Knitting Under the Influence

“That's because it's always just been about having fun before,” Kathleen said. “No one can sustain fun forever. But this is about more than that. This is about stability and friendship and-”

“She's bored out of her mind,” Lucy said to Sari.

“How come you don't get bored with us?” Sari asked.

“It's the sex,” Lucy said. “She gets bored having sex with the same guy over and over again. Since she doesn't have sex with us-”

“Shouldn't that make you even more boring?” Kathleen asked.

“No, because you actually bother talking to us,” Lucy said. “If you ever found a guy you liked talking to instead of just having sex all the time, you might last more than a few weeks with him.”

“Don't blame me,” Kathleen said. “There isn't a guy out there who's willing to sit around and talk when he thinks he could be having sex.”

It was Kathleen's idea to take Sari out for a drink before going to the costume store, but Lucy immediately seconded the motion.

“You'll be more open to our suggestions if you're tipsy,” Kathleen said.

“You mean you're going to force an outfit on me when I’m too drunk to argue,” Sari said.

“We're your friends,” Lucy said. “If you can't trust us-”

“You're my friends,” Sari said. “And I don't trust you at all.” But she let them drag her into a bar half a block from their destination.

When the bartender brought them their drinks, Kathleen said to Lucy, “I can't believe you drink straight scotch.” “It's not straight,” Lucy said. “It's on the rocks.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I like it. It's a manly drink. And it's lower in calories than those girly cocktails everyone else drinks, but gets the job done faster.”

“I’m drinking a beer,” Kathleen said. “That's just as manly as scotch.”

“No, it's not. It's a frat boys drink. A whole different thing.”

Sari frowned at her glass of white wine. “Clearly, I lose this particular contest. But why exactly do we have to be manly in our choice of alcoholic beverages?”

“It's just cooler,” Lucy said.

“Scotch tastes like medicine,” Sari said.

“I like it,” Lucy said and drank it slowly, but with real pleasure. She stopped after one-she was driving, and scotch was strong stuff-but the other two had another round, so when they finally got to the costume store, they were all pretty looped and giggly.

Sari was relaxed enough now to try on a sexy cat costume. When she walked out of the fitting room, Kathleen let out a loud wolf whistle, and everyone in the store turned to look.

“For God's sake, Kathleen!” Sari grabbed the fitting room curtain and pulled it across her body. “Do you have to completely embarrass me?”

“What are you talking about?” Kathleen said. “You look fantastic. Every other woman in this store would kill to look that good in a leotard.”

Lucy said, “She looks good, but the black cat thing's a total cliche-everyone does it. Try this one.” She handed Sari another outfit.

When Sari reemerged, Lucy said, “Now that's perfect. It totally fits with the theme.”

“A nurse's uniform?” Kathleen said.

“Yeah. I mean, she's working with sick kids-”

“They're not sick, they have autism,” Sari said. “And it's made out of vinyl, Lucy. I can't wear white vinyl to work. That's just wrong.”

“Why not?” Kathleen said. “It wipes off easily.” For some reason, this struck all three of them as hysterically funny, and they laughed so hard that Kathleen had to crouch down to keep from falling over.

A saleswoman came over and eyed them suspiciously. “May I help you?” she said.

“No, thank you,” Sari said, just as Lucy said, “Yes, you can. We need a costume for our friend here that shows off her assets, but doesn't go over the top. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah,” Kathleen said, clambering to her feet. “It should say, ‘I could get any man I want but I don't need a man to be happy and just because I’m letting you look doesn't mean you should even dream about touching.’ Oh, and kids should think it's totally super-cool.”

The saleswoman was in her mid- to late fifties. She had short gray hair and wore half-moon reading glasses on a chain around her neck. She looked back and forth between them for a moment, her eyes narrowed, her lips pressed together in a hard line.“All right,” she said. “I’ll see what I can do. Wait here.” She disappeared down an aisle.

“Vinyl,” Sari said, looking down at herself. “I can't believe you guys.”

“What do you think she'll come back with?” Kathleen asked Lucy.

“I don't know. It just better not be another damn cat.” They all dissolved into giggles again.

The saleswoman returned with a costume.

“What is it?” Lucy asked.

“A warrior princess. Guys go crazy for this one. But it's not too revealing. Try it on.” She pushed it at Sari, who obediently disappeared inside the fitting room. She soon came back out in a tight fake leather and metal miniskirt and an even tighter bustier top made out of the same materials.

“Plus there are wrist cuffs,” the saleswoman said, holding them up.

“You know who you are, Sari?” Kathleen circled around her. “You're Xena-the coolest woman ever! It's perfect”

“You're totally hot,” Lucy agreed, “but not indecent. The kids will just think you look like a superhero, but the dads will think they've died and gone to heaven.”

“What do you think?” Sari said, appealing to the saleswoman. “Would you wear this to a Halloween party for kids?”

“Honey,” the saleswoman said, “if I looked as good in that as you do, I would wear it to Sunday dinner at my in-laws.” She handed them the hanger and wrist cuffs and went off after another customer.

Kathleen stared after her. “I think I’m in love,” she said.

“There's an age difference,” Sari said.

“Love knows no boundaries.”

“We need tall black boots to complete the outfit,” Lucy said.“Do you have anything like that, Sari? With high heels? Really high heels?”

Sari rolled her eyes. “What do you think?”

“I have some that would be perfect,” Kathleen said.

“And twelve sizes too big,” Lucy said. “There's a Shoe Pavilion down the street-we'll find something there.”

Sari was studying herself in the mirror. “Are you sure this isn't too much?” she said. “I mean, look at my breasts.”

“I can't take my eyes off of them,” Kathleen said. “How'd you manage to hide them all these years?”

Lucy was still eyeing Sari critically. “I wish your hair were longer,” she said. “Why'd you have to cut it so short?”

“Because I worked with a kid who kept pulling on it,” Sari said. “He was yanking it right out of my head.”

“Doesn't that piss you off?” Lucy said.

“Nah. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know how else to get my attention. But he's doing really well now-he can say a lot of words and isn't nearly so frustrated.”

“I still don't think I can forgive him,” Lucy said. “I mean, your hair.”

“I think the short hair actually works with this,” Kathleen said. “Just make sure you chop it up with gel or mousse or something, Sari. Xena shouldn't be fluffy.”

“Xena had long straight hair,” Lucy said.

“Yeah, but the little blond chick on the show cut hers short and after that looked even hotter than Xena.”

Sari bought the costume and they threw the bag into Lucy's car, then left it there while they walked the