“Really? Or maybe it was just a new form of entertainment, and I’m lagging behind? Sir Kofa, you, at least, might try to calm my nerves.”
“I need a drink, too,” Kofa Yox said, smiling good-naturedly. “Then I’m at your service.”
“This is no Secret Investigative Force. It’s some kind of orphanage,” I snorted. “So I kill a guy. Just one, mind you. He disappears afterward. It’s really no big deal! Besides, I think I need a drink, too. I’ll join you.”
“My team has taken to drink,” Juffin moaned. “Lonli-Lokli is my last hope—where is he, by the way?”
“Did you call, sir?” Lonli-Lokli appeared suddenly at the door. “Have you still not found our killer?”
Turning around to look at him, the four of us burst out laughing. At first it resembled mass hysteria, but in a few seconds we really did begin to find it funny. Shurf stepped into the office, sat down in a chair, and regarded us with warm interest, waiting until we had regained our composure. Then he asked:
“So, what about the murderer?”
“Everything has been taken care of, since Max killed him and the corpse disappeared,” Melifaro informed him, laughing heartily again.
I didn’t have the strength to join in his merriment. Luckily, the messenger with a tray from the
I had never in my life thought I would be capable of drinking a whole mug of anything at one go, much less Jubatic Juice. Evidently, however, the body knows its own needs. If necessary, it will perform miracles.
“Sir Juffin,” Lonli-Lokli urged calmly. “Perhaps you will tell me.”
“Melifaro is absolutely right, Sir Shurf. That’s just about how it all happened, save a few spicy details.”
“Max, why did you do it on your own? And in such a primitive manner?” objected the professional in Lonli- Lokli, somewhat scandalized by the shoddy job of a dilettante.
“I’m bloodthirsty, Shurf,” I admitted eagerly. “Sometimes I just can’t help myself.”
This time it was Juffin Hully who laughed loudest of all. I think it was just relief for he realized I was finally myself again.
“But that’s very bad, Max!” Lonli-Lokli exclaimed in alarm. “With your abilities you need to learn to exercise self-control. If you don’t mind, I’ll demonstrate some simple breathing exercises that will aid in the development of your self-control and peace of mind.”
For the sake of my “official friend” I tried to be more serious.
“Thank you, Shurf. I’d love to see them. But to be honest, I was just joking. Later I’ll explain everything that happened. Everything I can, anyway. I’m afraid it isn’t much.”
“If this has anything to do with a mystery, I’d prefer to remain in the dark, since a mystery made public is an insult to Truth.”
“Do you understand?” Sir Kofa asked Melifaro. “That’s an answer to all your questions at once.”
“I couldn’t give a flying buttress,” Melifaro announced dreamily. “I’ve had my drink and all is well. You can go to the Magicians with your terrible mysteries. Even without them, life is wonderful. Oh, by the way, since Sir Shurf is here with us—do you still think that I was making fun of you both, O Bloodthirsty Monster? Sir Max, I’m talking to you!”
“Of course,” I said indifferently. “But I didn’t give a flying buttress, as you expressed it, either.”
“Then you absolutely must meet my father, who will give you evidence of my innocence. Sir Juffin, can you possibly do without us both at the same time? At least for one day?”
“What would I need you for? Get out of my sight this instant, if you wish,” Juffin said. “But just one day, mind you! Agreed? Sir Kofa, Sir Shurf, get used to the idea that tomorrow the two of you alone will answer for the safety and security of the Unified Kingdom. And tonight—only Kurush. Right, my friend?” Juffin stroked the bird’s fluffy little cap of feathers tenderly. “As for me, I intend to sleep for a whole day and night. Lady Melamori is probably already sipping expensive wine under the watchful supervision of her uncle. These two are planning an outing to the country to terrorize cats. We’re a pretty pack of Secret Investigators, bulwark against threats to our society’s well-being. It can’t be denied.”
“Well, how about it, Max?” Melifaro said, turning to me. “We’ll leave tonight, and get there in a few hours. If you’re at the levers of the amobiler, we’ll get there in one. Fresh country air, heaps of good food, and my Pa. It will be something, believe me. And Mama’s a treat, too.”
“Heaps of food, Papa, and Mama,” I repeated in rapture. “That sounds perfect. And a fast drive sounds even better. You’re a genius, Melifaro! I’m forever in your debt. Thank you, Juffin. You’re both lifesavers.”
I wasn’t exaggerating. A change of scenery was exactly what I needed just now. I hadn’t dared dream I would be lucky enough to get it.
“Well, shall we go?”
Melifaro was already dancing in the doorway in anticipation. He didn’t like sitting in one spot for very long, especially after a plan of action had been laid down.
“Yes, yes. Juffin, tell me, am I required to wear these rags of baleful splendor wherever I go?”
I meant, of course, the Mantle of Death. Not the most appropriate attire for a jaunt to the country.
“No. You only have to wear it within the city limits,” Juffin said acerbically. “But I thought you liked your little uniform.”
“I do like it. I’m just afraid the chickens out there will stop laying eggs from fright. Did I say something wrong?”
“Oh my gosh, another mystery!” Melifaro exclaimed wringing his hands. “Max, a hole in the heavens above, what on earth are ‘chickens’? Only turkeys lay eggs. Take it from a country boy!”
While Melifaro looked over my apartment in bewilderment, trying to understand whether it was asceticism or stinginess that had inspired me to settle down there, I cuddled with Armstrong and Ella, delighting in their throaty purrs and murmuring whatever banal endearments came into my head.
Then I went up to the bedroom and rummaged around in the closet until I found some duds that more or less corresponded to my foggy notions of the requirements country living. I went back down to the living room with a half-empty weekend bag in tow.
“I’m ready. I’m afraid you’ve gotten a sad impression of my way of life. I can’t do anything to change it. I love tenement living!”
“What do you mean? It’s great here!” Melifaro cried, brushing off my remark. “No frivolous extras. A real den for a lone hero. Truly, Max, it’s very romantic.”
“Shall we have a drink for the road? I’m the most inhospitable host in the whole darn town. Actually, I don’t have anything to offer you, unless we decide to go out to the
“I took all we needed from the Ministry. Drink, kamra, and everything else I could grab. Let’s go, Max, or I’m going to collapse. You, no doubt, are even more exhausted.”
“I’m nowhere near collapse. You forget I’m the ‘nocturnal backside. ’ My shift is just beginning. Off we go!”
“You know, Max, there is an aura of evil about you,” Melifaro remarked, getting into the amobiler. “Your nocturnal habits, your fast driving, your gloomy expression, the black looxi, you don’t eat soup, like normal people do . . . Not to mention your absurd habit of killing crown criminals. It’s too much for one person. It’s no wonder Melamori is afraid of you.”
“Afraid of me!”
“Of course, didn’t you know? When I saw how she looked at you, I thought, ‘That’s it, pal. You can go scratch your backside. You’ve got a serious competitor!’ Then I realized that my stakes hadn’t fallen so low. The lady fears you like a nightmare.”
“That’s ridiculous. Why should she be afraid of me? Melamori isn’t one of those prissy city girls who are ready to pee in their pants whenever I go out to the store for some useless crap.”
“That’s just it. She’s no priss. She understands people better than anyone. That’s her job. Ask her yourself. How should I know? Anyway, I think I’ll doze off while we’re driving.”
“Then we’ll be on the road for a very long time. Because the only road I’d be able to find without your advice leads directly to the Barren Lands.”
Of course I was lying shamelessly, since I didn’t even know that road.
“And I thought you knew everything, like Juffin.”
