“I own a research company. We do product testin’.”
“That sounds fascinating! What are you working on right now?”
“You ever see those moist tissue wipes in the toilet paper aisle?”
Gwen says, “We use those! Don’t we, Lucky?”
“We do for a fact.”
“Did you test those?”
Hampton says, “Depends on the brand you’re usin’. We tested Beau Fresh. Thanks to my company, Beau Fresh can advertise ‘Thirty-eight percent cleaner than regular toilet paper.’”
Gwen says, “Someone actually tests that sort of thing?”
“It’s very scientific,” Hampton says. Then he looks around the room and lowers his voice. “But I’ll let you in on a little secret, if you promise not to tell.”
Gwen doesn’t know what to say, so she just sits there with a fake smile frozen on her face.
Hampton says, “They paid me to test a hundred samples from a hundred people over a thirty-day period. But me and four employees did all the shittin’ in one day! You got any idea how much profit that is?”
Gwen’s reeling. She needs a lifeline. Lucky throws her one.
“Hampton’s a helluva businessman, isn’t he!”
“It’s a truly remarkable story,” Gwen agrees.
Lucky and Gwen work well together. By nine a.m., Hampton’s trying to talk Lucky into giving him a hundred- thousand dollar share for eighty-eight grand.
“H is the eighth letter of the alphabet,” Hampton says. “Eighty-eight thousand would be a double H.”
Lucky’s ready for him. “If you write out a check for $88,000.00, that’s only seven digits. $100,000.00 is eight digits.”
Hampton counts it out and frowns.
“You can do it,” Gwen urges.
He looks at her. “I’ll kick in the extra twelve if you let me squeeze them titties one time.”
Gwen looks at Lucky with trepidation.
Lucky pauses a moment, then says…“Be gentle.”
The effect those two words have on Gwen is almost more than I can bear. The spark of magic I’d seen in her eyes quickly drains away, along with whatever youthful innocence she may have clung to before he uttered them. In the space of two words, Lucky Peters killed something inside his wife, something I believe was special and sacred. I hate him for doing it, and for making me watch.
Hampton writes the check and hands it to Lucky. Then starts reaching his hands toward Gwen’s boobs. She closes her eyes, bites the corner of her lower lip, trying not to cringe.
But Hampton doesn’t get titty at this time.
In fact, he’s already forgotten about Gwen’s boobs because I’ve got him by the throat. I lift him from his chair and drag him out the door and shove him into my car. He’s trying to talk, but nothing comes out until I release my grip on his windpipe. But now all that’s coming out is a raspy sound. While he’s trying to speak, I remove his wallet and read his address out loud, memorizing it. I glance in the window of the restaurant and see Lucky and Gwen trying to calm down the cashier. I watch a minute, to make sure she’s not calling the cops. Then say, “Do you have a wooden banister at home?”
“Wh-what?”
“A wooden banister. A railing.”
“Y-yes. On the st-steps.”
“Hampton, look at me.” When he does, I say, “Do yourself a favor, okay?”
He nods.
“Cooperate.”
“I w-will.”
“I know you’re going to feel a lot braver after I let you go. I won’t seem so scary an hour from now, and it’s human nature for you to want to lash out at someone. You’ll probably go to the cops.”
“N-no. N-never.”
I take a rag from the glove compartment and tie it around his head to make a blindfold.
“If you do decide to call the cops, I’ll hunt you down and nail your nuts to the banister. Wait. You probably don’t believe me.”
“I d-do.”
“No you don’t. Because people say things like that all the time, but they don’t mean them. The funny thing is, you’re going to assume I’m like everyone else. And when I leave you standing on tiptoes with your hands tied behind your back and your nuts nailed to the banister you’re going to think about how you should’ve believed me. Within minutes your knees are going to start shaking. When you try to stand flat-footed, you’ll find the only way to accomplish that is to tear your ball sack. You’ll put it off as long as possible, which in my experience is two hours, max. Eventually you’ll do what they all do.”
