Knitting Under the Influence

“No one else,” Lucy said. “Ever.”

“I hope it's the best sex of your life, with Kevin,” Sari said. “Because it's him and only him from now on.”

“What are you trying to do?” Kathleen said with a little laugh. “Scare me shitless?”

“We just want to make sure you know what you're getting into,” Sari said. “That you're going into this with your eyes open.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“So you think the sex is better with him than it could ever be with anyone else?”

There was a pause. Then Kathleen said, “That's a stupid question, Sari. It's un-unanswerable.” She stumbled over the last word, but got it out.

“Think about this then,” Sari said. “Is there any guy out there right now-anyone-who, if Kevin were out of the picture, you'd want to sleep with?”

“Is there any guy out there she doesn't want to sleep with?” Lucy said and dissolved into high-pitched giggles that rapidly turned into snorts and then hiccups.

“How much did she have to drink?” Kathleen asked Sari.

“same as us.”

“Man, then we must be totally wasted.”

“You haven't answered my question,” Sari said.

Kathleen knitted in silence for a moment. Then, looking up, she said slowly, “If the question is, is there another guy out there who-” She stopped.

“Who what?” said Sari, when several seconds had gone by and Kathleen still hadn't finished her sentence.

“Oh, what difference does it make?” Kathleen said. She went back to knitting, stabbing the needles at each other with a sudden wild energy. “It's all just what maybe could be or might be but isn't and I have Kevin now and he loves me and he gave me this ring and this is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been in and even the twins don't own a beach house in Hawaii and why are you doing this to me, Sari? Why won't you let me enjoy it? Are you jealous? Is that what this is about?”“Yeah,” said Sari. “I’m jealous. That's what this is about.”

Kathleen looked up then and their eyes met. “I’m sorry,” Kathleen said. “That was a stupid thing to say. But why are you making this so hard on me? The decision's been made, Sari. I’m wearing the guy's engagement ring, in case you hadn't noticed.”

“It's a surprise wedding,” Sari said. “No one else knows you're even engaged. So why not wait? If you and Kevin really love each other, you can get married a year from now and-”

“If I don't marry Kevin tomorrow, we won't last another week,” Kathleen said.

There was a pause. Then Lucy said, “”Well, then, why-”

“Because of me,” Kathleen said. She let her knitting drop from her fingers and curled herself up into a ball. “Because of the way I am. I’m always getting bored with guys-you two know that better than anyone. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not having someone steady and I’m sick of not having anything I really like to do and I’m sick of not knowing what I want my life to be.”

There was another pause. Then Lucy said, “You like to knit.”

“Yeah,” Kathleen said with a sigh. “I like to knit. Maybe that'll keep me busy when I’m old and all alone.”

“You won't be alone when you're old,” Sari said. “You'll have us.”

“You guys will have husbands and kids. And cute little grandchildren.”

“Our husbands will die and our kids will ignore us,” Sari said. “We'll need you as much as you'll need us.”

“I don't think so.”

“Still,” Sari said, “you shouldn't marry a guy because you're scared.”

“Fuck you,” Kathleen said. “Why the fuck do you have to be so fucking right all the time?” No one said anything for a moment. Then she flung her hand out. “Fine, Sari, you win. No wedding. But you guys have to be with me when I tell him.”

“Does this mean you have to give the ring back?” Lucy said.

They slept together in the king-size bed that night, all three of them. They left the doors to the lanai open and ocean breezes sent them all spinning into a strange, dreamy doze, until the alcohol wore off in the middle of the night and they woke up in turns, wildly thirsty and needing to pee.

At one of her more-awake-than-asleep moments, Kathleen stumbled into the bathroom and slurped water greedily straight from the faucet. When she came back, Sari whispered hoarsely, “You okay?”

“Yeah.” She crawled into bed next to Sari. “Except I feel like whatever I do tomorrow, I’m going to be making a big mistake.”

“That means that whatever you do, you're saving yourself from a big mistake,” Sari said. “Look at it that way.”

“That helps,” Kathleen said. She snuggled close and eventually they fell back to sleep.

The girls were subdued in the morning, not talking much as they showered and got dressed-not in sarongs and bikinis this time, but in their regular jeans and tank tops.

“Oh, shit,” Lucy said, picking up the knitting she'd left on the chair the night before. “Oh, shit!” She held it up for the others to see. A bunch of stitches had fallen off the circular needles and one stitch had pulled out in a run that went hallway down the whole thing. “I can't believe it,” she said. “I’m going to have to start all over again.”

Sari exclaimed in sympathy, but when she went to pick up her own knitting, she realized she had her own problems. “Oh, man, look at this. I forgot to switch colors. Now the red part's twice as wide as it's supposed to be. I’m going to have to rip out everything I did last night.”

“And mine's all tangled,” Kathleen said, shoving it into her knitting bag. “I’ll deal with it later. But clearly it's a mistake to knit when you're drunk.”

“They should warn people about this,” Sari said. “Maybe even make it a law-don't drink and knit.” She looked at Kathleen.

“How are you doing this morning?”

“A little hungover.”

“Any change of heart?”

Kathleen shook her head. “No. You're right. I shouldn't get married.”

“Is there someone else?”

“Not really. Maybe. But it's not that. It's-” She fingered a shell on the desk; Lucy had brought it back from the beach the day before. It was bone-white and smooth. “I like Kevin. But I don't really want to spend the rest of my life with him. I get bored whenever we're alone together for more than an hour or two.” She looked up. “I was drunk when I said yes. And I thought if I pretty much stayed drunk from then until the wedding, I’d get through it and then it would just be done and once it was done, I’d just, you know… kind of go with it.”

“Someday you'll meet a guy you won't have to get drunk to marry,” Lucy said.

“Or not,” Kathleen said.

“Or not,” Sari said. “Either way, you're right not to do this.”

They all went into the kitchen together. Kevin was already sitting at the table, drinking coffee and leafing through a newspaper. He looked up with a pleasant smile. “There you are! I figured you all fell asleep in a great big heap last night, like a litter of puppies.”

“Yeah, basically,” Sari said with a quick sideways glance at Kathleen, who was hesitating, biting her lip. It was strange to see Kathleen look so unsure of herself.

Kevin didn't seem to notice, though. “I made coffee, if anyone wants some. From Kona beans-the best there is. Help yourselves.”

“Thanks,” said Lucy and went to pour herself a cup.

Sari stayed right at Kathleen's elbow.

Kevin turned the page, smoothed the paper out in front of him and said to Kathleen, “So, ready to go get married?”

“No,” Kathleen said.

“I know.” He was still smiling. “I’m nervous, too.”

“It's not that,” she said. She reached for Sari's hand and squeezed it painfully tight as she went on. “I’m not ready to get married, Kevin. I’m sorry. We talked a lot last night and I realized I’m just not ready for this.”