How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Source: Thompson, Dave “More Dumb Men Jokes”
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6
DAN LOOKED at himself in the mirror, and straightened his tie. He liked the Armani tux and thought it worth the extravagant price he’d paid. The tailoring was so fine he felt completely at ease and ready for the night ahead.
He expected to find Jessica waiting for him in the living room, but the bedroom door was still closed. She’d gotten home an hour ago, given him a brief report on her day, including Owen’s insistence that Dan wasn’t really her boyfriend, and then she’d closed herself in to get ready for the gala.
He’d stared at the door for a long time, aware of the urge to walk in on her, to watch her as she dressed. In his mind’s eye he’d imagined her sorting out her things, preparing herself layer by layer. Dressed in nothing more than a long royal-blue kimono, she’d passed by on her way to her shower. When she reappeared, her hair was fixed in a sensual updo and her makeup made her blue eyes seem startlingly vivid and her full lips moist and ripe as just-picked strawberries.
She’d disappeared again, leaving him to get dressed, and he’d taken his time. They were to be at the party a full hour before the first guests should arrive so that Jessica could take care of any last-minute details. Marla had called once, and Jessica had taken it in the bedroom. Other than that interruption, he’d been left to his own thoughts, which had gone in one very narrow direction.
Last night, after Jessica had gone to bed, hadn’t been a restful one. The question he’d asked her had tormented him, giving rise to image after image of him tying her to his large four-poster. In some scenarios she was naked, but in most she wore something. A bra and panties, white lace or black. A bustier complete with garter and dark hose, and as he’d tied silk scarves to her graceful ankles, he studied her four-inch stilettos. Still another version had her in business garb, a slim skirt he’d hoisted to the junction of her thighs, the better to spread her legs. Her demure jacket unbuttoned and open, revealing a thin teddy that couldn’t hide the hard buds of her nipples.
In each of his mental movies, she’d begun with hesitation and not a little bit of fear. As the scene progressed, he’d toyed with her, teased her into a writhing frenzy of lust and desire. In the end, he imagined her cries of release.
The only way he could get himself to sleep was to vow, quite sincerely, that before he’d said goodbye to Jessica, after this charade had ended, he would have her in his bed. And he would let loose the sensual creature he saw just beyond her cool facade.
Morning had come too quickly, and with it, her departure. After she’d left, he’d gone over his notes. The questions he’d written just the day before no longer felt probing enough. He was after something ephemeral and he wasn’t certain yet what tack to take.
The frustration had mounted until he’d had to escape the suite. He’d gone to the hotel gym and worked himself into exhaustion on the treadmill and then on free weights. He followed his regular routine, except at home his run was by the Central Park Pond, and when he did his weights, he didn’t do as many reps. His muscles still ached, but pleasantly.
Back at the room, he’d showered, dressed and discovered Jessica had returned to the suite. She had been in the bedroom for an hour now, but she would have to come out soon if they were going to be on time. Jessica struck him as someone who would be appalled at tardiness. He thought about having a drink but he wanted to be on his toes to assess the situation at the party. Later, if things went smoothly, he’d indulge in some champagne, but for now, he poured himself a glass of water and settled on the couch.
He didn’t have to wait long. The bedroom door opened, and he stood before he turned. What he saw made him swallow hard. She looked like the woman from his fantasies, all of them, wrapped into one. Her sleeveless gown, a deep scarlet that matched her lips, hugged her bodice, lifting her lush, pale breasts into perfect mounds. After tapering at her waist, the material flowed past her hips to swirl around her feet. He could just see the pointed tip of one shoe, the color an exact match to the dress. Simple, elegant, she was everything beautiful and sinful about a woman. The long curve of her neck, the perfection of her shoulders…“Amazing,” he said, his voice rough and quieter than he’d intended, the word inadequate by a mile.
Her lips curled into a slow smile, and her cheeks turned a fetching pink. “Thank you. You’re pretty amazing yourself.”
He grinned. “This old thing? I wear it to pick apples.”
He was rewarded with a laugh. He liked the way her eyes crinkled when she let go like that. He liked a lot about her.
“Are you ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
He held his arm out for her. “The chariot awaits, my lady.”
“Chariot, my behind. All I want to do is get through tonight with no major disasters.”
“It’s going to be an unqualified success,” he said as she walked up to him. He hadn’t noticed before, but she held a small bag in her right hand, scarlet, to match her shoes, glittering to match the magic of her eyes. “The only problem you’re going to have is that all the other women will be green with envy.”
She touched his arm softly. “I can’t believe you don’t understand women. You’ve certainly mastered the art of flattery.”
“You think that was flattery? Wrong. Just stating the facts, like the research stud I am.”
She laughed again. “Just do me a favor. Keep Owen off my back tonight. Then I’ll call you any kind of stud you want.”
He waggled his eyebrows as he led her to the door. “I’m going to hold you to that.”
“That’s fine, hold me.” Her step faltered. “To it,” she rushed to add.
He didn’t say anything, just enjoyed that he could fluster her. Discretion being the better part of valor, he decided to rescue his maiden from further embarrassment. “Tell me more about Owen. Did he find you?”
Her stride evened as they approached the elevator. “Yes, he did. He laughed a lot, like we were sharing some colossal joke. He asked if you were that gay friend of mine.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That I should have mentioned you before, because things were getting pretty serious, but that I work hard at keeping my private life private.”
“Nice. And his response?”
“I don’t know. I was saved by the bell. Marla called, and I went outside to talk to her.”
“Better and better. But have no fear. Tonight we’ll end his doubts.”
The elevator arrived and she led him inside. A man in a rumpled suit rested against the back of the car and the way he stared at Jessica made Dan want to wash his mind out with soap. Dan positioned himself between Jessica and the lecher, putting his arm around her shoulder as the doors whispered closed.
She looked up at him sharply. “Rehearsing?”
He smiled. “You never know who’ll be on the other side of those doors.”
