The Adventurous Simplicissimus

a single man: and there must I, as at that time ’twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my hand. The first day there was a big fat calf’s-head (of which folk are wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because this calf’s-head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes, my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to him he had served up a calf’s-head with one eye. So the cook must appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were with him examined: and last of all it came out that ’twas to poor Simplicissimus the calf’s-head had last been entrusted, and that with two eyes: how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord, as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done with the calf’s eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave the calf’s-head the second turn, and showed briefly and well what they asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink.

“Pardieu,” quoth my lord, “this trick savoureth better than ten calves.” And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment, but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks.

XXIX

How a Man Step by Step May Attain Unto Intoxication and Finally Unawares Become Blind Drunk

At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all came to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all appearance very piously. And this pious silence lasted as long as they had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a Quakers’ meeting. But hardly had each one said “God’s blessing!” three or four times when all was already livelier. Nor can I describe how each one’s voice grew louder and louder: I could but compare the whole company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth with thunder. Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin, that it may go the livelier, and likewise dessert, to give a flavour to the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned (and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different from what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius8 himself, though he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of cooks, yet had not recognised them. Then thought I: “Is’t not like enough that these things should disturb the senses of any man who can take delight in them and the drink too (whereto they be specially appointed) and change him, or even transform him, to a beast? Who knows if even Circe used any other means but these when she did change Ulysses his companions into swine?” For I saw how these guests at one time devoured the food like hogs and then swilled like sows, then carried themselves like asses, and last of all were as sick as farmers’ dogs. The noble wines of Hochheim, of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg they tipped into their bellies in glasses as big as buckets, which presently showed their effects higher up, in the head. And thereupon I saw with wonder how all changed; for here were reputable folk, which just before were in possession of their five senses and sitting in peace by one another, now beginning of a sudden to act the fool and to play the silliest tricks in the world. And the great follies which they did commit and the huge draughts which they drank to each other became bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as if fooleries and draughts strove with each other which of them should be accounted the greater: but at last this contest ended in a filthy piggishness. ’Twas not wonderful that I understood not whence their giddiness came: inasmuch as