The ship's crew didn't like me any better than the passengers did, resenting my presence in 'officer country' and taking full advantage of their option to bounce me out of any area deemed too sensitive. This was completely at their discretion and depended on the whim or temperament of the individual officer. Robles and Noteiro were liberal; Kranuski and Webb not so nice. But at least I wasn't the only one receiving this treatment: there were over a hundred of our people-men and proficient older boys (Julian among them)-who had been engaged to assist and relieve the burned-out crew. What made my position unique was that I only answered to the captain and didn't have to take on any old job that came up.
I should say here I did have my supporters, however reluctant. Hector, Julian, Jake, Tyrell, and a handful of others never treated me like a stooge. In fact, they sheltered me as best they could from the bullying, though they were obviously terrified of being isolated themselves. It was due to their civility and encouragement that I was able to fulfill any part of my duties, not to mention sleep in peace. I really depended on them.
'You okay?'
It was late in the night, and the weight of woe had driven me to tears. I tried to be quiet about it, huddled in my corner, but Julian overheard me and crawled over. Back turned, I nodded, tried to hold it in, then blurted, 'I'm sick of everybody hating me. I can't stand this anymore. I didn't do anything!'
'No they don't. Hey.'
'What the hell are you talking about?' I retorted.
'Okay they do, but it's nothing personal.'
'That's just it, it is personal. It's about me! It's always been about me. Either people think I'm stuck-up, or I'm some kind of mutant quiz kid-a sideshow freak. Now I get to be an evil she-devil on top of it all? Give me a break!' I turned and looked at him through brimming tears. 'What the hell am I supposed to do? Kill myself?'
'Listen, everybody's just scared. We're all alone out here. Nobody knows what's going on, and right now they're taking it out on you, trying to do anything they can to bond together.'
'Great.'
'I know it sucks, but it's not something you're going to overcome by appealing to their sense of logic. Believe me, I've tried. You're going to have to aim lower.'
'I'm not about to be the ship's slut, if that's what you mean.'
'Not that low. I'm talking about the heart, the gut. Give them something to rally around.'
'Like what?'
'I don't know. You're the English wiz. Think of something.'
Every day a hastily typed memo would appear in my file, describing in the vaguest possible terms the submarine's itinerary, and part of my job was to brighten this bland text with cheerful adjectives and patriotic platitudes, then read it out loud from atop one of the big box girders that spanned the missile bay. This was part of what Coombs called 'Building Team Spirit.' I cranked out the fluff as he asked, though the thought of reading it made me cringe. I put it off and put it off. But when I finally got up the nerve, the response was nothing like I expected.
Here was the first such memo: SURFACE CRUISING 17 NAUT. MI. SOUTH OF CAPE COD-NANTUCKET SOUND-NORTHEASTERLY TRACK-MODERATE TO HEAVY SWELLS-PLANNED NORTHERLY COURSE CHANGE 1900 HRS-SHIP'S STATUS CONTINUED ALERT.
My read-aloud version went:
'It is only through adversity that we know our mettle. We follow the track of the fabled nor'easter and charge through the burgeoning swells like Eros on his dolphin. The bayberry and beach-plum dunes of Cape Cod, only seventeen miles north, do not beckon us the way they did the scurvied whale-men of old Nantucket, returning to their Sound from mythic hunts in southern seas. Our hunt lies north, as tonight at the hour of seven we round the curling eyelash of the Cape and emulate the cool and forward-thrust brow of America. America: She looks to the North Atlantic as the source of her strength, first as the stream that brought her peoples-as the infant Moses was borne upon the Nile-then as the rich fishing grounds that sustained them. Her beating heart urges us this way… and as proud Americans we are bound to go.'
Coombs liked this so much he had me broadcast it all over the boat. I have to say that with 'The Star- Spangled Banner' playing in the background, it sounded pretty good, but what really surprised me was the effect it had on everyone: There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Best of all, after a few of these performances, kids stopped being so mean to me.
'What are you going to do, now that they've arrested your old man?' asked Hector after dinner.
'What is there to do?' I said.
'How can you keep working for them?'
'Yeah, that's gotta suck, dude,' said Jake.
'I'm not working for them. The idea is that we're all supposed to be working together.'
'Yeah, right.'
'Really, I consider myself your representative up there. Anything anybody asks about, I forward it to Coombs, just like I bring back any information he gives me.'
'Which is bogus.'
'Maybe, but without it, we wouldn't know anything at all.'
'I get more scuttlebutt just listening to my stepdad complain.'
'Yeah, but that's just a lot of rumors and gossip,' I said. 'That's not real information-sharing. The only people who really know anything are the senior officers.'
'Like they're sharing with you, give me a break. You're a tool.'
'Thanks.'
'A propaganda tool, come on. They're using you.'
'It goes both ways.'
'Oh yeah? So what are they planning for us? Tell me that.'
'You heard the message,' I said. 'We're going up north to find the 'environmental survivability threshold of Agent X'-'
'Whatever that means.'
'-where Maenad activity might be less intense-'
'Where they're all frozen solid, in other words.'
'Xombiesicles.' Jake smirked.
'-and where we can presumably be dropped off safely.' I shook my head. 'God, you guys.'
'Where? Like the North Pole? I don't believe in Santa Claus, Lulu,' Hector said. 'Spring is on its way, you know? And it isn't just flowers that are going to be in bloom. Maybe it's cold now, but there's not going to be any place cold enough to make ice in July-not any place we can live. And what are we supposed to eat in the meantime? What are we supposed to wear? None of us brought clothes for a damn Antarctic expedition.'
'Arctic. Look, there's no point in talking about this, because we don't know what they have in mind.'
'All I'm saying is we're starving already, and it's only going to get worse.'
'They shouldn't call it the Donner party,' mused Jake. 'I'd be like, 'Where's the beer, dude? Holy shit!''
A little shrilly, I snapped, 'What do you expect me to do about it?'
Hector backed off, looking beat. 'Nothing. Nothing, man, I'm sorry.' I suddenly realized I could see the beginnings of gauntness in his features. After three days trapped belowdecks, seasickness and the starvation diet were undermining his robust Boy Scout face. All of them, all their eyes were haunted. I felt terrible-my own belly was full of canned ham, biscuits, and three-bean salad, which I had wolfed down in the grizzled, jolly presence of Mess Officer Emilio Monte, who had prepared it for me in the wardroom pantry. Away from prying eyes.
Eat up, girlie, he had said. Mmm-mm! Goes down good, does it? That's what good little children get. Bad little children go to the goat locker.
'No, I'm sorry,' I said to them then. 'I'll have to try harder to be useful up there. Fish for more concrete information.'
'Be better to fish for fish,' Tyrell said. 'They're gonna starve us till we don't care what they do. Make us weak as baby chicks, then they can kill us, leave us on an iceberg, don't matter. Sub-mission-ain't that the name of the game? We ain't nothin' but a drain on 'em.'
'I just think we have to be patient.'
