her, one shoe off and one shoe on, and took her in his arms, pressing her against his body, which somehow felt hurt right through. And there he held her, and there she remained.
Till his hands reached blindly down and felt for her, and felt under the clothing to where she was smooth and warm.
“Ma lass!” he murmured. “Ma little lass! Dunna let’s fight! Dunna let’s niver fight! I love thee an’ th’ touch on thee. Dunna argue wi’ me! Dunna! Dunna! Dunna! Let’s be together.”
She lifted her face and looked at him.
“Don’t be upset,” she said steadily. “It’s no good being upset. Do you really want to be together with me?”
She looked with wide, steady eyes into his face. He stopped, and went suddenly still, turning his face aside. All his body went perfectly still, but did not withdraw.
Then he lifted his head and looked into her eyes, with his odd, faintly mocking grin, saying: “Ay-ay! Let’s be together on oath.”
“But really?” she said, her eyes filling with tears.
“Ay really! Heart an’ belly an’ cock.”
He still smiled faintly down at her, with the flicker of irony in his eyes, and a touch of bitterness.
She was silently weeping, and he lay with her and went into her there on the hearthrug, and so they gained a measure of equanimity. And then they went quickly to bed, for it was growing chill, and they had tired each other out. And she nestled up to him, feeling small and enfolded, and they both went to sleep at once, fast in one sleep. And so they lay and never moved, till the sun rose over the wood and day was beginning.
Then he woke up and looked at the light. The curtains were drawn. He listened to the loud wild calling of blackbirds and thrushes in the wood. It would be a brilliant morning, about half-past five, his hour for rising. He had slept so fast! It was such a new day! The woman was still curled asleep and tender. His hand moved on her, and she opened her blue, wondering eyes, smiling unconsciously into his face.
“Are you awake?” she said to him.
He was looking into her eyes. He smiled, and kissed her. And suddenly she roused and sat up.
“Fancy that I am here!” she said.
She looked round the whitewashed little bedroom with its sloping ceiling and gable window where the white curtains were closed. The room was bare save for a little yellow-painted chest of drawers, and a chair: and the smallish white bed in which she lay with him.
“Fancy that we are here!” she said, looking down at him. He was lying watching her, stroking her breasts with his fingers, under the thin night dress. When he was warm and smoothed out, he looked young and handsome. His eyes could look so warm. And she was fresh and young like a flower.
“I want to take this off!” he said, gathering the thin batiste night dress and pulling it over her head. She sat there with bare shoulders and longish breasts faintly golden. He loved to make her breasts swing softly, like bells.
“You must take off your pyjamas too,” she said.
“Eh nay!”
“Yes! Yes!” she commanded.
And he took
