she felt she had to do this one last time.
'Goodbye, son.'
Her words echoed in the silence around her and, turning slowly, she walked away. Outside, she stopped. She looked at the farm one last time and, as she went back towards the house, she heard the familiar sounds of rural life.
She was going back to the sunshine, to her art classes, and to her bookclub. She was going back to her new life, without the violence and the feeling of dread that accompanied her old one. She knew suddenly, without a moment's doubt, that she would never come back to England again – not even her grandchild would be enough to bring her back to this place, and the memories it held.
She got to the car and, seeing Phillip watching her, she raised her hand in what they both understood was a final gesture of farewell. Then, getting into the passenger seat, she sat quietly as Breda drove her away from her old life, and towards her new one. As the gates of the farm closed behind them, she felt a huge sense of relief overwhelm her. The sun was coming through the clouds, and the rain had finally stopped.
She would never be happy, not like other people were happy. Too much had happened, and it would always be there in the back of her mind. She still woke up in a cold sweat remembering her life, and what it had finally become. But she knew that she was slowly but surely finding a measure of peace inside herself and, after living like she had for so many years, on her nerves, and with a bottle or a pill, that was a start.
She had wanted a family, to be a part of a family, so badly, she had sold her soul for the privilege. Well, now her family was decimated, and she was the reason for it. But for the first time since Timmy's demise, she felt a faint glimmer of hope for the future and, as they drove through the rolling countryside, she felt her heart becoming lighter. Felt the dread seeping from her bones. It was ironic really, and the thought brought her up with a jolt. She knew she had to leave her family – what was left of it anyway – behind her, even her brand-new grandson, if she was to finally have some kind of stab at a real life.
She closed her eyes. She would be home in a few hours, the sun would be shining and the villa would be waiting for her. There would be no Phillip, no violence, and no fear.
And all of this, she knew, would finally seem a long way away.
Martina Cole
