I guess. I should say that I'm just plain afraid. I've got to do something and I don't know if I can.
Day 164
Or is it still yesterday? I write by firelight. I write because I want these ink strokes to give me courage, as I seem to be lacking it. My veins feel dry and dusty of blood. Not much of a mucker, am I, to be so terrified? I've tried laughing at myself, but it hasn't helped yet.
An hour ago, I went in search of Batu, the war chief. I woke Shria, and she told me where to find his room. She thinks me gentry, she'll do what I ask. What an unhappy laugh that gives me.
Batu didn't seem surprised to see me at his door in the middle of the night. He stepped into the hall so neither of us would invoke the bad luck of the threshold.
'Did you promise the khan anything regarding me?' I asked before revealing my plan. 'No, I didn't.'
'Then I'll tell you that I'm going down to Lord Khasar. I've been praying to Under all night. He hasn't answered me, but when does the god of tricks offer signs to his petitioners?'
'Indeed.'
I cleared my throat. My voice was sounding an awful lot like a rat's squeak, and I've had enough of that noise for a lifetime. 'I'm going of my own will, as Lady Saren. Would it be against your oath to Khan Tegus to help me?'
Batu frowned at me a good long while. Then he shook his head. 'No, it would not. But what do you plan to do?'
'Get close enough to Khasar to sing. A song can't force Khasar to do anything, but if I sing to the wolf inside him, maybe the wolf will choose to come out.'
'And then what will happen?'
'Something,' I said with much conviction to hide the feeble answer. 'None of his men know he's a skinwalker, except his war chief. At least, that was true a few years ago, and I think it must still be so. And if they find out --'
'Who knows,' said Batu, 'it might cause them to revere Khasar all the more.'
'Would your warriors follow you if they believed you'd traded the life of your soul to desert shamans?'
Batu considered. 'Their loyalty would be dented, no question, and after a time I believe they would abandon me. But in the midst of a war, they might follow me into battle all the same.'
'Yes, but...' I didn't know how to form my impressions into words. 'But if they actually saw him. I mean, how would you react if you saw someone change into a wolf? He's never a wolf by day, so he'd be confused and they'd be confused and... and...'
What would happen then? Would he attack his own men? Would they fight back? I don't know. But I have these ideas, and I have a strong body to carry them out, and a reason to do it. How can I not?
'My lady, I don't think you should throw away your life, and I don't think I should take your hand and lead you to your end.'
He put a hand on my shoulder as if to usher me back to my room, but I grabbed the doorpost.
'Did you see Khan Tegus today, when you told him Khasar would take his life instead of Saren's? Is there any chance that Tegus will offer himself to save those hundred villagers? For the war, for this realm, isn't Tegus more important than any risk I might take?'
Batu shut his eyes. He was tired, I could see that now. We all are lately, I guess. At least he didn't argue with me again.
We agreed to meet at the kitchen door at dawn. He'll lead me to the east city gate and tell the guards to let me pass. From there, I'll go alone. I'll walk toward Khasar's camp from the east, so the sun will rise behind me, granting me a shadow on my face. I'll wear my hair down and loose, so he won't see me well enough to know the lie. Unlike Tegus, Khasar has seen Saren. I'll go barefoot so he'll see my naked ankles beneath my cloak and know I am a girl and not a warrior, and so perhaps let me get close enough to sing. I'll go alone.
Carthen, goddess of strength, I need your smile more than Khasar does. Evela, give me a bright sun and a dark shadow, and grant me a powerful song. Under, I plead the honor of being the dagger of your revenge.
[Image: A Woman Walking Towards A Village]
Later
Is it still the same day? It feels years later. I can't sleep tonight in this strange place, in yet another new room. I managed to keep my book, and I have a new brush and ink and nothing to do but fret and write, so I'll tell you all that's happened. Ancestors have mercy.
When I met Batu at the kitchen door, I brought Mucker with me. His exhales were billows of white, and he leaned his head against me like an enormous cat. Titor, but I love that beast.
'I'll ride the yak to the gate,' I said.
I didn't say that I hoped riding a yak, Titor s favorite animal, might grant me a kind glance from him, because Batu didn't seem to believe in 'mucker faith.'
And I didn't say that I wanted to put my fingers on an animal's neck to feel some steady comfort or I was likely to break down and sob like a newborn. I certainly didn't say that.
Batu led the yak through the streets. The ways were narrow, clogged with the ghers of refugees, and by the time we reached the east city gate, the sun had cleared the horizon. I couldn't feel its heat. The air was ice that seemed ready to break under my fist. My hands were shaking like to come off my arms, though I don't think I can blame the shaking on just the cold.
Batu spoke to the gate guards, and they inched the gates open. Two arrow shots away, Khasar's warriors camped. They resembled ants in an anthill, for all that I could ever hope to count their number.
