“You’ll catch cold,” I said. “Really, shan’t we light the fire? … Come along.”
“No, no; one must harden oneself.”
“What? Stoicism?”
“Yes, a little. It’s because my throat was delicate that I never would wear a scarf. I have always struggled with myself.”
“That’s all very well as long as one is victorious; but if one’s body gives way. …”
“That would be the real victory.”
He let go my hand and went on: “I was afraid you would go away without coming to see me.”
“Go where?” I asked.
“I don’t know. You travel so much. There’s something I wanted to say to you. … I expect to be going away myself soon.”
“What! are you thinking of travelling?” I asked clumsily, pretending not to understand him, notwithstanding the mysterious solemnity of his voice. He shook his head.
“You know very well what I mean. … Yes, yes. I know it will soon be time. I am beginning to earn less than my keep; and I can’t endure it. There’s a certain point beyond which I have promised myself not to go.”
He spoke in an emotional tone which alarmed me.
“Do you think it is wrong? I have never been able to understand why it was forbidden by religion. I have reflected a great deal latterly. When I was young, I led a very austere life; I used to congratulate myself on my force of character every time I refused a solicitation in the street. I didn’t understand, that when I thought I was freeing myself, in reality I was becoming more and more the slave of my own pride. Every one of these triumphs over myself was another turn of the key in the door of my prison. That’s what I meant just now by saying that God had fooled me. He made me take my pride for virtue. He was laughing at me. It amuses him. I think he plays with us as a cat does with a mouse. He sends us temptations which he knows we shan’t be able to resist; but when we do resist he revenges himself still worse. Why does he hate us so? And why. … But I’m boring you with these old man’s questions.”
He took his head in his hands like a moping child and remained silent so long that I began to wonder whether he had not forgotten my presence. I sat motionless in front of him, afraid of disturbing his meditations. Notwithstanding the noise of the street which was so close, the calm of the little room seemed to me extraordinary, and notwithstanding the glimmer of the street lamp, which shed its fantastic light upon us from down below, like footlights at the theatre, the shadow on each side of the window seemed to broaden, and the darkness round us to thicken, as in icy weather the water of a quiet pool thickens into immobility—till my heart itself thickened into ice too. At last, shaking myself free from the clutch that held me, I breathed loudly and, preparatory to taking my leave, I asked out of politeness and in order to break the spell:
“How is Madame de La Pérouse?”
The old man seemed to wake up out of a dream. He repeated:
“Madame de La Pérouse … ?” interrogatively, as if the words were syllables which had lost all meaning for him; then he suddenly leant towards me:
“Madame de La Pérouse is in a terrible state … most painful to me.”
“What kind of state?” I asked.
“Oh, no kind,” he said, shrugging his shoulders, as if there were nothing to explain. “She is completely out of her mind. She doesn’t know what to be up to next.”
I had long suspected that the old couple were in profound disagreement, but without any hope of knowing anything more definite.
“My poor friend,” I said pityingly, “and since when?”
He reflected a moment, as if he had not understood my question.
“Oh, for a long time … ever since I’ve known her.” Then, correcting himself almost immediately: “No; in reality it was over my son’s bringing up that things went wrong.”
I made a gesture of surprise, for I had always thought that the La Pérouses had no children. He raised his head, which he had been holding in his hands, and went on more calmly:
“I never mentioned my son to you, eh? … Well, I’ll tell you everything. You must know all about it now. There’s no one else I can tell. … Yes, it was over my son’s bringing up. As you see, it’s a long time ago. The first years of our married life had been delightful. I was very pure when I married Madame de La Pérouse. I loved her with innocence … yes, that’s the best word for it, and I refused to allow that she had any faults. But we hadn’t the same ideas about bringing up children. Every time that I wanted to reprove my son, Madame de La Pérouse took his side against me; according to her, he was to be allowed to do anything he liked. They were in league together against me. She taught him to lie. … When he was barely twenty he took a mistress. She was a pupil of mine—a Russian girl, with a great talent for music, to whom I was very much attached. Madame de La Pérouse knew all about it; but of course, as usual, everything was kept from me. And of course I didn’t notice she was going to have a baby. Not a thing—I tell you; I never suspected a thing. One fine day, I am informed that my pupil is unwell, that she won’t be able to come for some time. When I speak about going to see her, I am told that she has changed her address—that she is travelling. … It was not till long after that I learnt that she had gone to Poland for her confinement. My son joined her there. … They lived together for several years, but he died before marrying her.”
“And …
