'Grandma!'
She shrugged. 'So tell me about the help you've been giving Jesse.'
'I don't want to talk about that.'
'You think Ryan might have killed Marc, and you're trying to prove that he didn't.'
I shook my head. 'I don't know what I'm trying to prove anymore. I really don't. I just have to know the answer.'
'Do you love Ryan?'
I looked into her gray-blue eyes. 'Why are you asking me that?'
'You've been leaving your wedding invitations all over the place and following Jesse around.'
'I left them one place, in Jesse's office. And I haven't been following Jesse around. I've been helping him.'
'He doesn't seem to think so, at the moment, anyway.'
'I admit we had a fight.' I stopped and looked at her. 'How do you know about that, anyway?' She smiled. I knew I was turning a little red. 'Can I get anything past you?'
'I have spies,' she laughed, waking up Barney, who had been sleeping in the corner.
'Barney?' I asked, only half kidding. I wasn't sure how she knew the things she knew anymore.
'Heavens, no. He's dumb as a post, poor handsome thing.'
Upstairs I pushed my quilt off the bed and lay under a dark blue blanket. My cell phone rang. It was Ryan again. This time I picked up.
'Finally.' His voice seemed far away. 'Where have you been all day?'
'Why did you come up here the day Marc was killed?'
'What?'
'Just tell me?'
'I thought we should talk.'
'You didn't come up here to get back together, then get spooked when you saw Marc? Because that's what I thought happened.'
There was silence for a minute. 'I meant what I said that day by the river. I realized what a stupid mistake I was making by letting you go.'
'You told someone that at Moran's Pub.'
'No, I didn't. What are you talking about?'
'You were on the phone at Moran's Pub the day of the murder. Who were you talking to?'
'How do you know that?' His voice was getting angry. I heard him take a breath. 'I was talking to Amanda.'
'What did she tell you?'
'She told me that I needed to decide what I wanted. And that once I knew I should go for it. So I decided to fight for you.' He stopped. 'Not like that. Not like that.'
I stared at the ceiling, my mind blank. 'You told Jesse that you went into the shop when I was there. That isn't true.'
'I panicked. I knew it would look bad.'
'Didn't you think Jesse would ask me the same question?'
'I knew you would back me up.' I smiled a little at that. He was so sure of me. 'It's not a big deal.'
I sat up. 'Why were you in the shop?'
'To talk to him. He kicked me out. I hit him,' he said. 'What does it matter? You need to put this behind you. We have to put the past behind us and just move on. You hear me?'
'Yes,' I said, but my voice had gone dull.
'You love me, Nell.'
'Can I call you tomorrow?'
'Jesus. Yeah, I guess. What's going on?'
'I'll call you tomorrow.'
I clicked the end button on my cell phone and closed my eyes. Was he right? Should I just put the past behind me? And if I did, how much of the past should I let go of?
CHAPTER 55
The next morning I walked down to the river and sat on a rock near the spot where Ryan had reproposed to me. I looked out at the icy water. It was only early October, but the air was biting. My cheeks were numb and my eyes were starting to tear, but I couldn't leave that spot. I didn't spend fifty years with Ryan. I didn't have his children or watch his hair turn gray. And yet sitting here, I felt the loss of all of it. It had been hard when I felt he'd taken it away from me. Choosing to leave, which should have been easier, left me feeling sick.
I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Ryan's number.
'Hey,' came the voice on the other end. 'What's wrong? Have you been crying?'
'I was thinking we should talk.'
'About what? Us or the murder?' His voice had a hardness to it.
'Us.'
'I'll get on the next train. I'll meet you at your grandmother's house,' he said.
'You don't have to come up. I can come to the city. Amanda wants to get together for lunch, anyway.'
'You can see her another time,' he said softly. 'I want to be alone with you.'
It made me uncomfortable to hear the tenderness in his voice. As the morning wore on, my nerves got the better of me. I didn't think sitting around my grandmother's kitchen table would make the conversation any easier, so I decided to meet him at the station.
The train was pulling up as I turned the corner. I could barely catch my breath, so I stopped and leaned against the station's small ticket booth. I knew I was doing the right thing, but I still hadn't found the right way to do it. Ryan would be off that train any minute. I swallowed hard as the train stopped. The doors opened and an older man got off at the door nearest me. Down the platform, I saw Ryan step off the train into the sunlight. I could see the cold air from his breath as he stood and put his gloves on. I didn't want to step out from behind the building. I wasn't ready for him to see me. I knew the minute he looked into my eyes, he would know it was over.
Then someone got off the train behind him. A woman. She was wearing a hat, scarf, long red coat, and tall black boots. There was almost no skin showing, but I knew who it was-Amanda. I didn't know if her presence would make things easier or harder, but this wasn't a conversation for three.
I stepped out from behind the building and started walking toward them when I saw Amanda grab Ryan's arm. He pulled away from her in an almost violent motion.
'Get away from me,' he yelled. It stopped me in my tracks. 'I'm not going to say it again.'
'Ryan,' she said meekly. She was crying.
'Hi,' I said. They both turned to me and stared.
'I thought I was meeting you at your grandmother's,' Ryan finally said.
'I decided to surprise you, but I guess you beat me to it.' I could hear the flatness, the lack of emotion in my voice. I looked at Amanda, who was wiping the tears from her eyes. It was clear that she did not start crying as she stepped off the train. Her eyes were red and her face was swollen and flushed.
'I'm sorry,' Amanda blurted out as though she had been holding it back with all her strength. Then she started crying again and walked down the platform toward the ticket booth.
'I was supposed to meet you at your grandmother's,' Ryan said again.
I paused. I was watching Amanda sobbing and Ryan stammer. Then it hit me. 'How long have you and Amanda…' I couldn't get the last word out.
'It's not like that.'
'What's it like?'
Ryan looked at his feet and shook his head slowly. 'I don't want to talk about this here.'
