Short Fiction

Short Fiction

By Ring Lardner.

Table of Contents

1. Titlepage
2. Imprint
3. My Roomy
   1. I
   2. II
   3. III
   4. IV
   5. V
   6. VI
   7. VII
   8. VIII
4. Sick ’Em
5. Horseshoes
6. Back to Baltimore
7. Phil and His 4d
8. Tour No. 2
   1. I
   2. II
9. Alibi Ike
   1. I
   2. II
   3. III
   4. IV
   5. V
   6. VI
10. Harmony
11. The Poor Simp
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
    6. VI
    7. VII
12. Where Do You Get That Noise?
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
    6. VI
    7. VII
13. Oh, You Bonehead!
14. Good for the Soul
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
15. The Crook
16. Champion
17. A One-Man Team
18. The Facts
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
19. Tour Y-10
20. The Holdout
21. Ball-a-Hole
22. Gas, Oil and Air
23. The Yellow Kid
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
    6. VI
    7. VII
    8. VIII
24. The Last Night
25. The Clubby Roadster
26. A Chip of the Old Block
27. The Young Immigrunts
    1. Preface
    2. I: My Parents
    3. II: Starting Gaily
    4. III: Erie Lake
    5. IV: Buffalo to Rochester 76.4
    6. V: My Father’s Idear
    7. VI: Syracuse to Hudson 183.2
    8. VII: Hudson
    9. VIII: Hudson to Yonkers 106.5
    10. IX: The Bureau of Manhattan
    11. X: N.Y. To Grenitch 500.0
    12. XI: How It Ended
28. The Big Town
    1. Preface
    2. I: Quick Returns
    3. II: Ritchey
    4. III: Lady Perkins
    5. IV: Only One
    6. V: Katie Wins a Home
29. A Frame-Up
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
    6. VI
    7. VII
    8. VIII
30. Some Like Them Cold
31. The Battle of the Century
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
    6. VI
    7. VII
    8. VIII
32. A Caddy’s Diary
33. The Golden Honeymoon
34. Bedtime-Stories
    1. How to Tell a True Princess
    2. Cinderella
    3. Red Riding Hood
    4. Bluebeard
35. A Closeup of Domba Splew
36. What of It?
37. “In Conference”
38. Haircut
39. Mr. and Mrs. Fix-It
40. Zone of Quiet
41. Women
42. The Love Nest
43. A Day with Conrad Green
44. Reunion
45. Who Dealt?
46. Rhythm
47. Travelogue
48. I Can’t Breathe
49. The Jade Necklace
50. The Story of a Wonder Man
    1. Foreword
    2. Introduction
    3. I: The Birth of a Wonder Man
    4. II: The Boy Grew Older
    5. III: Young Man Goes West
    6. IV: Bright College Years
    7. V: How Spanish War Ended
    8. VI: How I Threw Big Party for Jane Austen
    9. VII: New York’s Noon Life
    10. VIII: Football Trick Uncorked
    11. IX: Yale, Beaten by Blind Boys
    12. X: A Gay Christmas Eve
    13. XI: How I Swam the Hudson
    14. XII: I Transfer from Princeton to Medicine
    15. XIII: My Medical Career
    16. XIV: My 2 Big Inventions
    17. XV: Sport Writer on The Rabies
    18. XVI: Star Reporter for The Rabies
    19. XVII: Promoted to Contest Editor
    20. XVIII: Halloween in Polyandry Hospital
    21. XIX: A Soft Job
    22. XX: Dan Boone’s Joke
    23. XXI: I First Marry in Central Park—Lapland Lady for Bride
    24. XXII: On My Honeymoon
    25. XXIII: My Romance Blasted
    26. XXIV: My Divorce Trial
    27. XXV: Even Judge Ogle Smiled
    28. XXVI: I Revolutionize Theatre Business
    29. XXVII: A Postmortem Message
51. Sun Cured
52. Hurry Kane
53. Now and Then
54. The Spinning Wheel
55. The Venomous Viper of the Volga
56. Man Not Overboard
57. Anniversary
58. Nora
59. Liberty Hall
60. There Are Smiles
61. Mr. Frisbie
62. Wedding Day
63. Dinner
64. The Maysville Minstrel
65. Ex Parte
66. Old Folks’ Christmas
67. Contract
68. Absentminded Beggar
69. High-Rollers
70. Stop Me—If You’ve Heard This One
71. Pity Is Akin—
72. That Old Sweetheart of Mine
73. Great Blessings
74. Second-Act Curtain
    1. Enter the Heroine
    2. Inspiration from the Muse
    3. “It’s Got to Be Funny”
    4. Wasted Sympathy
    5. Detected!
75. Mamma
76. Words and Music
77. Endnotes
78. Colophon
79. Uncopyright

Imprint

This ebook is the product of many hours of hard work by volunteers for Standard Ebooks, and builds on the hard work of other literature lovers made possible by the public domain.

This particular ebook is based on transcriptions from various sources and on digital scans from various sources.

The source text and artwork in this ebook are believed to be in the United States public domain; that is, they are believed to be free of copyright restrictions in the United States. They may still be copyrighted in other countries, so users located outside of the United States must check their local laws before using this ebook. The creators of, and contributors to, this ebook dedicate their contributions to the worldwide public domain via the terms in the CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication. For full license information, see the Uncopyright at the end of this ebook.

Standard Ebooks is a volunteer-driven project that produces ebook editions of public domain literature using modern typography, technology, and editorial standards, and distributes them free of cost. You can download this and other ebooks carefully produced for true book lovers at standardebooks.org.

My Roomy

I

No⁠—I ain’t signed for next year; but there won’t be no trouble about that. The dough part of it is all fixed up. John and me talked it over and I’ll sign as soon as they send me a contract. All I told him was that he’d have to let me pick my own roommate after this and not sic no wild man on to me.

You know I didn’t hit much the last two months o’ the season. Some o’ the boys, I notice, wrote some stuff about me gettin’ old and losin’ my battin’ eye. That’s all bunk! The reason I didn’t hit was because I wasn’t gettin’ enough sleep. And the reason for that was Mr. Elliott.

He wasn’t with us after the last part o’ May, but I roomed with him long enough to get the insomny. I was the only guy in the club game enough to stand for him; but I was sorry afterward that