Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret

anything. The lady from the kitchen wiped it up.

During dessert my mother explained to my grandparents that she had just ordered all new living room furniture and she was sorry they wouldn't be able to see it. I knew she hadn't ordered anything yet, but I didn't tell.

After dinner we sat around in the den and my grandfather asked my father such questions as:

Grandfather: 'Are you still in the insurance business?'

Father: 'Yes.'

Grandfather: 'Do you invest in the stock market?'

Father: 'Occasionally.'

Grandfather: 'This is a pretty nice house.'

Father: 'Thank you. We think so too.'

While my grandmother talked to my mother about:

Grandmother: 'We were in California over Thanksgiving.'

Mother: 'Oh?'

Grandmother: 'Yes, your brother has a wonderful wife.'

Mother: 'I'm glad.'

Grandmother: 'If only they were blessed with a child. You know, they're thinking of adopting.'

Mother: 'I hope they do. Everyone should have a child to love.'

Grandmother: 'Yes, I know… I've always wanted dozens of grandchildren, but Margaret's all I've got.'

Then my mother excused herself to pay the lady in the kitchen, who signaled that her taxi was waiting out front. So my grandmother turned to me.

'Do you like school?' she asked.

'Most of the time,' I said.

'Do you get good marks?'

'Pretty good,' I said.

'How do you do in Sunday school?'

My mother came back into the den then and sat down next to me.

'I don't go to Sunday school,' I said.

'You don't?'

'No.'

'Father… (That's what Grandmother called Grandfather. He called her 'Mother.')

'What is it, Mother?' Grandfather said.

'Margaret doesn't go to Sunday school.' Grandmother shook her head and played with her cross.

'Look,' my mother said, trying a smile. 'You know we don't practice any religion.'

Here it comes, I thought. I wanted to leave the room then but I felt like I was glued to my seat.

'We hoped by now you'd changed your minds about religion,' Grandfather said.

'Especially for Margaret's sake,' Grandmother added. 'A person's got to have religion.'

'Let's not get into a philosophical discussion,' my father said, annoyed. He sent my mother a warning look across the room.

Grandfather laughed. 'I'm not being a philosopher, Herb.'

'Look,' my mother explained, 'we're letting Margaret choose her own religion when she's grown.'

'If she wants to!' my father said, defiantly.

'Nonsense!' Grandmother said. 'A person doesn't choose religion.'

'A person's born to it!' Grandfather boomed.

Grandmother smiled at last and gave a small laugh. 'So Margaret is Christian!' she announced, like we all should have known.

'Please… ' my mother said. 'Margaret could just as easily be Jewish. Don't you see-if you keep this up you're going to spoil everything.'

'I don't mean to upset you, dear,' Grandmother told my mother. 'But a child is always the religion of the mother. And you, Barbara, were born Christian. You were baptized. It's that simple.'

'Margaret is nothing!' my father stormed. 'And I'll thank you for ending this discussion right now.'

I didn't want to listen anymore. How could they talk that way in front of me! Didn't they know I was a real person-with feelings of my own!

'Margaret,' Grandmother said, touching my sleeve. 'It's not too late for you, dear. You're still God's child. Maybe while I'm visiting I could take you to church and talk to the minister. He might be able to straighten things out.'

'Stop it!' I hollered, jumping up. 'All of you! Just stop it! I can't stand another minute of listening to you. Who needs religion? Who! Not me… I don't need it. I don't even need God!' I ran out of the den and up to my room.

I heard my mother say, 'Why did you have to start? Now you've ruined everything!'

I was never going to talk to God again. What did he want from me anyway? I was through with him and his religions! And I was never going to set foot in the Y or the Jewish Community Center- never.

22

The next morning I stayed in my room. I wouldn't even go down for breakfast. I caught myself starting to say, Are you there God, but then I remembered that I wasn't talking to him anymore. I wondered if he would strike me down. Well, if he wanted to, that was his business!

By afternoon I couldn't stand being in the house, so I asked my mother to drive me downtown to meet Janie for a movie. My mother agreed that I needed to get away for a few hours. Janie and I met at the drugstore on the corner, across the street from the movie theater. We were twenty minutes early so we went into the drugstore to look around. Mostly we liked to inspect the sanitary napkin display.

After a few minutes of looking, I whispered to Janie, 'Let's buy a box.' It was something I'd thought about for a while, but wasn't ever brave enough to do. Today I was feeling brave. I thought, so what if God's mad at me. Who cares? I even tested him by crossing the street in the middle and against the light. Nothing happened.

'Buy it for what?' Janie asked.

'Just in case,' I told her.

'You mean to keep at home?'

'Sure. Why not?'

'I don't know. My mother might not like it,' Janie said.

'So don't tell her.'

'But what if she sees it?'

'It'll be in a bag. You can say it's school supplies,' I said. 'Do you have enough money?'

'Yes.'

'Okay. Now, what kind should we buy?' I asked.

'How about Teenage Softies?' Janie said. 'That's the kind Gretchen uses.'

'Okay.' I took a box of Teenage Softies off the shelf. 'Well, go ahead,' I said to Janie. 'Take yours.'

'Okay, okay.' Janie took a box too.

'We need a belt to go with it,' I said, getting braver by the minute.

'You're right. Which kind?' Janie asked.