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heart. Clapping his hat on again. Pig! Ass! Zoo Laughs very heartily at him. !!! The Elderly Gentleman Turning sharply on her. Good afternoon, madam. I am sorry to have had to put your friend in his place; but I find that here as elsewhere it is necessary to assert myself if I am to be treated with proper consideration. I had hoped that my position as a guest would protect me from insult. Zoo Putting my friend in his place. That is some poetic expression, is it not? What does it mean? The Elderly Gentleman Pray, is there no one in these islands who understands plain English? Zoo Well, nobody except the oracles. They have to make a special historical study of what we call the dead thought. The Elderly Gentleman Dead thought! I have heard of the dead languages, but never of the dead thought. Zoo Well, thoughts die sooner than languages. I understand your language; but I do not always understand your thought. The oracles will understand you perfectly. Have you had your consultation yet? The Elderly Gentleman I did not come to consult the oracle, madam. I am here simply as a gentleman travelling for pleasure in the company of my daughter, who is the wife of the British Prime Minister, and of General Aufsteig, who, I may tell you in confidence, is really the Emperor of Turania, the greatest military genius of the age. Zoo Why should you travel for pleasure! Can you not enjoy yourself at home? The Elderly Gentleman I wish to see the World. Zoo It is too big. You can see a bit of it anywhere. The Elderly Gentleman Out of patience. Damn it, madam, you don’t want to spend your life looking at the same bit of it! Checking himself. I beg your pardon for swearing in your presence. Zoo Oh! That is swearing, is it? I have read about that. It sounds quite pretty. Dammitmaddam, dammitmaddam, dammitmaddam, dammitmaddam. Say it as often as you please: I like it. The Elderly Gentleman Expanding with intense relief. Bless you for those profane but familiar words! Thank you, thank you. For the first time since I landed in this terrible country I begin to feel at home. The strain which was driving me mad relaxes: I feel almost as if I were at the club. Excuse my taking the only available seat: I am not so young as I was. He sits on the bollard. Promise me that you will not hand me over to one of these dreadful tertiaries or secondaries or whatever you call them. Zoo Never fear. They had no business to give you in charge to Zozim. You see he is just on the verge of becoming a secondary; and these adolescents will give themselves the airs of tertiaries. You naturally feel more at home with a flapper like me. She makes herself comfortable on the sacks. The Elderly Gentleman Flapper? What does that mean? Zoo It is an archaic word which we still use to describe a female who is no longer a girl and is not yet quite adult. The Elderly Gentleman A very agreeable age to associate with, I find. I am recovering rapidly. I have a sense of blossoming like a flower. May I ask your name? Zoo Zoo. The Elderly Gentleman Miss Zoo. Zoo Not Miss Zoo. Zoo. The Elderly Gentleman Precisely. Er⁠—Zoo what? Zoo No. Not Zoo What. Zoo. Nothing but Zoo. The Elderly Gentleman Puzzled. Mrs. Zoo, perhaps. Zoo No. Zoo. Can’t you catch it? Zoo. The Elderly Gentleman Of course. Believe me, I did not really think you were married: you are obviously too young; but here it is so hard to feel sure⁠—er⁠— Zoo Hopelessly puzzled. What? The Elderly Gentleman Marriage makes a difference, you know. One can say things to a married lady that would perhaps be in questionable taste to anyone without that experience. Zoo You are getting out of my depth: I don’t understand a word you are saying. Married and questionable taste convey nothing to me. Stop, though. Is married an old form of the word mothered? The Elderly Gentleman Very likely. Let us drop the subject. Pardon me for embarrassing you. I should not have mentioned it. Zoo What does embarrassing mean? The Elderly Gentleman Well, really! I should have thought that so natural and common a condition would be understood as long as human nature lasted. To embarrass is to bring a blush to the cheek. Zoo What is a blush? The Elderly Gentleman Amazed. Don’t you blush??? Zoo Never heard of it. We have a word flush, meaning a rush of blood to the skin. I have noticed it in my babies, but not after the age of two. The Elderly Gentleman Your babies!!! I fear I am treading on very delicate ground; but your appearance is extremely youthful; and if I may ask how many⁠—? Zoo Only four as yet. It is a long business with us. I specialize in babies. My first was such a success that they made me go on. I⁠— The Elderly Gentleman Reeling on the bollard. Oh! dear! Zoo What’s the matter? Anything wrong? The Elderly Gentleman In Heaven’s name, madam, how old are you? Zoo Fifty-six. The Elderly Gentleman My knees are trembling. I fear I am really ill. Not so young as I was. Zoo I noticed that you are not strong on your legs yet. You have many of the ways and weaknesses of a baby. No doubt that is why I feel called on to mother you. You certainly are a very silly little Daddy. The Elderly Gentleman Stimulated by indignation. My name, I repeat, is Joseph Popham Bolge Bluebin Barlow, O.M. Zoo What a ridiculously long name! I can’t call you all that. What did your mother call you? The Elderly Gentleman You recall the bitterest struggles of my childhood. I was sensitive on the point. Children suffer greatly from absurd nicknames. My mother thoughtlessly called me Iddy Toodles. I was called Iddy until I went to school, when I made my first stand for children’s rights by insisting on being called