He was pat. I ast for one. Hatch bet me twenty cents and I was just goin’ to come back at him when I happened to look at my hand. I had six cards; the world’s greatest wife had wrecked me with two cards when I called for one!
I guess I probably raved. I didn’t light into the guests of honor. That wouldn’t of been polite. But what I said to the Missus and Hatch and Tuttle and Mrs. Hatch was ample. And Hatch and Tuttle egged me on.
“Your own fault!” says Hatch. “You ought to of protected your hand.”
“You was a sucker to draw at all,” says Tuttle. “It’d of been poker to of stood pat.”
“You’re a fine team to tell anybody how to play poker!” says I. “You,” I says to Tuttle, “you got as much license to win in any game o’ skill as I have to play Hamlet. And you,” I says to Hatch, “you wouldn’t never break even, only for your wife goin’ shy in every pot.”
“Don’t talk like that, dearie,” says the Missus.
“And don’t you call me ‘dearie’!” I says. “The best thing you can do is keep still!”
I said a whole lot more; and when I got through, Mrs. Quinn was laughin’ herself hoarse. Her bein’ a stranger was all that saved her from a spankin’.
At half past eleven the Quinns says somethin’ about goin’home.
“Sure!” says Hatch. “You’re ’way winners. Sneak off, like a couple o’ pikers.”
“Oh, you mustn’t go yet!” says the Missus. “I got some sandwiches and coffee for you. We’ll stop playin’ right now and I’ll go out and get ’em.”
“You will not!” says I. “We’ll quit playin’ when we get a good ready.”
“But if Mr. and Mrs. Quinn has to go home,” she says, “we mustn’t keep ’em.”
“We won’t keep ’em,” I says. “Let ’em go home.”
And Mrs. Quinn giggled again.
If they was any diplomatic relations left between my wife and I, they was severed in the last few minutes o’ play. Hatch had suggested that we’d ought to raise the limit to half a buck. Mrs. Hatch and the Quinns and my Missus objected. Tuttle and I was for it. So the limit was raised to half a buck.
Mrs. Quinn opened a certain pot. Hatch raised half a dollar. My Missus had three queens. She just lingered. If she’d raised, Mrs. Quinn would of quit cold. But after the love birds had consulted a while she decided to stand Hatch’s tilt. She drew one card. Hatch took two; and somethin’ told me, while he was drawin’, that a pair was all he had. The Missus took a couple and didn’t help her queens.
Mrs. Quinn checked it. That’s somethin’ she’d just learned. Hatch shoved in five chips. I could see the Missus waverin’ and I was sure certain that she had Hatch trimmed. So I nudged her to call. She looked at me and I nodded my head. And then she tossed her hand away.
There was some whisperin’ between the dearies. It lasted two or three minutes. Then Mrs. Quinn called.
I’d been right about Hatch. I gathered his hand up from where he’d threw it, against the far wall. Two bullets was all he had. And the sweet young bride, with Harry’s full knowledge and consent, had called on fours and treys.
The final reckonin’ showed that Mrs. Hatch was seventy cents to the bad, beatin’ her former record by thirty cents. Hatch had lost seven bucks, Tuttle’d dropped six, and I and the Missus eight between us. The Quinns was about twenty-one dollars ahead and still speakin’ to each other; yes, and takin’ bites out of each other’s sandwiches.
“Well,” says Mrs. Quinn when they was ready to go, “we’ve certainly enjoyed this a whole lot and you was awful kind to have us over.”
“It was sweet o’ you to come,” says the Missus.
“You’ll have to come to our house sometime,” says Mrs. Quinn. “Maybe we’ll let you win some o’ that twenty-one dollars back. Won’t we, dearie?”
“I almost feel like givin’ it back now,” says her spouse.
Tuttle whispered in my ear.
“Get ’em out o’ here before I break some o’ your furniture over their bean!”
But, before they beat it, each one of us got a giggle and a few squeaks and a dainty handclasp from the fair one.
Hatch and his wife left right after ’em, Jim’s mouth all ready and open to begin ruthless warfare. Tuttle was the sad one. He had to wait till he got clear home before abusin’ anybody, and they was danger of his wife havin’ fell asleep.
As for the Missus and I, it only took me a half hour to bring her to tears; and then, o’ course, the sport was over.
V
I told you a while ago that if men seen their wives play poker before they was married they wouldn’t be married. Well, I believe that even if Mrs. Quinn had showed off her knowledge o’ the game to Harry when they was still engaged yet, he’d of gone through with it, anyway. He wouldn’t knew no better. He’s an exception to the rule, and to every other rule in the book.
Listen to what he had to say when he stormed my desk next mornin’:
“Did you ever see a girl like her! The first time she ever really played, and she cops most o’ the dough! I never seen anybody that picked things up so quick.”
“She certainly picked up most o’ the change,” says I.
“Old man,” he says, “she’s a wonder! The best little wife a man ever had!”
So my hands is still shakin’ and my teeth’s still grindin’, and I bite the sheets at night. The grand old game has failed me
