nipples pointed straight out. Suddenly, the thought came, surprising me: it would have been much prettier if the circle surrounding the nipples had been rose-red, instead of merely amber-brown. I was thrilled by the bare idea. But her flanks and belly were lovely; the navel like a curled sea-shell, I thought, and the triangle of silky brown hairs on the Mount of Venus seemed to me enchanting, but Jessie kept covering her beauty-place. «It's ugly,» she said, «please boy,» but I went on caressing it and soon I was trying to slip my sex in again; though Jessie's «O's» of pain began at once and she begged me to stop.
«We must get up and dress,» she said; «they'll soon be back,» so I had to content myself with just lying in her arms with my sex touching hers. Soon she began to move against my sex, and to kiss me, and then she bit my lips just as my sex slipped into hers again; she left it in for a long moment and then as her lips grew hot: «It's so big,» she said «but you're a dear.» The moment after she cried: «We must get up, boy! If they caught us, I'd die of shame.» When I tried to divert her attention by kissing her breasts, she pouted, «That hurts, too. Please, boy, stop and don't look,» she added as she tried to rise, covering her sex the while with her hand, and pulling a frowning face. Though I told her she was mistaken and her sex was lovely, she persisted in hiding it, and in truth her breasts and thighs excited me more, perhaps because they were in themselves more beautiful. I put my hand on her hip; she smiled, «Please, boy,» and as I moved away to give her room, she got up and stood by the bed, a perfect little figure in rosy, warm outline. I was entranced, but the cursed critical faculty was awake. As she turned, I saw she was too broad for her height; her legs were too short, her hips too stout.
It all chilled me a little. Should I ever find perfection? Ten minutes later she had rearranged the bed and we were seated in the sitting room, but to my wonder Jessie didn't want to talk over our experience. «What gave you the most pleasure?» I asked. «All of it,» she said, «you naughty dear; but don't let's talk of it.» I told her I was going to work for a month, but I couldn't talk to her; my hand was soon up her clothes again, playing with her sex and caressing it, and we had to move apart hurriedly when we heard her sister at the door. I didn't get another evening alone with Jessie for some time. I asked for it often enough, but Jessie made excuses and her sister was very cold to me. I soon found out that it was by her advice that Jessie guarded herself. Jessie confessed that her sister accused her of letting me «act like a husband. She must have seen a stain on my chemise,» Jessie added, «when you made me bleed, you naughty boy; anyway, something gave her the idea, and now you must be good.»
That was the conclusion of the whole matter. If I had known as much then as I knew ten years later, neither the pain nor her sister's warnings could have dissuaded Jessie from giving herself to me. Even at the time I felt that a little more knowledge would have made me the arbiter. The desire to have Jessie completely to myself again was one reason why I gave up the job at the bridge as soon as the month was up. I had over a hundred and fifty dollars clear in my pocket and I had noticed that though the pains in my ears soon ceased, I had become a little hard of hearing. The first morning I wanted to lie in bed and have one great lazy day, but I awoke at five as usual, and it suddenly occurred to me that I should go down and see Allison, the bootblack, again. I found him busier than ever and I had soon stripped off and set to work. About ten o'clock we had nothing to do, so I told him of my work under water; he boasted that his «stand» brought him in about four dollars a day: there wasn't much to do in the afternoons, but from six to seven again he usually earned something more. I was welcome to come and work with him any morning on halves and I thought it well to accept his offer. That very afternoon I took Jessie for a walk in the park, but when we had found a seat in the shade she confessed that her sister thought we ought to be engaged, and as soon as I got steady work we could be married. «A woman wants a home of her own,» she said, «and oh, boy! I'd make it so pretty! And we'd go out to the theatres and have a gay old time.» I was horrified; married at my age, no sir! It seemed absurd to me, and with Jessie! I saw she was pretty and bright, but she knew nothing, never had read anything: I couldn't marry her. The idea made me snort. But she was dead in earnest, so I agreed to all she said, only insisting that first I must get regular work; I'd buy the engagement ring too: but first we must have another great evening. Jessie didn't know whether her sister would go out, but she'd see. Meanwhile we kissed and kissed and her lips grew hot and my hand got busy, and then we walked again, on and on, and finally went into the great museum.
