The Schwa Was Here

almost as uncooperative as her grandfather. “Isn’t there something we can do?”

Yes, there was. I went over to the medicine chest and opened it to reveal a whole pharmacy of medication. I quickly scanned the labels.

“What are you doing now?” Crawley asked.

“You need something for pain, and an anti-inflamatory,” I told him. I knew about that from the injuries we’ve had in my own family.

“So you’re my doctor now?”

“Yeah, Dr. DumGuinea, and I’m sending you one helluva bill.” I found what I was looking for, checked the labels for dosage and expiration date, and pulled out a pill from two different vials. Then I filled a glass with water from the sink and cautiously ap­proached Crawley.

“What’s that?”

“Lodine and Vicodin,” I told him. “They prescribed these for you when you first broke your hip, right?”

“I don’t need it!” He pushed the glass away, spilling half the water on my shirtsleeve.

“Fine. Suit yourself.” I put the glass down on the counter with the pills, making sure he could see them. If he looked at them long enough, maybe he’d change his mind.

“They’re coming!” Lexie said. She heard the sirens long be­fore I did. The last time I heard sirens here, it was the police coming for the Schwa and me.

When Crawley heard the approaching sirens, he groaned. “I don’t need this today!”

There was a knock at the door, and I hurried off to let in the paramedics. Instead, it was the Schwa, with an out-of-breath waiter holding Prudence by the collar.

“Hi, Antsy!” the Schwa said brightly, like this was the happi­est place on Earth. “What’s up?”

“Don’t ask.”

I ran back to the bathroom, where Lexie still stood by the threshold, her grandfather yelling at her every time she tried to get closer.

“Anthony! Make her get out of here!”

“Lexie, maybe you should just go sit down—at least until he calms down.”

Exasperated, Lexie left for the living room.

“He’s lying on the floor,” the Schwa said, like I didn’t know.

“I’ll have those pills now,” Crawley said.

I handed him the pills and glass. “Careful, that Vicodin can be habit-forming.”

He gave me a nasty glare and took them.

The Schwa was trying to get up to speed, but not quite mak­ing it. “Uh—shouldn’t someone help him up?”

As if things weren’t crazy enough, when Lexie let the para­medics in, Prudence bolted again, followed by at least three other dogs.

The paramedics freaked and put their hands in the air, which is the worst thing to do around an excited dog, because it thinks, in its pint-size dog brain, that you have a treat in your hand, and so up the dog goes, planting its paws on your chest. Now imagine that multiplied by ten.

“He’s this way—in the bathroom,” I told them, but they were cornered by the sins and virtues and weren’t going anywhere. “C’mon, haven’t you ever seen Afghans before?” I had to use the old man’s trick of throwing a handful of treats clear across the room to free the paramedics.

When medical professionals took over the situation, I thought I could be out of this little drama. I figured Crawley would go off, complaining all the way, with Lexie in tow, and Schwa and I would be left to walk the dogs. Crawley, however, threw a curveball.

The paramedics got him up onto the gurney, and as they were wheeling him out, he grabbed my arm. “Anthony, you come with me.”

“What, me?”

“Is there another Anthony here?”

“I’ll come, Grandpa,” said Lexie, already getting Moxie ready for the journey.

“No. You will stay here with Calvin and walk the dogs.”

“I want to come with you!”

The paramedics rammed right into the Schwa, knocking him flat on his butt. The dogs, who had been calming down, began barking again.

“Sorry, kid, we didn’t see you.”

“Anthony—come!” said Crawley.

I turned to the Schwa and Lexie, holding back the dogs as they wheeled Crawley out. “I think my job description just changed again.”

 ***

They let me ride in the back of the ambulance with him as they ran red lights and took the wrong side of the road halfway to Coney Island Hospital.

“Why did you want me to come?” I asked Crawley. “Why not Lexie?”

“I don’t want her to see me like this.”

“She can’t.”

“Don’t be a smart-ass, you know what I mean.” He shifted positions and grimaced. “Tell them you’re my grandson at the hospital, and weasel your way into the ICU. You’re good at weaseling.”

“Thanks, I think.”

The paramedic checking Crawley’s blood pressure threw me a quick glance, but didn’t say anything. I guess whatever went on at the hospital wasn’t his business.

Then, when the ambulance pulled to a stop at the emergency room, Crawley grabbed my arm again. His nails dug into my forearm, although I don’t think he did it to hurt me, and he said: “Don’t let them leave me alone.”

***

I sat beside him in a little curtained emergency-room cubicle, listening to him complain about everything from the antiseptic smell to the flickering fluorescent lights that “could send some­one into a seizure.” Everything in the hospital was a lawsuit waiting to happen, and he was prepared to bring in his lawyers at any moment.

I called my parents to tell them where I was. Never open up a conversation with your mother with the words, “I’m at the hospital.”

“Oh, my God! Did you get hit by a car? Oh, my God! Is any­thing broken? Oh, my God, Antsy, oh, my God!”

She was so loud, I had to pull the phone away from my ear, and Crawley could hear every word. It was actually a comfort to hear my mother showing concern, so I let it go on for a mo­ment before I stopped her and told why I was at the hospital.

“Mr. Crawley’s really shaken up. I guess I’ll be here for a while.”

“Is he okay?” Mom asked. “Is he gonna live?”

“Not if I can help it.”

Crawley let out a single loud guffaw at that. It was the first time I had ever made him laugh.

“Call when you need a ride home,” she said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get a cab.”

At the mention of that, Crawley’s eyes got a little wider, and his lips pursed a little tighter. After I hung up he said, “You leave when I tell you to leave. I’ll pay you time-and-a-half for overtime.”

“Not everyone in the world does things for money, okay?”

“You do.”

“Well, not all the time.”

“Good. Then I won’t pay you.”

“Okay, I’m leaving.”

“Aha!” he said, pointing his finger at me.

Now it was my turn to laugh.

Crawley glanced out the little opening in the curtain. Doc­tors and nurses whooshed past every minute or so, but never whooshed in. “Hospitals are the greatest failure of civilization,” Crawley proclaimed.