Dhalgren

But sometimes I think these people will distort reality in any way to make me one. And sometimes I think reality will distort me any way to make me appear one — but that's insanity, isn't it? And I don't want to be crazy again. I don't

fucker away! You hear me? Throw that fucker away — break it on something, nigger, or I'll break your black head!' He smashed the stock on a stone, 'Yeah!' grunting, and twisted up the firing chamber so it was pretty much beyond use. I said: 'That's no scorpion weapon! A scorpion's got a fucking sting!' and lifted up my orchid. They liked that.) just like John and saying, 'Man, you're something else!'

'I should have taken their fucking carton.'

'Yeah,' Lady of Spain said. 'Yeah. That's what we should have done.'

Tarzan said: 'Yeah. That would have been all right. They wouldn't have minded.'

'You're too much,' Priest said again, and Cathedral laughed and shook my shoulder.

They kept it up all the way into the nest. Tarzan and Priest came in with me. Cathedral, Lady of Spain, and Angel got stopped outside where they began to tell the story. Well, I guess that was all right. There were enough people around drunk — a bunch of nonmembers who were apparently friends of Devastation or something, I didn't care — to absorb it.

I was going down the hall when Denny swung out of the living room and grabbed my arm. 'Hey—!' He was really excited.

I thought he was going to say something about what happened in the park. 'Hey what?'

He just blinked.

So I started down the hall again.

He followed and said, 'Lanya's in the room, in the loft but—' I looked like I was about to go in—'I think she's busy.'

So I stopped.

Denny said: 'You probably shouldn't go in.'

'What's she doing?'

'Balling.'

'Here?' I said, not that loudly. Beside being surprised, I remember I thought it was not very cool for someone as down as she was on the gang-bang bit (but basically pretty together when it came to keeping her thing in front of assaulting-type male personalities) to be making it with one of the guys from the nest in my loft.

Somebody was coming up the hall from the john.

'Come on,' I said to Denny. We went out on the service porch. 'Who's she fucking?' I knew the answer was going to be a surprise; and also that there were six-no, five guys I would particularly not like it to be: Spitt, Copperhead, Thruppence, Jack the Ripper, or Fireball; because they were all the sort who, through malice or ignorance, might try to make it into something unpleasant.

'Some guy I picked up downtown.'

I was surprised. ' — you picked up?' I hadn't expected to be relieved, though. 'You balled him too?'

'Naw. Naw, it was her idea.'

'This sounds very familiar,' I said. 'What do you mean, her idea?'

'She asked me to go out and find somebody who wanted to fuck her for money… for five dollars.'

'Whose five dollars?' I asked. 'His or hers?'

Tarzan and D-t came up the steps and through the porch door, Tarzan to listen, D-t to wait for Tarzan to finish listening.

'It's hers now.' Denny grinned, 'She said she was listening to us talk about hustling, I guess, a lot, and I guess she was curious. Christ, was it hard to find someone with any money at—'

'We didn't talk about hustling a lot.'

'Didn't stop her from listening. She told me she was curious. She said she wanted to try it.'

'Yeah, yeah. Sure.' I cuffed his shoulder. 'I just want to know why you're not in there doing your thing.'

'Shit.' Denny scowled. 'The guy's a creep. He didn't seem so bad when I met him. But he's a creep, you know?'

'Jesus Christ.' Tarzan leaned against the sill of the screenless window frame. 'You let your old lady…?' and stopped; probably because of the way I looked at him.

I said: 'Let her what?'

'You know, mess around with… well… you know.'

'Tarzan,' I said, 'if my old lady wants to fuck a sheep with a dildo strapped to her nose, that is largely her concern, very secondarily mine, and not yours at all. She can fuck anything she wants — with the possible exception of you. That, I think, would turn my stomach. Yes, that, I think, I would not be able to

I took the orchid from the chain around my neck, I raised my hand and slipped it into the harness, and the sky darkened outside the windows, the sky roared outside the window screens, and I snapped the collar on my wrist, and the light split in two, each arm growing, ragged-rimmed, with magnesium bright edges, arching the sky, and I swung my hand up at Tarzan's chest.

take. I'm going to kill you.' On my hand — it swung up at Tarzan's chest — was the orchid. 'That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to play tic-tac-toe on your face, and then I'm—'

'Hey…' Tarzan whispered, 'you're crazy…!' looking very scared, looking at Denny, then D-t; but they had stepped away, and he looked scareder.

'Yeah?' I nodded. 'You didn't know I was crazy?'

I held the clutch of blade-points right in front of his left tit. While everybody held their breath, I thought: It would be easier here than any place else. Then I said: 'Aw, shit! Run, motherfucker!'

Tarzan looked confused.

I dropped my hand. 'I want to see you run! And that's the last I want to see of you till after the sun comes up tomorrow. Otherwise, I will beat the shit out of you, carry your broken, bleeding, and unconscious body back to your mother's and father's door sill, apartment nineteen-A, and leave you there!'

'They don't live in…' Then his mind clicked back to where he was; he sighed — I guess it was a sigh — and lunged for the door. He collided with a pigeon-chested man in the bluest shirt I've ever seen ('Hey, watch it! You okay…?') and fled down the hall.

The man looked confused too.

Not that his hair was long; but for the type of person he was, your first thought would naturally be: He needs a haircut 'She said,' he said, 'I should go out this way…?'

'Okay,' Denny said. 'There's the door.'

Dragon Lady had come up the steps and was standing outside it, watching.

'I gave her the money. Hey, thanks a lot. That was really nice. Maybe I'll be back.' He looked at me, then looked just a little more confused.

Dragon Lady opened the door for him and he hurried down into the yard. She looked after him, then let the door close, but stood outside on the top step. I looked at the orchid.

It isn't despair. That vanishes with enough laughter and reason. I have both of those a-plenty. I guess most people, when all is said and done, lead lives as interesting as they can possibly bare. But I don't remember putting it on. I don't.

I don't remember putting it on.

I took it off.

'You like him,' I asked, 'D-t?'