fast. Too fast. No matter what I gave him, he wanted more. And I was fighting it. Everything we did turned into a constant struggle over how far I'd go.
It took so long to get to this place, I didn't want to rush it. I didn't understand why we couldn't just enjoy the moment, enjoy being together, and not hurry to the next step.
And by next step, I meant physically.
There wasn't a lot of discussion about next steps in terms of our relationship.
After a couple of weeks, Nate started talking about how he felt that I was the one, his true love. It could all be so amazing, he said, if I just let him love me the way he wanted to.
This was what I'd been fantasizing about for so long. This was what I'd always wanted. So I thought, Yes, I'll do it. Because it will be with him. And that's what matters.
I decided to surprise him.
I decided to trust him.
I decided to go for it.
I had everything planned, everything in place. Our parents were going to be out late and we'd have the house to ourselves.
'Are you sure you want to do this, Pen?' Tracy asked me that morning.
'I know I don't want to lose him,' I replied.
That was my reasoning. This was for Nate. This had nothing to do with me and what I wanted. It was all for him, I wanted it all to be spontaneous, I wanted him to have no idea, and then be overwhelmed with how perfect it (I) was. He didn't even know I was home; I wanted him to think that I was gone for the evening, to make it even more of a surprise. I wanted to show him that I was ready. Willing. Able. I had it all figured out, except what I was going to wear. I snuck into my sister Rita's room and went through her drawers until I found a white silk camisole that didn't leave much to the imagination. I took her red lace robe as well.
When I was finally ready, I crept down the stairs to Nate's room in our basement. I began to untie the robe, feeling a mixture of excitement and pure nervousness. I couldn't wait to see the look on Nate's face when he saw me. I couldn't wait to prove to him how I felt, so he would finally feel the same way.
I started to smile as I turned the lights on.
'Surprise!' I called out.
Nate popped up from the couch with a look of panic on his face.
'Hi…' I said meekly as I dropped the robe on the floor.
Then a second head popped up from the couch.
A girl.
With Nate, I stood frozen, not believing my own eyes, I looked between the two of them as they fumbled for clothing. Finally, I reached for the robe and put it on, trying to cover as much of myself as possible.
The girl started giggling. 'I thought you said your sister was gone for the evening!'
His sister? Nate didn't have a sister, I tried to tell myself there was a good explanation for what I was seeing. There was no way Nate would do something like this to me. Especially in my own house.
Maybe this girl had been in a car accident right outside and Nate had brought her inside to.. um, comfort her. Or they were just rehearsing a scene from a summer production of.. Naked Romeo and Juliet Or maybe I had fallen asleep, and it was only a nightmare.. no.
The girl finished putting on her clothes, and Nate, avoiding my eyes, walked her upstairs.
Such a gentleman.
After what seemed like an eternity, he returned.
'Penny,' he said, putting his arms around my waist, 'I'm sorry that you had to see that.'
I tried to speak, but couldn't find my voice.
He ran his arms up to my shoulders and started to rub them through the robe. 'I'm sorry, Penny. So sorry. You have to believe me that this was something so stupid. I'm an idiot, A complete idiot.'
I shook my head. 'How could you?' The words were barely a whisper, my throat was tight.
He leaned in. 'Honestly, it will never happen again. I mean, nothing did happen. Nothing. It was nothing. She was nothing.
You know how much you mean to me. You're the one I want to be with. You're the one I love.' He moved his hands down my back.
'Maybe this will make you feel better? Tell me what I can do, Penny. I would never want to hurt you.'
The shock was slowly wearing off, revealing the anger underneath. I pulled away. 'How could you?' I said. 'HOW COULD YOU?' (I screamed the last part.)
'Look, I already apologized.'
'You APOLOGIZED?'
'P enny, I'm so sorry.'
'SORRY?'
'Please stop doing that and just listen to me, I can explain.'
'Fine, then.' I sat down on the couch, 'Explain.'
Nate glanced nervously at me — clearly he hadn't expected me to actually sit down and listen to what he had to say.
'Penny, that girl is nothing to me.'
'Didn't look like it was nothing.' I tightened the belt around my robe and grabbed a couch cushion to cover my legs.
Nate sighed. A full-blown sigh. 'Oh, here we go with the dramatics,' he said. Then he sat down next to me with his arms folded. 'Fine — i? you aren't going to accept my apology, I don't know what I can do.'
'Apology?' I laughed. 'Do you think saying 'sorry' is going to erase this? I thought you said I was special.' I looked down at the floor, ashamed of myself for even bringing it up.
'Penny, you are special. But, c'mon, what did you think was going to happen?' Nate's face turned bright red. 'I mean, here's the thing. You and I.. were… were.. well, it is what it is…'
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The Nate from just a few short days ago was gone and some… beast had taken his place.
'What does that mean?'
'Jesus Christ.' Nate got up from the couch and started to pace.
'This is exactly what I'm talking about. Look at you, sitting there like you did when we were little and didn't get what you wanted.
Well, I wanted you for a long time, Penny. A very long time. But even though you think you want me, you don't want me. You want your childhood sweetheart version of me. The holding-hands-kiss-on-the-cheek Nate. Well, that Nate grew up.
Maybe you should, too.'
'But I…'
'What? You what? Put your sisters nightie on? That's child's play, Penny. In your mind, its a perpetual wedding day, no honeymoon, no taking off the wedding dress, nothing. But guess what. People have sex. It's not a big deal.'
My body began to shake. It was hitting me.
Nate shook his head. 'I should've known better than to get involved with you. What can I say? I was bored, and it was much easier to give in to your fantasy than to fight it. And, I will admit, you do have that cute little suburban thing going for you. I just never thought you'd turn out to be nothing but a tease.'
I felt sick. Tears started to streak down my face, 'Oh, come on.' Nate sat down and put his arm around me. 'Just yell at me some more and you'll feel better. Then we can move on.'
I shook myself free and ran upstairs.
Away from Nate.
Away from the lies.
Away from it all.
But I couldn't run away. He was living in our house for two more weeks. Every morning I had to get up and face him. Watch him leave the house, knowing he was probably going out with her.
Knowing that he had to look elsewhere because I wasn't good enough for him. He would never see me 'that
