And she had been unhappy, even in the hours when the enthusiastic artists—Justus’s friends—had done homage in unmeasured terms to the blooming beauty of the young girl; when these men praised her talents, told her she was on the right road to become an artist; finally, that she was an artist—a true artist. She did not believe them; and if she really were an artist, there were so many greater ones—even Justus’s hand reached so much higher and further than hers; laughing, and apparently without trouble, he gathered fruits for which she strove with the most intense effort, and which, as she secretly acknowledged to herself, must always be beyond her reach.
She had told her woes to that great French artist, on whom her beauty had made such an overpowering expression. He had for some time only put her off with courteous and smiling words; at last he had said seriously:
“Mademoiselle, there is only one highest happiness for woman, and that is love; and there is only one talent in which no man can equal her—that is again love.”
The words had crushed her; her artistic talent was then only a childish dream, and love! Yes, she knew that she could love—unspeakably, boundlessly! But the man was still to be found who could awaken that love to its heavenward soaring flame; and woe to her when she found him! He would not comprehend her love, he would not realise it, and he would certainly be unable to return it; perhaps would shrink back before its fire, and she would be more unhappy than before.
And was not this gloomy foreboding already sadly fulfilled? Had she not already felt herself unspeakably unhappy in her love for him who had come to her as if sent from heaven—as if he himself were one of the heavenly ones? Had she not already, countless times, with hot tears, with bitter scorn, with writhing despair, complained, exclaimed, cried out, that he did not understand or realise her love, never would understand or realise it? Had she not clearly seen that he trembled and shrank back, not from the danger which threatened him on the dark path of his love—he was as bold and dexterous as man could be—but before her love, before her all-powerful, but also all-exacting, insatiable love?
She had experienced this again yesterday, at the very instant that followed that happy moment when she had received and returned his first kiss! And today; today she smiled at her doubts amidst tears of joy; today she asked pardon of her beloved, amidst a thousand burning kisses that she pressed in thought on his beautiful brow, his tender eyes, and his dear mouth, for every harsh or bitter word or thought she had ever had against him, and which she never, never would say or think again.
She had tried to work, to put the finishing touches to the Reaping Girl, but her hand had been hopeless, powerless, as in her first attempts, and she had recollected, not without a shudder, that she had vowed not to finish the group. The vow had been—contrary to her anticipations—a forerunner of happiness. What was to her this miserable image of jealous revenge? How worthless appeared to her all this extensive apparatus of her work—this lofty room, these pedestals, these mallets, chisels, modelling-tools; these casts of arms, hands, feet; these heads, these busts from the originals of old masters; her own sketches, attempts, completed works—childish strivings with bandaged eyes for a happiness that was not to be found here—that was only to be found in love, the sole, true talent of woman—her talent, of which she felt that it was unique, that it outshone everything that had till then been felt as love and called love! She could not bear her room this morning; even her studio seemed too small. She stepped into the garden, and wandered along the paths, between the shrubs, under the trees, from whose rustling branches drops of the night’s rain fell upon her. How often had she hated the bright sunshine, the blue sky, that had seemed to mock at her anguish! She looked in triumph now up into the grey clouds that passed, dark and heavy, above her head. What need had she of sun and light—she in whose heart was nothing but light and brightness? The drizzling rain that now began to fall would only serve to cool the internal fire that threatened to consume her. Driving clouds, drizzling rain, rustling trees, whispering shrubs, even the damp, black earth—all was wonderfully beautiful in the reflection of her love!
She went in again and seated herself in the place where he had kissed her, and dreamed again that happy dream, while near at hand was hammering and knocking, and, between whiles, chattering and whispering, and the rain rattled against the tall window—dreamed that her dream had the power to draw him to her, who now opened the door softly and—it was only a dream—came towards her with the tender smile on his dear lips and the beautiful light in his dark eyes, till suddenly the smile died on his lips, and only the eyes still gleamed, but no longer with tender light, but with the gloomy, melancholy depths of her father’s eyes. And now they were not only her father’s eyes; it was more and more himself—her father. Good God!
She had started out of her doze; her limbs trembled; she sank back in the chair, and drew herself up again. She had seen at once in the glance of his eyes, in the letter which he held in his hand—seen with the first half-waking glance why he had come. She said so, in half-awake, wild, passionate words.
He had bent his head, but he did not contradict her; he answered nothing but “My poor child!”
“I
