As I got up and headed for the door, he said, “Another time then, Kay. Third time lucky, eh?”
I got out of there and pulled the door shut behind me just as Helen reached the foot of the stairs.
I turned her round and hurried her back upstairs, scolding her for wandering around in the night draughts, and insisting she came into my room for the rest of the night, which she always loved doing. She lay beside me and chattered herself to sleep but I never closed my eyes, listening to every noise in the darkness and wondering how I was going to deal with this.
In the morning I found that Pal had gone.
His father didn’t return till a couple of days later, the day before I was due to fly to the States with Helen. Whatever he’d been doing, he seemed very pleased with the way things had gone and this spilled over into the way he regarded me. It didn’t seem a good time to say anything. When would there be a good time? I didn’t know, but with my trip back home so close, it was easy to postpone my problem. In fact I decided to take my leave of him while things were so good between us. Does that seem contradictory? My thinking was how much better it would be for both of us if we didn’t separate for what was going to be our longest period apart since the wedding on a sour note. So I told him that, rather than heading off first thing in the morning, I’d decided to book me and Helen in at an airport hotel that night. He said fine, it made much more sense, it’s what he always preferred to do. And we kissed like a fond old married couple and off I went.
Would it have made a difference if I’d stayed? I don’t know. I can’t say whether the lying letter Pal Junior says he sent him was already in the pile of mail which he hadn’t yet opened when I left or whether it came next morning. Maybe if those dreadful accusations were what drove him to kill himself, I could have refuted them. But only at the expense of showing him the kind of son he had, and that might have been worse.
Of course it could be Pal Junior never sent a letter at all and has just made that up because he’s genuinely convinced that I’m indirectly to blame for his father’s death. Which would mean there’s some other reason for the suicide.
I don’t know. All I know is we kissed goodbye then off I went, first to Florida to give Helen a look at Disneyland and get the English chill out of our bones. Then I hired a car and we headed north. No plans. I had ten days to get to Hartford and I just wanted Helen to have fun and see as much of my country as we could. That’s why it took the cops so long to track us down.
I wish I’d been here. In the long run it might not have made any difference, but at least I’m sure he wouldn’t have done it with me and Helen in the house. And I wish I could have got back quicker. Young Pal and Cress were always going to blame me. There’d have been bitter words, I don’t doubt. But words are only a vibration of the air. However bitter, they leave no trace. My delay gave them time for deeds, however. They changed the locks, shut me out of my house because it was now their house. And that first deed was a step which has set them on a path it was always going to be hard to retreat from .
Like I say, I don’t know exactly why my husband killed himself. Perhaps he didn’t really know either. Perhaps that’s why he seems to have started writing a note then burnt it, because if he could have expressed the darkness inside him, he could have brought it under control. Maybe it was Pal Junior’s letter he burnt. Maybe. Certainly, the way Pal’s been behaving, the things he’s been saying since it happened make it sound like he’s got something on his conscience and is trying to offload his guilt on to me. I wish you could assure him it’s not worth the effort, Andy. I sure as hell feel guilty enough without his help. Much as I’d like it, there’s no way I can put my hand on my heart and swear Pal’s suicide had nothing to do with me. It had something to do with all of us because none of us could offer him enough to stop him doing it. But was I to blame solely and specifically? I don’t believe so. I can’t believe so. Having Emily Dickinson’s poems open on the desk before him, the same volume I had given to him in token of love, might seem like a kind of accusation. I’m sure the kids are going to think so. In a sense they’re right. I’d told him about the way I used the poems as a form of Sortes. So maybe he’d followed my example and hit upon 1062… Caressed a Trigger absently and wandered out of Life… Could that have tipped him over? Maybe. But when you’re ready to be tipped, even the sun shining bright and daffodils dancing in the breeze must look like a message telling you it’s time to go.
That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. I loved my husband. OK, maybe I loved him more for being Helen’s dad than for being Palinurus Maciver. But that made him even more precious to me. Sexual love is selfish. As well as great pleasure it can be the occasion of great pain, sometimes given carelessly, sometimes with malice aforethought. But I loved Pal through Helen. No way I could hurt one without hurting the other. If I seem cool and collected now it’s not because I’m not in pain myself. It’s because all my strength now has only one task.
To protect Helen and bring her through this pain.
I can’t find it in me to condemn Pal Junior for the way he’s reacting. Finding his father like that must have been terrible beyond belief. However badly he’s behaved in the past, the way he’s acting now is completely understandable. But he’s got to stop. Not for my sake, I’m big enough to take it. But for his own sake, and for Cressida’s, and above all for Helen’s.
She’s got her life ahead of her. With me by her side, I believe that can be a good life, the kind of life her father would have wanted for her. No way should anything be allowed to get in the way of that.
That’s what I owe to my husband.
That’s what I owe to myself.
Andy, I’m sorry, you asked for a brief statement and I seem to have given you a life history. Once I got started… well, it’s probably not much use to you, but it’s done me a lot of good, I think, just getting it all said. I could just scrub over it, I guess, but I’d like you to hear it, because I want you to understand why I want all this tidied up as quietly as possible. Like I say, Helen’s the only person who matters in all this. I don’t much care what the other two do or say, so long as it doesn’t turn into a public screaming match that Helen can’t help hearing about. Time will sort everything out, I’m sure of that, but to get that time we need a truce.
Andy, I’m sure that if any man can fix that truce, it’s you.
After the tape had finished Pascoe once more sat staring at the windscreen, his gaze going no further than the insect-smeared glass.
No question, it was a powerfully moving statement. Even without anything but a superficial knowledge of the woman, he could feel himself being magicked by her.
But was it enough to explain Dalziel’s relationship with her? He thought not.
The Fat Man was beyond simple enchantment. He wouldn’t have needed to be bound to the mast to listen to the sirens singing. He’d have sat in a deck chair with a pint in his hand, applauded politely when they finished and said, “Aye, very nice, but they’re not the Beverley Sisters, are they?”
No, though the statement may have reinforced his feelings for the woman, their relationship pre-dated it. Wield had spotted something between them from the start, and the way she addressed him and the things she said in the tape’s little coda confirmed a relationship already established, a judgment already made before Pal Senior’s suicide brought Kay into his life professionally.
And here he was again ten years on, the perfect gentle knight riding to his lady’s aid.
“God help the horse!” said Pascoe out loud, and smiled.
Conclusion: the only thing he was certain of was that if the Fat Man believed hearing the tape would make him steer well clear of Kay Kafka, he was wrong. Their brief encounter at the hospital hadn’t told him much, but then he hadn’t been asking much. He was still a long way from seeing how the link between stepmother and stepson could have any bearing on the latter’s death, but after listening to the tape he knew he would like to confront the enchantress again and make up his own mind about her.
And why not now? Cothersley Hall was only a few miles away. He’d noticed it on his map when he’d been looking for Casa Alba, which didn’t figure. You needed more than money to get your house name on an OS sheet, you needed antiquity.
So, he was resolved. Like the tinker in the ballad he would ride boldly up to the hall. But not quite straightaway. It was a long time since breakfast, which as a result of his late rising (oh, the sweet memory) had consisted of a mouthful of coffee and a gobbet of bread. Now, despite the Fat Man’s warning and his own observations, the fripperies of the Dog and Duck were seeming quite attractive. In addition there were a couple of things he’d like to check out with the Captain.
As he turned on the engine, he glanced up at the house.
