whoever the father of the tuxedo might have been, he should have been neutered as a child. The tuxedo is as dumb an item as exists on the planet.
Actually, maybe the invention was a joint effort; maybe it was idiocy by committee. One dope created the bow tie, another the suspenders, another the iridescent shoes, and still another the ridiculous cummerbund.
As bad as each item is, when they are put together, especially on my body, they reach a perfect symmetry of awfulness. If you put me in Giants Stadium with sixty thousand men wearing tuxedos, I would still feel as though everybody were staring at me. I don’t just
I go outside at 6:55 to wait for Vince to arrive, and he is characteristically late. That leaves me standing, penguin style, in front of the house, waving to smiling neighbors dressed in normal clothing.
Vince finally arrives, and I get in the car. He is dressed in khaki pants and a sports jacket with a shirt open at the neck.
“Well, don’t you look snappy!” he says.
I’m about to take my cummerbund off and strangle him with it. “You told me to wear a tuxedo.”
He laughs. “I was kidding. It’s a casino night. Where do you think we’re going, Monte Carlo?”
“So nobody else is going to be dressed like this?” I ask.
Another laugh. “You got that right.”
I tell Vince to wait, and I go back into the house. Within ten minutes I’m dressed like a normal human being and back in the car. “That was your idea of a joke?” I ask.
“No, the way you looked in that monkey suit is my idea of a joke.”
I’m so pissed at Vince that I don’t talk to him for the twenty-minute ride to our destination. He spends most of the time whistling and listening to the Mets game; I don’t think my silent treatment is bringing him to his knees.
The charity event is being held at a ballroom called the Fiesta, on Route 17 in Hasbrouck Heights. Vince parks in the general parking area rather than using the valet service, explaining that with the valet it will take too long to get out. The true reason is that this way there will be no one for him to have to tip.
We walk into the lobby, where we are required to pay for entry and to buy chips. It costs me five hundred dollars, plus another five hundred for Vince, who seems to have forgotten where his checkbook might be. Vince tells me that it’s tax deductible, as if I should be grateful for the opportunity he’s giving me.
Once I’ve paid we enter the ballroom, which is already quite crowded. There are bars in all four corners of the room, and blackjack, roulette, and craps tables are set up throughout. The only people wearing tuxedos are the dealers.
Casino nights are among the more ridiculous inventions of modern man. The chips we have purchased are merely props that give us something to gamble with; they are not worth any money. The only problem is that gambling is one hundred percent about money; it is essential to the process.
I glance over at a blackjack table where a woman is agonizing over whether to double down with eleven against a dealer showing nine. She just can’t decide whether she wants to risk five worthless chips or ten worthless chips. Her children’s college education might well be on the line.
Gambling without money is like playing baseball without a bat and a ball. It’s goofy. Yet everywhere I look, people are laughing and having fun. What kind of a world is this? Why can’t these people spend their time doing something productive, something worthwhile?
They need only look at me to follow my example. I am here to meet with the leading crime figure in New Jersey, to find out if he is trying to kill me. My mother would be proud.
“Where’s Petrone?” I ask Vince.
“How the hell should I know?”
“You said he’d be here and that he would talk to me.”
“And he will. Just relax; play some blackjack.”
I hold up the chips with disdain. “With these?”
“I’ll take them,” he says, and goes off to play with both his chips and mine.
“I’ll be at the bar,” I say, and that’s exactly where I head.
I’m on my third Bloody Mary when two men, each ten years younger, four inches taller, and forty pounds heavier than me, walk over. Their very presence is menacing to me, and I instantly wish I were at one of the tables playing fake blackjack.
“This way,” one of them says, and they start walking toward the back exit door. My mind decides to follow them, but my legs don’t seem to be impressed, and I just stand there without moving.
The two men are out the door before they realize I’m not behind them, and they come back. “You coming, or what?”
I nod, and with an enormous effort, I actually start moving. I follow them out the door and down a corridor. They stop, and one of the men frisks me to make sure I’m not armed or wearing a wire.
I’m not a big frisking fan, whether I’m the frisker or the friskee. I prefer the honor system, but these two guys don’t seem familiar with that system. They probably didn’t go to West Point.
Satisfied that I’m not carrying an M-16 in my pocket, they then open a door and stand by it, waiting for me to enter. I do so, and they follow me in.
Petrone sits in an armchair, watching the Mets game on a large-screen television. It appears that we are in some kind of reception area where pictures are taken of wedding couples or Bar Mitzvah boys who have their parties in this facility.
Both men take positions, standing with their backs to the walls. “What’s the score?” I ask.
Petrone doesn’t answer or even acknowledge my presence. It’s not until the end of the inning leads to a commercial that he looks at me. “I understand you want to talk to me,” he says. “You have three minutes.”
I nod; right now three minutes feels like two too many. “I am representing Richard Evans. He did not murder his fiancee.”
Petrone doesn’t say a word, just waits for me to continue.
“I need to find out what really happened, and I think the truth is tied into his job with U.S. Customs.”
Still no response, which is not unreasonable, since I haven’t asked a question.
“I’ve been followed, shot at, and had my phone tapped, and I have reason to believe that you know a great deal about what is going on, and why.”
Still no response; he just stares at me. I don’t think it’s with admiration.
“You can jump in whenever you want,” I say.
“I have not ordered that you be killed; it is not something that interests me either way,” he says. “That is why you are still alive. But you have the potential to interfere with something that does interest me, and you would be well advised to be very careful.”
“So you didn’t have me shot at on the turnpike?”
He doesn’t respond, and I assume it’s because he’s already answered the question by saying he didn’t order me killed. Instead he looks at his watch. “Thirty seconds.”
“Okay. I have no desire to interfere in your activities; all I want to do is get an innocent man out of jail. But to help me in my noninterference, can you tell me anything about the night of the murder?”
He thinks for a few moments, as if measuring his response. “You lawyers have a tendency to go from A to B to C to D. Sometimes A doesn’t lead to D. Sometimes they are on two entirely different roads.”
“That might be a little cryptic for me,” I say. “Can I assume you have no interest in the Evans case? Is that what you’re telling me?”
“That is what I’m telling you. But I am also telling you to be very careful.”
He turns back to the game, thus announcing that my presence is no longer welcome. I turn and leave, and the two men follow me until I’m back in the main casino room.
I spot Vince at a craps table, his arm around the woman standing next to him. There is a large pile of chips in front of them. “Okay,” I say. “I spoke to him. Let’s get out of here.”
He turns and looks at me, then at the woman he has his arm around, then back at me. Finally he picks up one of his chips and hands it to me. “Here, kid. Get yourself a cab.”
* * * * *
