was gone, that I was trapped in the tower again. But it was just night, just Gal prodding me awake. I eased away from Saren, lifting her arm from mine so she wouldn't wake, and sat up.
'I hear you humming at me sometimes,' Gal said. 'I run away from it because I haven't wanted to be anything but sad. But...' Gal's chin trembled, and she rubbed viciously at her face with the backs of her hands.
'Easy, Gal.'
'I just don't know,' her voice was a grating whisper, 'don't know if my family's dead, don't know if they'll ever come for me....'
'And you can't let yourself give up hoping,' I said, 'not until you're sure either way.'
'But the hoping, that's what really hurts.'
I reached for her and she shoved me off, then just as suddenly changed her mind and leaned into me, as if she'd never been hugged in her life and didn't know how to hug back.
I rocked her as we sat there, in the greasy dark of the kitchen, snores bumping around us. I sang the song for bitter sorrow, 'Darker river, blacker river, faster river, pulling me.' She cried, softly at first, then harder, and then calmed, her head resting on my lap. She's sleeping like a newborn now.
It's funny, I don't feel tired at all. So I sit here and wish and wish that I could find the song that would heal my own lady.
Day 88
I'm hiding in the cheese closet and hating the close walls and dim light, and if Cook finds me I'll be out on my hide, but I must write this. Shria, the white-haired woman who first gave us work in the khan's house, came into the kitchens today. She said the khan had requested a mucker who knew the healing songs to attend to him, and Cook said, 'Qacha, you're a mucker, aren't you?'
'Yes, but so's Dashti, and she's a better singer than I am, by leagues.'
'Dashti would be best,' said Gal, acting bold and pushing me right up to Shria. And she smiled like I didn't know she could. In the way that the sun's so bright in the city after the rain wipes the smoke from the air, that was Gal's face after crying all night. 'Whatever ails the khan, Dashti will fix him right.'
I stammered and looked at my lady, who offered no help.
And so Shria will come for me tomorrow. She'll take me to my lady's khan. I don't know what to think. I cannot think.
Day 89
All morning, my heart never let me forget what was to come.
Thump-thump, thump-thump, it tapped at me. I didn't know when Shria would appear, so I stayed startled and alert all day. It reminded me of summers as a child before my brothers left, when our family set up our gher in the summer pastures and there were loads of children around. The Hunt, we'd play, some of us being animals hiding in the tall grass, the others searching us out with small bows and blunt arrows. How my heart would pound! I waited, crouched, prayed to Carthen, goddess of strength, and wanted to cry for the thrill and the terror. That's how I felt today.
I was up to my shoulders scrubbing a pot when white-haired Shria was suddenly before me.
.
'You're the mucker girl?'
Thank the Ancestors that I didn't actually scream, though the sound felt as real in my mouth as a bite of potato.
'Come with me, but wash first. You smell like grease and smoke.'
She watched me as I scrubbed my arms and face, as if to make sure I did it properly. I asked to bring Saren with me. My thought was if her khan saw her, he'd sweep her back into his love and the life of gentry, and all would be put to right. But Shria didn't even bother to say no as she walked away. I pled with my lady not to scream and to let Qacha take care of her, then I ran after the woman.
Shria led me down a lush corridor, through two chambers, and into a small, dark room with a low ceiling like that in a gher. My lady's khan sat cross-legged on the floor, leaning forward to speak with two other men, and Shria and I stood quietly, waiting to be acknowledged. I was glad she was there. I've spent so long alone with Saren, I'd nearly forgotten that on entering the presence of gentry, I must keep quiet until he acknowledged me, or until I died, whichever came first. Just then, I was relieved to stand still. My feet were wood planks, my back a brick wall. My heart was so loud in thumping I waited for Shria to scowl at me for being noisy.
You're a mucker, I reminded myself. You're not pretending to be Lady Saren and you're not trapped in a tower.
You're just a mucker and a scrubber. You can be who you are just fine.
After a time, I found it interesting to watch her khan like that, my eyes free to rove over him. I could understand why my lady chose him. He must've been a fine boy, lean and strong, and now he had the bearing of a warrior. He also looked intelligent. Or at least there was humor in his eyes, which to my mind makes a person wiser.
And I already know he can laugh.
Finally her khan looked up. Right at me. I think I might've gasped.
'Shria, is this the mucker girl? What's your name?'
'Dashti, my lord,' I said, wondering if he'd ever known the name of Lady Saren's maid, but his eyes showed no recognition.
He dismissed Shria and sat on a low couch, continuing to address the two men. 'Years ago, I met a mucker from Titor's Garden. She sang to me a healing song, made this old pain in my leg dissolve.'
