Knitting Under the Influence

“I can tell you right now that if you're a horrible human being, the rest of us are in deep shit,” Kathleen said. “You're the most decent person I know. But I like the drink idea.”

“Should I call Luce?”

“Of course.”

The bar was in Brentwood Village. Sari got there first and had their drinks already set up at a table by the time Kathleen walked in wearing a torn sweatshirt and no makeup, with her hair pulled back in a sloppy ponytail. “Is Lucy coming?” she asked as she slid into a chair and picked up her drink-vodka and cranberry juice, same as Sari's-with a nod of thanks.

Sari shook her head. “She's working late and then she's going to meet some friend of David's.”

“How dare she have a wonderful time with a wonderful guy instead of being miserable with us? Doesn't she know I just broke up with my fiance? What kind of friend is she?”

“It is kind of a betrayal,” Sari said. “And what's up with her going straight from one great guy to another when I haven't even had a date in months? She's definitely getting more than her share.”

“Wouldn't it be nice if friends could always be in sync?” Kathleen said. “Like you could all be happily in love at the same time and then have your hearts broken at the same time? Then there wouldn't ever be availability issues or resentment or anything.”

“That never happens,” Sari said. “One person's always running around thinking that love totally rocks while the others are curled up in a fetal position listening to Alanis Morissette and sobbing.” She took a sip of her drink. Then another. “But when you think about it, maybe it's for the best. If everyone got depressed at exactly the same time, who'd be around to cheer you up and pull you out of it? You'd just sink deeper and deeper. It could get ugly.”

“That's so not how it works,” Kathleen said. “Misery loves company. The only way to cheer up is to feel like other people are even more miserable than you are-especially your closest friends.”

“Aw,” said Sari. “That's so sweet and generous of you. Remind me to avoid you whenever I’m happy.” “I was joking.”

“Doesn't matter,” Sari said. “I’ll never be happy again anyway.”

“You are in a funk,” Kathleen said. “Tell me about your day.”

And Sari did.

“First of all,” Kathleen said when Sari had finished, “you are so not the bad guy in this. You couldn't be cruel to a kid even if you tried, and Cute Asshole Guy is way out of line trying to lay a guilt trip on you. You know that, right?”Sari stared morosely at her drink, which was already depressingly close to empty. “I don't know. He has a point. I shouldn't have cut things off with the kid just because- I mean, I knew who Jason was from the beginning. If I had a problem with it, I shouldn't have started working with Zack in the first place.”

“You didn't know the guy would come on to you,” Kathleen said. “That changes everything. Anyway, even if the kid misses you and cries a little now and then, you haven't actually hurt him, have you? I’m sure you're the best therapist there and all, but I’ve got to assume there are other decent ones at the clinic-”

“Of course.”

“So there you go. The kid's totally fine. Jason Smith was just trying to make you feel bad. And I’m guessing he succeeded.” She tilted her forehead questioningly toward Sari, who smiled weakly. “Well, don't let him win. You're the best girl around, and who should know better than me?”

“No one,” Sari said. “I wish you'd been there to defend me. Or that I’d at least defended myself a little. I could have said-” She stopped. “I don't know what I could have said, but something. Instead, I just sat there like an idiot while he told me how mean I was to Zack and then let him leave thinking he'd won. I’ll be up all night torturing myself about it, thinking about all the things I should have said. It'll keep me up for weeks.”

“Yeah, but if you had said something, you'd probably be up all night wishing you'd said something completely different or even that you'd just kept quiet. These things never go the way you want them to.”

“Life doesn't go the way you want it to,” Sari said.

“And on that cheerful note, we drink,” said Kathleen. They clinked glasses.

V

With Zack coming to the clinic four days a week, it was inevitable that Sari would run into the Smiths again and she knew it. She thought a lot about what she might say if Jason accused her again of having been cruel to Zack but didn't like anything she came up with.

The truth was that she actually felt pretty guilty about abandoning Zack, which made it hard to come up with a good argument defending her right to have done so.

Every day at work, she worried about running into Jason and reopening all the old wounds, and every night she went to bed relieved it hadn't happened.

Mostly relieved. There was a tiny bit of disappointment mixed in there-whether she liked to admit it or not, there had been a thrill to seeing Jason and, with that gone, the days just felt like work again, tedious and monotonous and extremely unsexy.

And a sense of unfinished business hovered over her. She wanted to see Jason again-she needed to see him again, to set everything straight so they could be done with each other.

She wanted to see Jason again.

She turned a lot whenever she heard a man's voice at the clinic.

Her heart would start knocking hard against her chest for a second or two, and then she would realize that it wasn't Jason, was just some other guy who had no right to be standing there talking and not being Jason. And the disappointment and relief were just about equal.

One Thursday, a couple of weeks later, Ellen was out at a school IEP meeting, and Sari had gone into her office to try to find a clients folder that Ellen had sworn she'd left on the credenza in there. Sari's back was to the open door when she suddenly felt something hit her from behind-and there was Zack, throwing his arms around her leg and clutching it to his small chest as if he were drowning and her leg was the only flotation device he could find.

With a rush of delight, Sari bent over him, sniffing at the good sweet little boy smell of his hair and neck.

“Sari,” he said. “Hi, Sari.”

“It's good to see you,” she said and squeezed his shoulders hard. When she lifted her head, she saw Jason watching from just outside the open office door, his face tight and expressionless.

Still holding on to her leg, Zack looked back at his father. “Sari,” he said.

“Yeah,” his father said. “I remember.” He held out his hand to Zack. “Come on, pal. We have to go.”

Zack shook his head. “Sari.”

“She's busy,” his father said. “Too busy for us. Come on.”

“I’ve missed you, Zack,” Sari said. “How are you?”

“How are you?” he replied politely.

“No, say, ‘Good,’ Zack.”

“Even if he's not good?” Jason took a step forward, into the office. “That's the great thing about autistic kids, isn't it? They'll say what you tell them to, even if it's not true. Why don't you teach him to say, ‘I don't miss you at all, Sari’?”

Sari stared at him. “You don't need to make me feel guilty, you know. Zack is fine. He's doing great.”

“How do you know that?”

“The way he's talking to me. I can tell he's making progress.”

“Sure,” Jason said. “Whatever gets you through the night.”

“Stop it,” Sari said. “Stop it. You're not being fair.” She swallowed hard, then plunged in. “I didn't quit to be mean to Zack. I quit because it was all too hard. And he's okay. He's going to be fine. He's got Christopher, who's