Therefore Miss Pinnegar’s quiet harping on the string was unbearable.
“I can’t understand that you disliked Mr. Witham so much?” said Miss Pinnegar.
“We never can understand those things,” said Alvina. “I can’t understand why I dislike tapioca and arrowroot—but I do.”
“That’s different,” said Miss Pinnegar shortly.
“It’s no more easy to understand,” said Alvina.
“Because there’s no need to understand it,” said Miss Pinnegar.
“And is there need to understand the other?”
“Certainly. I can see nothing wrong with him,” said Miss Pinnegar.
Alvina went away in silence. This was in the first months after she had given Albert his dismissal. He was at Oxford again—would not return to Woodhouse till Christmas. Between her and the Woodhouse Withams there was a decided coldness. They never looked at her now—nor she at them.
None the less, as Christmas drew near Alvina worked up her feelings. Perhaps she would be reconciled to him. She would slip across and smile to him. She would take the plunge, once and for all—and kiss him and marry him and bear the little half-fishes, his children. She worked herself into quite a fever of anticipation.
But when she saw him, the first evening, sitting stiff and staring flatly in front of him in chapel, staring away from everything in the world, at heaven knows what—just as fishes stare—then his dishumanness came over her again like an arrest, and arrested all her flights of fancy. He stared flatly in front of him, and flatly set a wall of oblivion between him and her. She trembled and let be.
After Christmas, however, she had nothing at all to think forward to. And it was then she seemed to shrink: she seemed positively to shrink.
“You never spoke to Mr. Witham?” Miss Pinnegar asked.
“He never spoke to me,” replied Alvina.
“He raised his hat to me.”
“You ought to have married him, Miss Pinnegar,” said Alvina. “He would have been right for you.” And she laughed rather mockingly.
“There is no need to make provision for me,” said Miss Pinnegar.
And after this, she was a long time before she forgave Alvina, and was really friendly again. Perhaps she would never have forgiven her if she had not found her weeping rather bitterly in her mother’s abandoned sitting-room.
Now so far, the story of Alvina is commonplace enough. It is more or less the story of thousands of girls. They all find work. It is the ordinary solution of everything. And if we were dealing with an ordinary girl we should have to carry on mildly and dully down the long years of employment; or, at the best, marriage with some dull schoolteacher or office-clerk.
But we protest that Alvina is not ordinary. Ordinary people, ordinary fates. But extraordinary people, extraordinary fates. Or else no fate at all. The all-to-one-pattern modern system is too much for most extraordinary individuals. It just kills them off or throws them disused aside.
There have been enough stories about ordinary people. I should think the Duke of Clarence must even have found malmsey nauseating, when he choked and went purple and was really asphyxiated in a butt of it. And ordinary people are no malmsey. Just ordinary tap-water. And we have been drenched and deluged and so nearly drowned in perpetual floods of ordinariness, that tap-water tends to become a really hateful fluid to us. We loathe its out-of-the-tap tastelessness. We detest ordinary people. We are in peril of our lives from them: and in peril of our souls too, for they would damn us one and all to the ordinary. Every individual should, by nature, have his extraordinary points. But nowadays you may look for them with a microscope, they are so worn-down by the regular machine-friction of our average and mechanical days.
There was no hope for Alvina in the ordinary. If help came, it would have to come from the extraordinary. Hence the extreme peril of her case. Hence the bitter fear and humiliation she felt as she drudged shabbily on in Manchester House, hiding herself as much as possible from public view. Men can suck the heady juice of exalted self-importance from the bitter weed of failure—failures are usually the most conceited of men: even as was James Houghton. But to a woman, failure is another matter. For her it means failure to live, failure to establish her own life on the face of the earth. And this is humiliating, the ultimate humiliation.
And so the slow years crept round, and the completed coil of each one was a further heavy, strangling noose. Alvina had passed her twenty-sixth, twenty-seventh, twenty-eighth and even her twenty-ninth year. She was in her thirtieth. It ought to be a laughing matter. But it isn’t.
Ach, schon zwanzig
Ach, schon zwanzig
Immer noch durch’s Leben tanz’ ich
Jeder, Jeder will mich küssen
Mir das Leben zu versüssen.
Ach, schon dreissig
Ach, schon dreissig
Immer Mädchen, Mädchen heiss’ ich.
In dem Zopf schon graue Härchen
Ach, wie schnell vergehn die Jährchen.
Ach, schon vierzig
Ach, schon vierzig
Und noch immer Keiner find ’sich.
Im gesicht schon graue Flecken
Ach, das muss im Spiegel stecken.
Ach, schon fünfzig
Ach, schon fünfzig
Und noch immer Keiner will ’mich;
Soll ich mich mit Bänden zieren
Soll ich einen Schleier führen?
Dann heisst’s, die Alte putzt sich,
Sie ist fu’fzig, sie ist fu’fzig.
True enough, in Alvina’s pigtail of soft brown the grey hairs were already showing. True enough, she still preferred to be thought of as a girl. And the slow-footed years, so heavy in passing, were so imperceptibly numerous in their accumulation.
But we are not going to follow our song to its fatal and dreary conclusion. Presumably, the ordinary old-maid heroine nowadays is destined to die in her fifties, she is not allowed to be the long-liver of the bygone novels. Let the song suffice her.
James Houghton had still another kick in him. He had
