While the day is bright and the world in the pursuit of its numberless tasks crowds around, then it seems as if my life wants nothing else. But when the colours of the sky fade away and the blinds are drawn down over the windows of heaven, then my heart tells me that evening falls just for the purpose of shutting out the world, to mark the time when the darkness must be filled with the One. This is the end to which earth, sky, and waters conspire, and I cannot harden myself against accepting its meaning. So when the gloaming deepens over the world, like the gaze of the dark eyes of the beloved, then my whole being tells me that work alone cannot be the truth of life, that work is not the be-all and the end-all of man, for man is not simply a serf—even though the serfdom be of the True and the Good.
Alas, Nikhil, have you forever parted company with that self of yours who used to be set free under the starlight, to plunge into the infinite depths of the night’s darkness after the day’s work was done? How terribly alone is he, who misses companionship in the midst of the multitudinousness of life.
The other day, when the afternoon had reached the meeting-point of day and night, I had no work, nor the mind for work, nor was my master there to keep me company. With my empty, drifting heart longing to anchor on to something, I traced my steps towards the inner gardens. I was very fond of chrysanthemums and had rows of them, of all varieties, banked up in pots against one of the garden walls. When they were in flower, it looked like a wave of green breaking into iridescent foam. It was some time since I had been to this part of the grounds, and I was beguiled into a cheerful expectancy at the thought of meeting my chrysanthemums after our long separation.
As I went in, the full moon had just peeped over the wall, her slanting rays leaving its foot in deep shadow. It seemed as if she had come a-tiptoe from behind, and clasped the darkness over the eyes, smiling mischievously. When I came near the bank of chrysanthemums, I saw a figure stretched on the grass in front. My heart gave a sudden thud. The figure also sat up with a start at my footsteps.
What was to be done next? I was wondering whether it would do to beat a precipitate retreat. Bimala, also, was doubtless casting about for some way of escape. But it was as awkward to go as to stay! Before I could make up my mind, Bimala rose, pulled the end of her sari over her head, and walked off towards the inner apartments.
This brief pause had been enough to make real to me the cruel load of Bimala’s misery. The plaint of my own life vanished from me in a moment. I called out: “Bimala!”
She started and stayed her steps, but did not turn back. I went round and stood before her. Her face was in the shade, the moonlight fell on mine. Her eyes were downcast, her hands clenched.
“Bimala,” said I, “why should I seek to keep you fast in this closed cage of mine? Do I not know that thus you cannot but pine and droop?”
She stood still, without raising her eyes or uttering a word.
“I know,” I continued, “that if I insist on keeping you shackled my whole life will be reduced to nothing but an iron chain. What pleasure can that be to me?”
She was still silent.
“So,” I concluded, “I tell you, truly, Bimala, you are free. Whatever I may or may not have been to you, I refuse to be your fetters.” With which I came away towards the outer apartments.
No, no, it was not a generous impulse, nor indifference. I had simply come to understand that never would I be free until I could set free. To try to keep Bimala as a garland round my neck, would have meant keeping a weight hanging over my heart. Have I not been praying with all my strength, that if happiness may not be mine, let it go; if grief needs must be my lot, let it come; but let me not be kept in bondage. To clutch hold of that which is untrue as though it were true, is only to throttle oneself. May I be saved from such self-destruction.
When I entered my room, I found my master waiting there. My agitated feelings were still heaving within me. “Freedom, sir,” I began unceremoniously, without greeting or inquiry, “freedom is the biggest thing for man. Nothing can be compared to it—nothing at all!”
Surprised at my outburst, my master looked up at me in silence.
“One can understand nothing from books,” I went on. “We read in the scriptures that our desires are bonds, fettering us as well as others. But such words, by themselves, are so empty. It is only when we get to the point of letting the bird out of its cage that we can realize how free the bird has set us. Whatever we cage, shackles us with desire whose bonds are stronger than those of iron chains. I tell you, sir, this is just what the world has failed to understand. They all seek to reform something outside themselves. But reform is wanted only in one’s own desires, nowhere else, nowhere else!”
“We think,” he said, “that we are our own masters when we get in
