'At this moment I think I'd kill if I thought you used it with anyone but me.'
'Please.'
'Have you? Do you?'
'You're asking me if I just like to sleep around occasionally, aren't you?' said Khalehla calmly, removing her arms from him.
'That's pretty rough. No, of course not.'
'Since we're talking and I've been doing a lot of thinking, let's tackle this. I've had attachments, as you've had, and I've called several “darling”, even “dearest”, I suppose, but if you want to know the truth, you insufferable egotist, I've never called anyone “my darling”. Does that answer your question, you rat?'
'It'll do,' said Evan, grinning and reaching for her.
'No, please, Evan. Talking is safer.'
'I thought you just gave me an order to kiss you. What changed?'
'You had to talk and I had to start thinking again… And I don't think I'm ready for you.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm a professional and I have work to do and if I'm screwed up with you—figuratively and literally—I can't do it.'
'Again, why not?'
'Because, you idiot, I'm very close to being in love with you.'
That's all I'm asking for. Because I do love you.'
'Oh, those words are so easy, so facile. But not in my business, not in the world I live in. The word comes down: Have so-and-so killed, or let him be killed—whichever it is, it solves a multitude of problems… And what happens if it turns out to be you… my darling. Could you do it if you were me?'
'Could it really ever come down to that?'
'It has; it might. It's called third-party omission, as in what do I know—but they know what I'll permit. You see, you're one human being—terrific or despicable, depending on the point of view—and by giving you away we might save two hundred or four hundred people on a plane because “they” couldn't get you unless we gave you away before a flight… Oh, my little world is filled with benignly neglected morality because all we deal with is malignant immorality.'
'Why stay in it? Why not get out?'
Khalehla paused, looking at him, her eyes unwavering.
'Because we save lives,' she answered finally. 'And every now and then something happens that reduces the malignancy, showing it for what it is, and peace is just a little closer. More often than not we've been a part of that process.'
'You've got to have a life beyond that, a life of your own.'
'Oh, I will one day, because one day I won't be useful any more, at least not where I want to be. I'll be a known commodity—first you're suspected, then you're exposed and then you're useless, and that's when you'd better get out of town. My superiors will try to persuade me I can be valuable in other posts; they'll dangle the bait of a pension in front of me and a nice choice of sectors, but I don't think I'll bite.'
'According to that scenario, what will you do?'
'Good Lord, I speak six languages fluently and read and write four. Coupled with my background, I'd say my qualifications are ample for any number of jobs.'
'That sounds reasonable except for one thing. There's a missing ingredient.'
'What are you talking about?'
'Me… That's what I'm talking about.'
'Oh, come on, Evan.'
'No,' said Kendrick, shaking his head. 'No more “Oh, come on” or “Please, Evan.” I won't settle for that. I know what I feel and I think I know what you feel and to disregard those feelings is both stupid and a waste.'
