This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued, beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks like the other stable-lads, which ’tis true happened but seldom, yet then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking, and to keep my master’s weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I gained my master’s favour, insomuch that he had a new fool’s coat of calfskins made for me, with much greater asses’ ears than I wore before. Now as my master’s palate was not delicate, I needed the less skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day and night how I might most cleverly escape—and that the more because ’twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the nearest wood.
XVI
How Simplicissimus Found Goodly Spoils, and How He Became a Thievish Brother of the Woods
Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune: for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see my fool’s coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and ’twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his firearms and began to search me, asking, “Who art thou? Hast thou money?”
Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long asses’ ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived the shining sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly show when they are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, “I am the devil, and I will break thy neck and thy fellow’s too.”
Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly as if the fires of hell were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness was horrible to hear.
Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage firearms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my coat, was made of calfskin: that too I took up, and found that a cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance, hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot, searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I pricked up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. “Shame,” said they, “ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so suffer yourselves to be frighted and chased, and have your arms taken by a single man.” Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if ’twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, “It may have been the devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again.” Then one of them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, “What thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken both with him.” Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might well happen that some countrymen had since passed that way who had found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved this, and ’twas believed by all the band they had had the
