June Moon

Fletcher stayed and she made the proprietor sell me six bottles of his gin. It’s real gin; what they call pro-war. You got to have good gin. It’s one of the things they put into what they call a Bronx cocktail. Maxie Is that so? Fred Didn’t you ever have one? Maxie I don’t drink. After I listen to songs all day I don’t want liquor. I just go home and take a general anesthetic. Fred I like Bronxes best. They’re nothing but gin and orange juice. I don’t know why they call it a Bronx. Maxie It’s great orange country, up there. Fred Anyway, I got a bargain⁠—six bottles for sixty bucks. I give Miss Fletcher three bottles for a present, because if it hadn’t been for her I wouldn’t have got them. She made the man do it. When you’re around with her you just can’t resist doing things. Maxie I know. That’s why I don’t carry a gun. Fred She’s a great sport, all right. She’d make a wonderful wife⁠—she’s such a good pal. I think a man’s wife ought to be their pal as well as their sweetheart. Maxie You ought to patent that. Fred Say⁠—how much money do you think a fella ought to be making before he could get married? In New York, I mean? Maxie It depends on the girl. Fred Buddy De Sylva makes pretty near half a million dollars a year out of just writing lyrics. I guess a man could support a wife on that! Maxie If she was satisfied to ride a bicycle. Fred Well, suppose “June Moon” is a big smash? What’s the most we could make out of it? Maxie It’s hard to say. Take a song like “Swanee River” and it’s still going big. Fred Yeah, but that’s because it was in a big production like Show Boat. Maxie How’s that? Fred And with that girl to sing it, that sits on the piano. Maxie You’re thinking of Ruby Keeler in The Wild Duck. Fred Well, whoever it was. Turns away; suddenly remembers. Oh, say! I was over to the tailor’s today. I’m getting a new suit. Miss Fletcher took me. Maxie That so? Fred It’s a blue search, with a hair-bone strip. He took my measures all over. Like I was a fighter. I’m thirty-eight inches around my chest, and thirty-three around my stomach, and⁠—I forget my thigh. Anyway, he’s got it all wrote down. Maxie I must get a copy. Fred If they like “June Moon” I’m going to have an evening dinner coat made, with a Tuxedo. I been wearing an old suit of Paul’s, but it’s too big. Miss Fletcher says it would hold two like me. Maxie There couldn’t be two. Fred She was just joking. Maxie I see. Fred They’ve given me a wonderful time, all right. They’ve introduced me to all the big stars! Gil Boag, and Earl Carroll, and Texas Guinan! I met Texas Guinan! Maxie She’s kind of hard to meet, isn’t she? Fred No. She’s one of the friendliest women I ever seen. When the girls told her who I was she said it was a big night in her life⁠—she said she’d always wanted to meet a lyric writer. I wonder what my friends in Schenectady would say if they knew I sat around and talked to Texas Guinan! I didn’t know nothing when I lived there. Even the first few weeks I was in New York, I was kind of a sap. Maxie That sounds incredible. Fred I went sightseeing to places like the Aquarium, and Grant’s Tomb, and the Central Park animal zoo, and thought I was having a great time. A little friend of mine, she took me around places she’d been to and I thought I was seeing New York because I didn’t know no better. She was from a small town, too⁠—she didn’t know no better either. Only now I’ve learned. Maxie What’s become of her? Did she go home? Fred No, she lives here. She works for a dentist. I must call her up some time and see how she’s getting along. A Window Cleaner enters. He looks a great deal like a window cleaner. What are you going to do? Window Cleaner Wash the windows. Fred But we’re going to try a song here. Can’t you go somewheres else first? Window Cleaner First! I’m pretty near through for the day. Besides, they’re singing songs all over the building. That don’t bother me. Fred But we’re going to sing a new one for Mr. Hart. Window Cleaner How much does a man get for writing songs? Fred It depends on the song. Window Cleaner Say a big hit like “Nearer My God to Thee”? Just before Maxie can brain him, Paul comes on. Paul Are you ready? Fred Yah. To Maxie. Let’s do the song now. Maxie Plenty of time. Fred I wish Hart would come, so I can get my advance royalty check. Say, where will I get it cashed? At the American Express Company? Maxie Or the 59th Street Bridge. Benny Fox bounds on. He’s a songwriter of the dangerous type. Benny Where’s Hart? Fred He ain’t back yet. Benny Buttonholing Maxie. I’ve got it this time! “Hello, Tokyo!” How’s that for a title? They wanted a novelty number! I guess I’ve give it to them! Fred I and Paul have got a hit! Paul Yeah! Fred We think so, anyway. Benny Paying no attention to them.

In the verse I’ve got a fella here in New York that sees a pitcher of a Japanese princess and he’s nuts over her, but he can’t afford a trip to Japan just on a chance. So he calls her up-get it? “Hello, Tokyo!” Get this! Here’s the refrain! After he calls her up! He plays and sings it, the chorus being as follows:

“Hello, hello, Tokyo!
Girlie, you’ll excuse it, please,
If I no spik Japanese.
This little call will leave me broke-o,
But I simply had to say, ‘I love you so.’
Believe me, dearie, it’s no joke-o;
I’d gladly fly through fire and smoke-o’
To share with you the marriage yok-o,
Fairest flower of Tokyo-oky-okyo!”

But that isn’t all.