Well the old lady heard him knock at the door and told him to come in, as she thought he must either be Red or a bootlegger. So he went in and the old lady was in bed with this hangover and the dog eat her alive.
Then he put on some pajamas and laid down in the bed and pertended like he was her, so pretty soon Red come along and knocked at the door and the dog told her to come in and she went up to the bed to hand him the quart. She thought of course it would be her grandmother laying in the bed and even when she seen the dog she still figured it was her grandmother and something she had drank the night before must of disagreed with her and made her look different.
“Well, grandmother,” she says, “you must of hit the old hair tonic last night. Your arms looks like Luis Firpo.”
“I will Firpo you in a minute,” says the dog.
“But listen grandmother,” says Red, “don’t you think you ought to have your ears bobbed?”
“I will ear you in a minute,” says the dog.
“But listen grandmother,” says Red, “you are cockeyed.”
“Listen,” says the dog, “if you had of had ½ of what I had last night you would of been stone blind.”
“But listen grandmother,” says Red, “where did you get the new store teeth?”
“I heard you was a tough egg,” says the dog, “so I bought them to eat you with.”
So then the dog jumped out of bed and went after Red and she screamed.
In the mean w’ile Red’s father had been playing golf for a quarter a hole with a couple of guys that conceded themselfs all putts under 12 ft. and he was $.75 looser coming to the 10th tee.
The 10th hole is kind of tough as your drive has to have a carry of 50 yards or it will fall in a garbage incinerating plant. You can either lift out with a penalty of two strokes or else play it with a penalty of suffocation. Red’s old man topped his drive and the ball rolled into the garbage. He elected to play it and made what looked like a beautiful shot, but when they got up on the green they found that he had hit a white radish instead of a golf ball.
A long argument followed during which the gallery went home to get his supper. The hole was finely conceded.
The 11th hole on the course is probably the sportiest hole in golfdom. The tee and green are synonymous and the first shot is a putt, but the rules signify that the putt must be played off a high tee with a driver. Red’s father was on in two and off in three more and finely sunk his approach for a birdie eight, squaring the match.
Thus the match was all square coming to the home hole which is right close to grandmother’s cottage. Red’s father hooked his drive through an open window in his mother-in-law’s house and forced his caddy to lend him a niblick. He entered the cottage just as the dog was beginning to eat Red.
“What hole are you playing father?” asked Red.
“The eighteenth,” says her father, “and it is a dog’s leg.”
Whereat he hit the police dog in the leg with his niblick and the dog was so surprised that he even give up the grandmother.
“I win, one up,” says Red’s father and he went out to tell the news to his two opponents. But they had quit and went home to dress for the Kiwanis Club dance.
Bluebeard
Well children it seems they was a gal married a man named Bluebeard on acct. of he being rich. That was why she married him and not why they called him Bluebeard, the last—named being on acct. of him not having had time to shave for several days.
So on this day he come into his wife’s boudoir whiskers and all and says he was going on the road for 6 wks. to sell tooth brushes with no bristles and might half to make a couple speeches at different Rotary Clubs.
“But listen dearie,” he says before departing, “you have got a charge acct. at Haynes the butcher and the great Atlantic and Pacific Tea store so you should worry. And here is my keys,” he says, “and this here key opens the rm. where I got my dough and this here key is the key to the rm. where the extra dishes is locked up in case you should have a whole lot of Co. and I hope you entertain all your friends w’ile I am gone so as we can get that much over with. And you can use all of these here keys except this little key which opens the closet at the end of the drawing rm. which I forbid you to enter same.”
“Yes, but what is in this closet?” asked the little woman thinking to herself that it must be the place where he kept his Scotch and corkscrew which he had been drinking unbeknownest to her or why would he of went so many days without shaving.
“That is none of your business,” was his husbandly reply. “But I am just telling you to lay off that little closet.”
He hadn’t no sooner than got out of the house when Co. begin to show up as they will when lease desired and amongst the Co. was 2 of her brothers and 1 sister and a couple guys that was stuck on her long before she married Bluebeard.
So they set around all evening and told stories and tried to sing but nothing to sustain them and the little woman wouldn’t open the closet door where everybody thought the hootch was for the simple reason that she had got the key in the door and it wouldn’t fit and finely they all went home and said they would come back the next day and hoped she would not be
