Dhalgren

Kamp laughed, and picked up his beer. 'Come on, since we're trying so hard to be honest: What reason could you possibly have for liking me?'

'Because even though you're a public person — and public people are great if you happen to be the public — some of the private 'you' gets through. I think you're very proud of the things you've done, and you're modest about them, and don't want to talk about them unless it's serious — even joking serious. To protect that modesty, I think you've had to do some things that haven't made you all that happy.'

Measuredly, Kamp said, 'Yes. But what do you get by telling me that?'

'Because I like you, I want you to trust me a little. If I can show you I understand something about you, perhaps you will.'

'Ah, ha!' Kamp drew back, ineptly mocking something theatrical. 'Just for argument now: Supposing you do know something about me, how do I know you won't use it against me?'

Kid looked down at the optical jewels on his wrist, turned his wrist: two veins joined beneath the ham of his thumb to run under the chain. 'That's the third time somebody's asked me that. I guess I'll have to think of a public answer.'

Tak was talking with someone by the door: Unshaven, and a little wild looking, Jack stepped in. Tak turned to the young deserter, who looked around, looked at Captain Kamp. Tak nodded in corroboration to something. Jack turned, picked up something that could have been a gun leaning against the wall, and practically ran out of the bar.

'I think I've figured out an answer already.' Kid said.

Captain Kamp said, '…mmmm,' and then, 'so did I.'

Kid grinned. 'Good.'

'You know—' Kamp looked down at the counter—'there are some things I'm not happy about. But now, they're just the things a guy would be reluctant to tell, ordinarily, to… well, one of you fellows with the shaggy hair, the funny clothes, and the beads and things. Or chains…' He looked up. 'I am dissatisfied with my life and my work. It's a very subtle dissatisfaction, and I don't want to be told to take dope and let my hair grow. I mean that's just the last thing I want to hear.'

'Why don't you take dope and let your hair grow? See, it wasn't that bad. Now that the worst has happened, maybe you can go on and talk about it. I'll just listen.'

Kamp laughed. 'I'm dissatisfied with my life on earth. How's that? Not clear, I guess. Look — I'm not the same person I was before I went to the moon — maybe this is the sort of thing you were asking about. Perhaps it's the sort of thing that should only be told to one person. But I've told a couple of dozen: You know the world is round, and that the moon is a small world circling it. But you live in a world of up and down, where the land is a surface. But for me, just the visual continuity from that flat surface to a height where the edge of the earth develops a curve, to where that curve is a complete circle, to where the little soap-colored circle hanging in front of you enlarges to the size the Earth was, and then you come down. And suddenly that circle is a surface — but up and down is already not quite the same thing. We danced when we got out on the moon. What else could we do with that lightness? You know, seeing a film backward isn't the same experience as seeing it forward in reverse. It's a new experience, still happening forward in time. What falls out is all its own. Returning from the moon was not the same as going, played backward. We arrived at a place where no one had walked; we left a place where we had danced. The earth we left was peopled by a race that had never sent emissaries to another cosmological body. We returned to a people who had. I really feel that what we did was important — folks starving in India not withstanding; and if there's a real threat of world starvation, technology will have to be used to avoid it; and I can't think of a better way to let people know just how far technology can take us. I was at a point of focus, for six and a half hours. I'm happy with that focus. But I'm not too terribly satisfied with the life on either side. The things that are off are like the things off about the way Bellona looked when we were driving through the first day I got here: there aren't many people, but there's no overt signs of major destruction — at least I didn't see any. It's grey, and some windows are broken, and here and there are marks of fire. But, frankly, I can't tell what's wrong. I still haven't been able to figure out what's happened here.'

'I'd like to go to the moon.'

'Cut your hair and stop taking dope.' Kamp's tongue bulged his upper lip. 'You don't even have to join the services. We have civilians in the program. Worst thing I could say, huh? But it really is the basic requirement. I mean all the rest comes after that. Really.'

He thinks, Kid thought, he may have offended me. Kid tried not to smile.

'You're frowning,' Kamp said, 'Come on, now. Turnabout's fair play… well, all right. Tell me this. Are you all that happy? Be honest now.'

Tak was ambling, slow and aimless, across the room.

'I think,' and Kid felt his feelings change to fit the frown, 'there's something wrong with your question, you know? I spend a lot of time happy; I spend a lot of time unhappy; I spend a lot of time just bored. Maybe if I worked real hard at it, I could avoid some of the happiness, but I doubt it. The other two I know I'm stuck with…'

Kamp was brightly attentive to something not more than a degree or so outside of Kid's face. Well, Kid reflected, I said I'd listen. When Kid had been silent five seconds, Kamp said:

'I'm not the same person I was before I went to the moon. Several people have explained to me that nobody else on Earth is either. Someone told me once that I have, begun to heal the great wound inflicted on the human soul by Galileo when he let slip the Earth was not the center of the Universe. No, I am not really satisfied now. I wonder at that light in the sky, this afternoon. I wonder at the stories I've heard about two moons when I know, first hand, what I do about the one. But I observe it from a very different position than you. We could sit and discuss and have conferences and seminars until a much more reassuring sun came up, and I still doubt if I could say anything meaningful to you, or you could say anything meaningful to me. At least about that.'

'Hey, there.' Tak put his hand on Kid's shoulder — but was talking to Kamp: 'That was my friend Jack. You know, we have a good number of army deserters with us. I told him we had a full-fledged Captain with us this evening. He wanted to know whether you were a deserter too. I told him that as far as I knew you were still a member in good standing. I'm afraid he just turned around and ran without even waiting to find out you were in the Navy. Are you on your way, Captain?'

Kamp nodded, raised his bottle. 'Glad I got a chance to meet you, Kid. If I don't see you before, I'll catch you at Roger's.' Again he nodded at Tak, and turned.

'I hope I make him as uncomfortable as he keeps pretending I do.' Tak sucked his teeth. 'Wish he'd come in uniform. Before I went on to more complicated pleasures, I used to have a real passion for sea-food.'

'You're flattering yourself.'

Tak gave a few small nods. 'Possibly, very possibly. Hey, I'm sorry I kicked you out last night. Come home with me. Fuck me.'

'Naw. I'm looking for Lanya.'

Tak enfolded his beer with his big, pale hands and looked down the bottle mouth. 'Oh.' Then he said: 'Then come with me somewhere else. I want to show you something. You probably want to see it, too.'

'What is it?'

'On the other hand, maybe you have seen it already and you're not interested.'

'But you're not going to tell me what it is?'

'Nope.'

'Come on,' Kid said. 'Show me.'

Tak clapped Kid's shoulder, then pushed away from the bar. 'Let's go.'

Between the buildings black bulged down like a tarpaulin filled with rain.

'This is the sort of night I'd give anything for a star. When I was younger I used to try to learn the constellations, but I never really got them down. I can find the Big Dipper.' Tak opened his zipper. 'Can you do that?'

'I know them pretty well now. But I learned them a few years ago, back when I was traveling, and on boats and stuff. There're the only things that stay the same when you're really moving around a lot. I picked up this pocket book for fifty cents, when I was in Japan — it was an American book though. In about two weeks I could pick out just about anything.'

'Mmmmm.' Tak glanced up as they neared the corner lamp. 'Just as well we can't