“Oh!” I said. “Good God! Let me out of this car, Iris! I will walk back to London.”
“Napier doesn’t know. Napier would be frantic if he knew. Napier is dining with Venice tonight. They would both be frantic if they knew I had taken Sir Maurice’s challenge and gone down to Sutton Marle. But I must go, to make unfairness a little less unfair. I must let Sir Maurice have his last joy of me. Besides, there is a fascination in letting men tell the truth to one. There is a fascination in wondering if it will ever be the truth. But look! Oh, look! There is Harrod’s!”
The car had pulled up on the brow of a small hill. The lights searched across the road into an unhedged field. Iris pointed along the flame of light.
“There is Harrod’s,” she said gravely.
“But where is Harrod’s? I see a field and what looks like a giant oak.”
“That is Harrod’s. Not an oak, but an ash. It is very old, and smells of fairies and moonlight.”
There were once two roads that led away from a certain tree.
The tree, a solitary giant of enormous girth, stood perhaps twenty yards from the road. Its trunk dammed the far-flung eyes of the car, and in the light its leaves were made of silver, and you fancied that, had there been a breath of wind, it had spoken from its ancient wisdom, of which this night stood so sorely in need; but never a whisper stirred the countryside.
“Iris, doesn’t that make your passions look … silly?”
She took my hand, and lifted it, and dropped it. I do not know why she did that. Her face was hidden. It seemed to me that a long time passed before she spoke, and I seemed to think of many things.
“If there was a moon,” she said at last, “a little way behind Harrod’s you would see a small hill, and on the hill you would see a white house. That is where Gerald and I were born. Perhaps Gerald knows why now. That is one of the many things Napier and I have to talk out in the solitudes, why all we men and women are born. There must be a reason. Across the fields this way is Sutton Marle, where Napier was born. We used to play beneath this tree, Gerald, Boy, Napier and I. Boy was older than us, and bossed us. So there was a revolt, and then we made two camps, Boy and Gerald, Napier and I. Sometimes Aunt Eve, who took care of Gerald and me when mother died, would take us all up to London, and we would have tea at Harrod’s. Napier and I loved Harrod’s because we at once got lost there. And so we called this tree Harrod’s, because we were happy here, too. We were twelve then. Later on they discouraged our being together. Aunt Eve didn’t want me to be made miserable when I grew up by not being allowed to marry Napier, for she knew that I didn’t come into Sir Maurice’s plans. Poor Maurice, I’ve crashed into them now, haven’t I! Father got poorer, we sold this house, and went to live in Cambridge Square. Napier was not allowed to see me any more, but we managed to meet somehow. Gerald helped, Aunt Eve helped, Boy helped. That was when Boy first loved me, he said later, because of my determination not to lose Napier. But Sir Maurice won. I was stronger than Napier, but I was not so strong as Sir Maurice. He wanted Napier to marry a rich girl, and Iris March was only the daughter of the younger branch of a bankrupt house. One day, when I was eighteen, I got a wire from Napier to meet him here at Harrod’s that afternoon. I borrowed the money for a taxi—bit from Boy, bit from Hilary—and here Napier was, white, desperate. In a general cleanup before going up to Oxford he had promised his father never to see me again. ‘I like Iris,’ Sir Maurice had said, ‘but she comes of rotten stock.’ I don’t think we had ever realised before that we were in love. I suppose I grew up in that one second. But Napier was still a boy of eighteen, while I was suddenly as old as the Queen of Hearts. I told him I loved him. Dear, I have known many men, I have married two, but I have only told one that I loved him, and he was a boy. Poor Napier, so torn, white, distracted. Afraid of my love, which seemed to him almost unholy, afraid of his father, who seemed to him almost holy. England, my England! His father was strong in Napier, and the Harpendens were strong in him. They were stronger than me at eighteen, and they were stronger than the sweet memories of Harrod’s. I said to Napier then, just over there where the lights fall by that trunk, I said, eighteen to eighteen: ‘Napier, I think I have a body that burns for love. Napier, I shall burn it with love, but I never will say “I love you” to any man but you, because it never will be true.’ And what I said at eighteen is true now at thirty, I have never said I loved him to any man but Napier, for it hasn’t been true. I have given myself, in disdain, in desire, with disgust, with delight, but I have kept to that silly, childish boast of mine. I say that to my shame, but now shame is a weed under my foot. I married because my body was hungry for love and born to love and must love. And I thought I would destroy my body with love’s delight, but all I did was to destroy a good
