Barakah saw and heard as in a trance. She thought herself in Hell, bound fast and gagged while devils taunted her. She was tortured by the memory of English winter evenings, of walking back from church in the long train of orphans, the patter of their feet resounding sadly. That dreariness appeared a state of bliss compared with this luxurious life enclosed in heat. She longed for a cold wind, with rain in it. Remembrance of a garden under sunset came to her; she saw once more a cool verandah with long windows open on an English drawing-room, and heard the earnest voice of Mrs. Cameron entreating her to stay and save her soul. This was God’s punishment. Her life from then till now had been all frowardness and self-indulgence. While basking in it she had been aware that it was baneful. A thousand awful faces rose to sneer, “We warned you!” The glimpses she had had of horrid depths, the scenes of bloodshed and the tales of cruelty, seemed now emphatic warnings of this end. She had sunk downward till she had no faith nor virtue more than beasts have. Her all was in her son, whom God had killed. Crushed, maimed, defrauded, she was flung upon the earth, the scorn of men and angels and the sport of fiends.
As by degrees her sense returned to her, she looked about her with strange eyes and tried to think. But every effort was a sword that pierced her heart. One morning, peering dully through her lattice, she saw a gay pavilion in the yard, and leading to it rows of masts with lanterns hung between. They were erected for the meytam, or reception for the dead. She had seen them often when she visited great houses; but now her mind attached no meaning to them. It was two hours later, in the middle of the function, that her sense returned. A mighty gust of grief, a cry of “O calamity!” swept through the crowd of black-clad women in her great reception-room. It roused her mind. She saw, and was alarmed. What was she doing? What was all this crowd of people? Were they human?
The great saloon was full of women. The ladies sat up on the dais with flourished handkerchiefs, beating their breasts, their faces, at each burst of woe. Dependants crouched upon the ground and rocked incessantly, with foaming lips. Some faces wore a hideous fixed grin; some mouthed continually. The hired performers stood and chanted with obscene contortions, or squatted on a mat and wailed in chorus. The words “O my calamity,” recurring in a sort of running chant without coherence, shook the assembly like a tempest-blast. And all the while dainties were being handed round by weeping servants, and accepted by the mourners as fresh cause for grief.
An ague of intense repugnance seized on Barakah. She felt that she must fly from this inferno, must keep the hope of flight before her resolutely, or her soul was lost. It was as if a hostile hand compressed her throat. She struggled, was determined to get free. Towards that end she battled with instinctive cunning.
After the meytam, when she seemed exhausted, her brain, enamoured of this hope, was planning madly.
“Take heart, O moon of moons,” the servants told her. “Inshallah thou shalt bring forth sons instead of him.”
She strove to smile.
Her resolution was to leave her husband and her little daughter, the comfortable house, the easy life, to stray alone and homeless, back to Christian lands. There she would enter some religious order, and spend the residue of life in prayer for Muslims.
Everyone was kind. The tender sympathy of Yûsuf, though himself hard stricken, might well have won her heart had she possessed one. Her heart was dead and buried in the grave. The ladies and her servants tried at first to cheer her; but when they found their efforts useless, let her be. Only Umm ed-Dahak remained with her constantly. Discreet as ever, she kept silence for long hours, watching her mistress with a doleful mow. They thought her too depressed to take a step unaided, had not the least suspicion of her wish to flee. It was, besides, a time of national anxiety, when everyone who could went out to seek the news, and those imprisoned listened to the noises of the street.
One day, in the full heat of noon, when men are sleepy, she sent out the old woman on an errand; and went and kissed her child, Afîfah, who was fast asleep. Then, having made sure that the slave-girls were not moving, she returned to her own room and donned a common habbarah, which she had sometimes worn when she went out with Umm ed-Dahak. From the store of money Yûsuf had entrusted to her she took sufficient to defray her fare to France, and hung it in a bag around her neck.
Thus furnished, she stole out through the selamlik hall. No eunuch challenged; the doorkeeper was snoring on his couch within the entry. Beside him lay the best part of a watermelon.
XXXIV
Barakah had not made many steps outside the house before she was completely lost. Although for sixteen years her home had been in Cairo, she had never walked in the streets before. Which was the way? She could not tell, but went on bravely, hoping for some guide. At last she met a donkey-driver with a pleasant face. In answer to her timid hail, he smiled delighted and praised his Maker for the honour of her patronage. “To the railway station,” she enjoined at mounting, and he answered “Ready!”
Away they went, arousing echoes in the stony alleys, the driver shouting as he ran beside the ambling beast. Barakah felt exhilarated by the
