Kitty and the Midnight Hour

afraid of the dark or the creatures who live there. Our first call tonight comes from Oakland. Marie, hello.'

'Hi, Kitty. Thank you for taking my call.'

'You're welcome. You have a question?'

'Well, it's a problem, really.'

'All right. Shoot.'

'It's about my Master. I mean, for the most part I have no complaints. He's really sexy, and rich, you know? I get lots of perks like nice clothes and jewelry and stuff. But—there are a couple of things that make me uncomfortable.'

I winced. 'Marie, just so we're clear: You're human?'

'Yeah.'

'And you willingly enslaved yourself to a vampire, as his human servant?'

'Well, yeah.'

She certainly wasn't the first. 'And now you're unhappy because—'

'It isn't how I thought it would be.' And Marie certainly wasn't the first to discover this.

'Let me guess: There's a lot more blood involved than you thought there would be. He makes you clean up after feeding orgies, doesn't he?'

'Oh, no, the blood doesn't bother me at all. It's just that, well—he doesn't drink from my neck. He prefers drinking from my thigh.'

'And you're quibbling? You must have lovely thighs.'

'It's supposed to be the neck. In all the stories it's the neck.'

'There are some vampire legends where the vampire tears out the heart and laps up the blood. Be happy you didn't hook up with one of those.'

'And he doesn't wear silk.'

What could I say? The poor girl had had her illusions shattered.

'Does he make you eat houseflies?'

'No—'

'Marie, if you present your desires as a request, not a demand—make it sound as attractive as you think it is—your Master may surprise you. Buy him a silk shirt for his birthday. Hm?'

'Okay. I'll try. Thanks, Kitty.'

'Good luck, Marie. Next caller, Pete, you're on the air.'

'I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body.'

'Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition.'

'No, really. I'm trapped.'

'Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?'

'That's just it—I've never shape-shifted.'

'So you're not really a werewolf.'

'Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?'

'Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?'

'No, I'm serious.'

'So am I! Listen, you do not want to be attacked by a werewolf. You do not want to be a werewolf. You may think you do, but let me explain this one more time: Lycanthropy is a disease. It's a chronic, life-altering disease that has no cure. Its victims may learn to live with it— some of them better than others—but it prevents them from living a normal life ever again. It greatly increases your odds of dying prematurely and horribly.'

'But I want fangs and claws. I want to hunt deer with my bare hands. That would be so cool!'

I rubbed my forehead and sighed. I got at least one of these calls every show. If I could convince just one of these jokers that being a werewolf was not all that cool, I'd consider the show a success.

'It's a lot different when you hunt deer not because you want to but because you have to, because of your innate bloodlust, and because if you didn't hunt deer you'd be hunting people, and that would get you in trouble. How do you feel about hunting people, Pete? How about eating people?'

'Um, I would get used to it?'

'You'd get people with silver bullets gunning for you. For the last time, I do not advocate lycanthropy as a lifestyle choice. Next caller, please.'

'Um, yeah. Hi.'

'Hello.'

'I have a question for you. Werewolves and vampires—we're stronger than humans. What's to stop us from, oh, I don't know… robbing banks? The police can't stop us. Regular bullets don't work. So why aren't more of us out there wreaking havoc?'

'Human decency,' I said without thinking.

'But we're not—'

'—human? Do you really believe that you're not human?'

'Well, no. How can I be?'

I crossed my arms and sighed. 'The thing I keep hearing from all the people I talk to is that despite what they are and what they can do, they still want to be a part of human society. Society has benefits, even for them. So they take part in the social contract. They agree to live by human rules. Which means they don't go around 'wreaking havoc.' And that's why, ultimately, I think we can all find a way to live together.'

Wow. I shocked myself sometimes with how reasonable I made all this sound. I might even have believed it. No, I had to believe it, or I wouldn't be doing the show.

The caller hesitated before saying, 'So I tell you I'm a werewolf, and you'll tell me that you think I'm human?'

He couldn't know that he was asking me to label myself. 'Yes. And if you live in the human world, you have to live by human laws.'

The trick with this show was confidence. I only had to sound like I knew what I was talking about.

'Yeah, well, thanks.'

'Thanks for calling. Hello, James, you're on the air.'

'I have a question, Kitty.' His voice came low and muffled, like he was speaking too close to the handset.

'Okay.'

'Does a werewolf need to be in a pack? Can't he just be on his own?' A sense of longing tainted the question.

'I suppose, theoretically, a werewolf doesn't need a pack. Why do you ask?'

'Curious. Just curious. It seems like no one on your show ever talks about being a werewolf without a pack. Do they?'

'You're right, I don't hear much about werewolves without hearing about packs. I think—' This was where the show got tricky: How much could I talk about without bringing up personal experience, without giving something away? 'I think packs are important to werewolves. They offer safety, protection, a social group. Also control. They're not going to want a rogue wolf running around making a mess of things and drawing attention to the rest of them. A pack is a way to keep tabs on all the lycanthropes in an area. Same thing for vampire Families.'

'But just because a werewolf is on his own doesn't mean he's automatically going to go out and start killing people. Does it?' The guy was tense. Even over the phone I could hear an edge to his voice.

'What do you think, James?'

'I don't know. That's why I called you. You're always talking about how anybody, even monsters, can choose what they do, can choose whether or not they're going to let their natures control them, or rise above all that. But can we really? Maybe—maybe if I don't have a pack… if I don't want to have anything to do with a pack… maybe that's my own way of taking control. I'm not giving in. I don't have to be like that. I can survive on my own. Can't I? Can't I?'