Here I got one of the shocks of my life. Suddenly, Jessie stopped before a picture representing, I think, Paris choosing the goddess of beauty, Paris being an ideal figure of youthful manhood. «Oh, isn't he splendid!» cried Jessie. «Just like you,» she added with feminine wit, pouting out her lips as if to kiss me. If she hadn't made the personal application, I might not have realized the absurdity of the comparison. But Paris had long, slim legs while mine were short and stout, and his face was oval and his nose straight, while my nose jutted out with broad, scenting nostrils. The conviction came to me in a flash: I was ugly with irregular features, sharp eyes and short squat figure. The certainty overpowered me: I had learned before that I was too small to be a great athlete, now I saw that I was ugly to boot: my heart sank: I cannot describe my disappointment and disgust. Jessie asked what was the matter and at length I told her. She wouldn't have it. «You've a lovely white skin,» she cried,
«and you're quick and strong: no one would call you ugly! The idea!»
But the knowledge was in me indisputable, never to leave me again for long. It even led me to some erroneous inferences then and there. For example, it seemed clear to me that if I had been tall and handsome like Paris, Jessie would have given herself to me in spite of her sister; but further knowledge of women makes me inclined to doubt this. They have a luscious eye for good looks in the male, naturally; but other qualities, such as strength and dominant self-confidence, have an even greater attraction for the majority, especially for those who are richly endowed sexually. I am inclined to think that it was her sister's warnings and her own matter-of-fact hesitation before the irrevocable that induced Jessie to withhold her sex from complete abandonment. But the pleasure I had experienced with her made me keener than ever and more enterprising. The conviction of my ugliness, too, made me resolve to develop my mind and all other faculties as much as I could. Finally I saw Jessie home and had a great hug and long kiss and was told she had had a bully afternoon and we made another appointment. I worked at bootblacking every morning and soon got some regular customers, notably a young, well dressed man who seemed to like me. Either Allison or he himself told me his name was Kendrick and he came from Chicago. One morning he was very silent and absorbed. At length I said, «Finished,» and «Finished,» he repeated after me. «I was thinking of something else,» he explained. «Intent,»
I said smiling. «A business deal,» he explained, «but why do you say intent?» «The Latin phrase came into my head,» I replied without thinking, «Intentique ore tenebant, Vergil says.» «Good God!» he cried. «Fancy a bootblack quoting Vergil. You're a strange lad; what age are you?» «Sixteen,» I replied. «You don't look it,» he said, «but now I must hurry; one of these days we'll have a talk.» I smiled,
«Thank you, Sir,» and away he hastened. The very next day he was in still greater haste. «I must get down town,» he said. «I'm late already. Just give me a rub or two»; he cried impatiently, «I must catch that train.» And he fumbled with some bills in his hand. «It's all right,» I said, and smiling added: «Hurry! I'll be here tomorrow.»
He smiled and went off without paying, taking me at my word. The next day I strolled down town early, for Allison had found that a stand and lean-to were to be sold on the corner of Thirteenth Street and Seventh Avenue, and as he was known, he wanted me to go and have a look at the business done from seven to nine. The Dago who wished to sell out and go back to Dalmatia wanted three hundred dollars for the outfit, asserting that the business brought in four dollars a day. He had not exaggerated unduly, I found, and Allison was hot that we should buy it together and go fifty-fifty. «You'll make five or six dollars a day at it,» he said, «if the Dago makes four. It's one of the good pitches and with three dollars a day coming in, you'll soon have a stand of your own.» While we were discussing it, Kendrick came up and took his accustomed seat. «What were you so hot about?» he asked, and as Allison smiled, I told him. «Three dollars a day seems good,» he said, «but bootblacking's not your game. How would you like to come to Chicago and have a place as night clerk in my hotel? I've got one with my uncle,» he added, «and I think you'd make good.»
«I'd do my best,» I replied, the very thought of Chicago and the Great West drawing me. «Will you let me think it over?» «Sure, sure!» he replied. «I don't go back till Friday; that gives you three days to decide.» Allison stuck to his opinion that a good stand would make more money; but when I talked it over with the Mulligans, they were both in favor of the hotel. I saw Jessie that same evening and told her of the «stand» and begged for another evening, but she stuck to it that her sister was suspicious and cross with me and would not leave us alone again. Accordingly, I said nothing to her of Chicago. I had always noticed that sexual pleasure is in its nature profoundly selfish. So long as Jessie yielded to me and gave me delight, I was attracted to her; but as soon as she denied me, I became annoyed and dreamed of more pliant beauties. I was rather pleased to leave her without even a word; «That'll teach her!» my wounded vanity whispered; «She deserves to suffer a little for disappointing me.»
