The Adventurous Simplicissimus

terribly handled that I scarce looked like a man at all, and, what was worst of all, I must run the risk that if they so snapped at the cat they might by chance catch me by the ear or nose and bite it off. My collar and jerkin were so bloody that they were like to a smith’s travise on St. Stephen’s Day, when the horses are let blood; nor could I devise any means to save myself from this torment, but at last must cast myself on the ground that the dogs might so seize the cat, unless I was willing to allow my poll to continue to be their battleground: ’tis true the dogs did then kill the cat, but I had by no means so noble sport from this as I had hoped, but only mockery and such a face as now thou seest before thee. At which I was so enraged that I shot both dogs dead, and did so bastinado my mistress that had given me cause for this fool’s trick that she ran away from me, doubtless because she could no longer love so horrible a mask.”

XXI

A Brief Example of That Trade Which Oliver Followed, Wherein He Was a Master and Simplicissimus Should Be a Prentice

Fain would I have laughed at this story of Oliver’s, yet must show compassion only: and even as I began to tell him my history we saw a coach come up the road with two outriders. On that we came down from the church-tower and posted ourselves in a house that stood by the wayside and was very convenient for the waylaying of passengers. I must keep my loaded piece in reserve, but Oliver with one shot brought down at once one rider and his horse before they were ware of us: upon which the other forthwith fled: and while I, with my piece cocked, made the coachman halt and descend, Oliver leapt upon him and with his broad sword did cleave his head to the teeth, yea, and would thereafter have butchered the lady and the children that sat in the carriage and already looked more like dead folk than live ones: but I roundly said, that I would not have, but told him if he would do such a deed he must first slay me.

“Ah,” says he, “thou foolish Simplicissimus, I had never believed thou wert so wicked a fellow as thou dost seem.” “But brother,” said I, “what hast thou against these innocents? an they were men that could defend themselves ’twere another story.” “How,” he answered: “cook your eggs and there will be no chickens hatched. I know these young cockatrices well: their father the major is a proper skinflint, and the worst jacket-duster in the world.”

And with such words he would have gone on to slay them: yet I restrained him so long that in the end I softened him: and ’twas a major’s wife, her maids, and three fair children, for whom it grieved me much: these we shut up in a cellar that they might not too soon betray us, in which they had nothing to eat but fruit and turnips till they might chance to be released by someone: thereafter we plundered the coach, and rode off with seven fine horses into the wood where it was thickest.

So when we had tied them up and I had looked round me a little I was ware of a fellow that stood stock-still by a tree not far off: him I pointed out to Oliver and said ’twere well to be on our guard. “Why, thou fool,” said he, “ ’tis a Jew that I did tie up there: but the rogue is long ago frozen and dead.” So he goes up to him and chucks him under the chin, and says he, “Aha; thou dog, thou didst bring me many a fair ducat”: and as he so shook his chin there rolled out of his mouth a few doubloons that the poor rogue had rescued even in the hour of death. At that Oliver put his hand in his mouth and brought out twelve doubloons and a ruby of great price, and says he, “This booty have I to thank thee for, Simplicissimus”; and with that gave me the ruby, took the gold himself, and went off to fetch the peasant, bidding me in the meanwhile to stay by the horses and beware lest the dead Jew should bite me, whereby he meant I had no such courage as himself.

But he being gone to fetch his peasant, I had heavy thoughts, and did consider in what a dangerous state I now lived. And first I thought I would mount one of the horses and escape: yet did I fear lest Oliver should catch me in the act and shoot me; for I had my suspicion that he did but try my good faith for this once, and so stood near by to watch me. Again I thought to run away on foot, but then must fear, even if I should give Oliver the slip, that I should not escape from the peasants of the Black Forest, which were then famous for the knocking of soldiers on the head. “And suppose,” said I, “thou takest all the horses with thee, so that Oliver shall have no means to pursue thee, yet if thou be caught by the troops of Weimar, thou wilt as a convicted murderer be broken on the wheel.” In a word, I could devise no safe means for my flight, and chiefly because I was there in a desolate forest where I knew neither highway nor byway: and besides all that my conscience was now awake and did torment me, because I had stopped the coach and had been the cause that the driver had so miserably lost his life, and both the ladies with the innocent children had been laid fast in the cellar,