Including the children, she added to herself.
“Yes.”
She closed her eyes. It did not surprise her. She knew what he was by now and had heard enough from others to guess at much of what he had done. Sometimes she forgot, though, because she had never known him when he was purely Hollowcrest and Raumesys’s assassin. It was jarring to be reminded that his reputation was entirely founded.
“Was it… Do you regret it?” she asked.
No note of remorse had colored his “yes,” but he was so good at hiding his thoughts and emotions, one would never know if he actually felt something.
Sicarius set his boots by the fire and held her rucksack out to her. “Do you want me to go outside?”
“What?”
“While you change.”
“Oh.” She had forgotten the water dripping from her hair and clothing. “No need. I’ll go over there.”
Thanks to the disease Hollowcrest’s crazy dungeon scientist had infected her with, Sicarius had seen her naked before. Or maybe not. She was not sure if he had bothered looking. Despite everything he was, and knowing what she should and should not want, that disappointed her.
She grabbed her rucksack and walked to the bed, wet boots squeaking with each step. She turned her back to the fireplace and dug out dry fatigues. Alas, she did not catch him peeping while she changed.
They shared the purloined food, then Sicarius settled on the bearskin rug, one leg stretched out and the other bent, arm resting on his knee. His shirt was untucked, and he was barefoot. Amaranthe did not bother him outside of missions and training time, so she had never seen him in even that bit of undress. He almost looked… relaxed. She had never seen that either.
It did not seem right, considering the day’s revelations, but it was old news to him even if it was not to her.
Amaranthe sat on the rug, close enough to enjoy the fire’s warmth and talk to him-should he deign to converse-but she was careful not to intrude on his space. Strange that she could joke with him, however one- sidedly, while working, yet words eluded her now. Must be the bare feet. Most of the time, she felt comfortable around him. Indeed, over the last few months, when she dared not visit her old friends or enforcer comrades, he had become the person she confided in most. She trusted him to have her back in a fight-or a lightning storm. She wished she knew if his willingness to protect her represented fondness or if he was only interested in keeping her alive because she might be his best bet to one day establish a relationship with Sespian.
“Sicarius…” Amaranthe pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, eyes toward the fire instead of him. “You were watching the camp there at the end, I assume. If I hadn’t… If that shaman had started to interrogate me…” She licked her lips, not sure she should ask a question she might not want to hear the answer to; he never prevaricated, so she expected a blunt and honest response. “I’m guessing you had your rifle in hand, ready to fire, before I threw the blasting stick and escaped. If I hadn’t done that… Given what I know about you and…Sespian…and given what happened when I originally learned what I learned… Well, I wonder sometimes if you wouldn’t feel your secrets were more secure if I weren’t around.”
Wood snapped, and sparks disappeared up the chimney. Amaranthe waited, then finally looked his way. He returned her gaze but said nothing.
“Well?” she asked.
“Well, what?”
“You’re not going to answer?”
“You didn’t ask a question.”
“I did too.”
“A question is denoted by a higher pitched tone at the end of the sentence. Your voice never did that.” Curse him, his eyes glinted with amusement.
“ Sicarius! This isn’t the time for you to practice being whimsical.”
He turned his dark eyes toward the fire. “It wasn’t in my mind to shoot you.”
Not exactly a proclamation that he would never under any circumstances consider harming her, but she had not expected that. Hoped for, but not expected.
“Good,” Amaranthe said. “My ego likes to think I’m not expendable.”
Sicarius leaned back on his hands. Amaranthe added a couple more logs, relishing the heat that warmed her face. Rain hammered the roof, and wind beat at the shutters of the single window, but inside it had grown comfortable.
“Sespian was there,” Sicarius said.
“What?” Amaranthe blinked.
“When I returned from the mission to Mangdoria. With the heads. The emperor and Hollowcrest always wanted proof of a task completed. Sespian was there.”
“Oh.” She feared she did not want to hear the next part, but she gave him an encouraging nod anyway. She could not remember many times when he started a conversation or volunteered personal information. “How old was he?”
“Five. He was on the floor next to Raumesys’s desk, playing with wood blocks. Building something creative.” Sicarius continued to stare into the fire as he spoke, lost in the memory perhaps. “I asked Raumesys if the boy should leave. He said no. Sespian needed to be tough if he was to rule one day.” His jaw tightened.
“So he was sitting there when you dumped a pile of heads on the floor.” Amaranthe rubbed her face. A five-year-old boy confronted with that…
“Yes. I should have refused to do it with him in the room. I was…”
“Indoctrinated to obey the emperor,” Amaranthe said.
His gaze shifted to meet hers.
“I know. Even as an enforcer, I had a lot of that drilled into me,” she said. “Obey your chain of command without question, and the emperor’s law is immutable. If we want you to have an opinion, we’ll give it to you.” For the first time, she wondered what kind of person she would be if she had gone to a city school. Her father had sacrificed much to send her to Mildawn to study business, where she had received a far more liberal education than typical in the empire. By the time she entered the Enforcer Academy, she had been old enough to know her own mind and her obeisance had often been outward only.
“Yes,” Sicarius said.
A question she had wondered more than once trickled into the stream of her thoughts. With him more open than usual tonight, maybe he would answer it. It was on her tongue, but she hesitated. He had been the one to bring up Sespian, but he might not appreciate her prying.
Curiosity overruled wisdom.
“How did you come to be Sespian’s father?” Amaranthe asked. “Did you love his mother?”
He did not react with surprise to her questions-he never did. Just that schooled mask that revealed so little.
“Sorry,” she said. “I retract my question. It’s none of my business.”
He snorted softly. Yes, he knew she wasn’t retracting anything; she wanted to know.
Amaranthe shrugged. “At least I pitched my voice higher at the end of the question.”
She wondered if a man who could kill without remorse or self-doubt possessed the ability to love. Sespian’s fate mattered to him, but did he love his son? Or was his protectiveness born from a sense of duty? That imperative ran deep amongst Turgonian men. Duty to the emperor, duty to one’s family. That wasn’t the same as love.
“No,” Sicarius said.
It took a moment for her to realize which question he was answering. The love one.
“Oh.” She was not sure what answer she had hoped for. “No” could mean he had never loved anyone, and he never would. If he had said “yes,” it would have warmed her to know he had the capacity to love someone, but then she might be jealous of some long-dead woman.
“All right, no love,” Amaranthe said. “Then how… I mean, I know how, but why did she want you?” Oops, that sounded insulting. “I mean, of course I know why she’d want you because you’re smart and athletic, and I’m sure you’d make wonderful children, and, uhm…” She cleared her throat and avoided his eyes. “What I mean is
