'No.' she said. She drew her hand away.
'Why not?'
'You know why. Let's dance.'
'Wait a minute,' I said. I called the waitress over and ordered another round.
When we were in the other room dancing, I said, 'Haven't you tried to figure it out?'
'I was very much in love with him. We went together all through high school and college.'
'Did you ever sleep with him?'
'Don't talk like that, please.'
I was holding her hands. They felt cold. My hands were warm.
'You ought to figure it out,' I said.
'I've tried.'
'What happens when somebody kisses you?' 'I feel rotten. I was never like that.'
'He's been dead a year.'
'I know.'
'You're very beautiful.' I took her by the hand and led her back to the table. Our drinks were there. Damn, I wanted a drink suddenly. I felt edgy. No, I felt the desire for a drink, and I fought it off, but I could feel it hanging around the edge of my lips, trickling down into my chest.
'Let's get out of here,' I said.
'I knew you wouldn't enjoy it.'
'Not your fault,' I said. 'Come on. Let's get out of here.' I stood up. 'I want a drink. Badly. Maybe I won't if we get out of here.'
We drove across town. It was dark and chilly. I turned on the heater. We passed a park. It was dark and out of the streetlights. I parked beside the curb. I turned and looked at her.
'Look,' I said. 'I like you a helluva lot. Maybe I can help you.'
She laughed. 'Oh, God, you can do better than that.'
'I'm not kidding.'
I clenched both fists tightly. I thought of a massage girl in Thailand. She had taught me a lot. I counted to five. I unclenched my fists and. stretched my fingers wide.
'What're you doing?'
'Take it easy,' I said. 'Nobody's going to make a pass at you.'
I shook my hands rapidly back and forth. My wrists and fingers felt loose. I turned toward her.
'Take it easy,' I said. 'I'm not making a pass at you.'
'What is this?' she asked. She sounded scared. We looked at each other in the dark.
I lifted my hands. She clasped her face in her hands and drew her head back. I did not move my hands. We sat half-turned, facing each other.
Be gentle, I thought. Make the touch relaxing.
'Close your eyes,' I said softly. I brought my hands nearer the side of her face. She did not move. I put three fingers on each side of her face. I pressed slowly and gently.
'Please, please,' she said, but did not move.
I made a slow circular movement on each side of her face, two fingers against her temple, my thumbs against her cheeks. I did not rub over the flesh, but felt the muscles move in her cheeks and along the side of her head. I did it three times and then moved my fingers down an inch or two and made the same slow circular motion.
I felt her jaw and face relax. I continued making the same circular motion. I drew my hands an inch away. She did not move. I could hear her breathing. Her eyes were closed.
I lowered the little finger of each hand against her cheek, just grazing her cheek, then drew it back, at the same time ever so lightly grazing her flesh. I touched my index finger upon her cheek and just as it finished grazing her cheek, I gently lowered my middle fingers and grazed her cheeks so there was only one finger of each hand over touching her skin at the same time.
'Ah-hhhh,' she said. Then, with all four fingers of each hand pressed together, I ran them smoothly and lightly up and down her cheeks to her temple and down to her chin. I could feel my cock tingling, her skin tingling.
I brushed her lips gently with my lips. Her head jerked back immediately and she struck at my hands.
'You said!' she cried.
I turned away. I didn't say anything. I started the car and drove along the street silently.
To hell with you, Cassidy, I thought for a second. I was sore at her, but knew I didn't have any right to be sore. She touched my arm.
'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I can't. You're nice. Please understand.'
'I'm not nice.'
'Yes. You are nice. Really, I can't.'
I wanted to hold her close, to hold her tenderly, to kiss her tenderly, to feel her heart beating against mine, her lips opening softly, her mouth opening against my mouth.
To hell with it, I thought. I didn't know what her hang-up was. But I was willing to wait. I felt a tenderness toward her I hadn't felt in a long time. I didn't understand it. It had been so long since I had felt this way toward a girl. Screw 'em and leave 'em. I did not want to leave Mary.
After a while we arrived at her apartment. I walked with her to her door and she went in and I drove back to the motel. I went into my room. The landlady was lying in my bed. She looked at me and smiled.
'Who's the girlfriend?' '
'Screw off.'
'Now you're talking.'
She pushed back the covers. She lay there naked. It's true. A cock has no conscience. I could have walked out of the room. But I didn't.
'I'm pooped,' I said.
'Tell me another,' she said. 'You'll feel really sleepy in a little while.'
'For Chrissake,' I said, feeling my cock getting hard. She saw it happening.
'Come here, Smokey Bear.' She laughed.
I tripped on my shoes snapping the lights off and got into bed. It was dark. I didn't have to look at her. She tried to turn the bed light on and I stopped her.
'What's a matter?' she asked.
'I'm afraid of the light.'
She laughed and I turned off my head when I started seeing Mary Cassidy in my mind. It didn't take long. And the landlady was right. I fell asleep in a hurry.
Chapter 13
The next day we started getting ready for our first game. Binks didn't bring the letter to the field. But it didn't seem to matter. I was thinking about Mary again. I thought I would call her when the team returned from our first game against Decatur. We rode the bus to Decatur. I ate a steak dinner and went back to the hotel. It was kind of a flea bag. Everybody was nervous, walking up and down the hall. I was rooming with Klobuchar. He didn't seem nervous. He went to bed early. I sat up reading, but he wasn't asleep very long and he started talking in his sleep, something about the mine caving in and then he started shouting: 'Everybody out! Everybody! Out!' I couldn't take it. I got up and shook him and he woke and sat bolt-upright in bed.
'What the hell you dreaming about?' I asked him.
'I was back in Ely,' he said. 'And the whole town was falling into the iron ore pit. United Steel had dug under the town.'
'Go to sleep.'
'That's what I'm trying to do.'
'Try a little more.'
'Shut up,' he said and pulled the covers over his head.
