Uncle Chaim And Aunt Rifke And The Angel

him?'

'I lived. I wanted to die, but I lived.'

From Aunt Rifke — how not? 'You ever got married?'

'No. I lived alone, and I grew old and died. That is all.'

'Excuse me, but that is not all.' The rabbi's voice had suddenly, startlingly, turned probing, almost harsh. 'That is only the beginning.' Everyone looked at him. The rabbi said, 'So, after you died, what did happen? Where did you go?'

There was no answer. Rabbi Shulevitz repeated the question. The dybbuk responded finally, 'You have said it yourself. Houseless in the universe I am, and how should it be otherwise? The woman I loved died because I did not love her enough — what greater sin is there than that? Even her murderer had the courage to atone, but I dared not offer my own life in payment for hers. I chose to live, and living on has been my punishment, in death as well as in life. To wander back and forth in a cold you cannot know, shunned by heaven, scorned by purgatory . . . do you wonder that I sought shelter where I could, even in an angel? God himself would have to come and cast me out again, Rabbi — you never can.'

I became aware that my aunt and uncle had drawn close around me, as though expecting something dangerous and possibly explosive to happen. Rabbi Shulevitz took off his glasses again, ran his hand through his crewcut, stared at the glasses as though he had never seen them before, and put them back on.

'You are right,' he said to the dybbuk. 'I'm a rabbi, not a rebbe—no Solomonic wisdom, no magical powers, just a degree from a second-class seminary in Metuchen, New Jersey. You wouldn't know it.' He drew a deep breath and moved a few steps closer to the blue angel. He said, 'But this gornisht rabbi knows anyway that you would never have been allowed this refuge if God had not taken pity on you. You must know this, surely?' The dybbuk did not answer. Rabbi Shulevitz said, 'And if God pities you, might you not have a little pity on yourself? A little forgiveness?'

'Forgiveness . . . ' Now it was the dybbuk who whispered. 'Forgiveness may be God's business. It is not mine.'

'Forgiveness is everyone's business. Even the dead. On this earth or under it, there is no peace without forgiveness.' The rabbi reached out then, to touch the blue angel comfortingly. She did not react, but he winced and drew his hand back instantly, blowing hard on his fingers, hitting them against his leg. Even I could see that they had turned white with cold.

'You need not fear for her,' the dybbuk said. 'Angels feel neither cold nor heat. You have touched where I have been.'

Rabbi Shulevitz shook his head. He said, 'I touched you. I touched your shame and your grief — as raw today, I know, as on the day your love died. But the cold . . . the cold is yours. The loneliness, the endless guilt over what you should have done, the endless turning to and fro in empty darkness . . . none of that comes from God. You must believe me, my friend.' He paused, still flexing his frozen fingers. 'And you must come forth from God's angel now. For her sake and your own.'

The dybbuk did not respond. Aunt Rifke said, far more sympathetically than she had before, 'You need a minyan, I could make some calls. We'd be careful, we wouldn't hurt it.'

Uncle Chaim looked from her to the rabbi, then back to the blue angel. He opened his mouth to say something, but didn't.

The rabbi said, 'You have suffered enough at your own hands. It is time for you to surrender your pain.' When there was still no reply, he asked, 'Are you afraid to be without it? Is that your real fear?'

'It has been my only friend!' the dybbuk answered at last. 'Even God cannot understand what I have done so well as my pain does. Without the pain, there is only me.'

'There is heaven,' Rabbi Shulevitz said. 'Heaven is waiting for you. Heaven has been waiting a long, long time.'

'I am waiting for me!' It burst out of the dybbuk in a long wail of purest terror, the kind you only hear from small children trapped in a nightmare. 'You want me to abandon the one sanctuary I have ever found, where I can huddle warm in the consciousness of an angel and sometimes — for a little — even forget the thing I am. You want me to be naked to myself again, and I am telling you no, not ever, not ever, not ever. Do what you must, Rabbi, and I will do the only thing I can.' It paused, and then added, somewhat stiffly, 'Thank you for your efforts. You are a good man.'

Rabbi Shulevitz looked genuinely embarrassed. He also looked weary, frustrated and older than he had been when he first recognized the possession of Uncle Chaim's angel. Looking vaguely around at us, he said, 'I don't know — maybe it will take a minyan. I don't want to, but we can't just . . . ' His voice trailed away sadly, too defeated even to finish the sentence.

Or maybe he didn't finish because that was when I stepped forward, pulling away from my aunt and uncle, and said, 'He can come with me, if he wants. He can come and live in me. Like with the angel.'

Uncle Chaim said, 'What?' and Aunt Rifke said, 'No!' and Rabbi Shulevitz said, 'David!' He turned and grabbed me by the shoulders, and I could feel him wanting to shake me, but he didn't. He seemed to be having trouble breathing. He said, 'David, you don't know what you're saying.'

'Yes, I do,' I said. 'He's scared, he's so scared. I know about scared.'

Aunt Rifke crouched down beside me, peering hard into my face. 'David, you're ten years old, you're a little boy. This one, he could be a thousand years, he's been hiding from God in an angel's body. How could you know what he's feeling?'

I said, 'Aunt Rifke, I go to school. I wake up every morning, and right away I think about the boys waiting to beat me up because I'm small, or because I'm Jewish, or because they just don't like my face, the way I look at them. Every day I want to stay home and read, and listen to the radio, and play my All-Star Baseball game, but I get dressed and I eat breakfast, and I walk to school. And every day I have to think how I'm going to get through recess, get through gym class, get home without running into Jay Taffer, George DiLucca. Billy Kronish. I know all about not wanting to go outside.'

Nobody said anything. The rabbi tried several times, but it was Uncle Chaim who finally said loudly, 'I got to teach you to box. A little Archie Moore, a little Willie Pep, we'll take care of those mamzers.' He looked ready to give me my first lesson right there.

When the dybbuk spoke again, its voice was somehow different: quiet, slow, wondering. It said, 'Boy, you would do that?' I didn't speak, but I nodded.

Aunt Rifke said, 'Your mother would kill me! She's hated me since I married Chaim.'

The dybbuk said, 'Boy, if I come . . . outside, I cannot go back. Do you understand that?'

'Yes,' I said. 'I understand.'

But I was shaking. I tried to imagine what it would be like to have someone living inside me, like a baby, or a tapeworm. I was fascinated by tapeworms that year. Only this would be a spirit, not an actual physical thing — that wouldn't be so bad, would it? It might even be company, in a way, almost like being a comic-book superhero and having a secret identity. I wondered whether the angel had even known the dybbuk was in her, as quiet as he had been until he spoke to Rabbi Shulevitz. Who, at the moment, was repeating over and over, 'No, I can't permit this. This is wrong, this can't be allowed. No.' He began to mutter prayers in Hebrew.

Aunt Rifke was saying, 'I don't care, I'm calling some people from the shul, I'm getting some people down here right away!' Uncle Chaim was gripping my shoulder so hard it hurt, but he didn't say anything. But there was really no one in the room except the dybbuk and me. When I think about it, when I remember, that's all I see.

I remember being thirsty, terribly thirsty, because my throat and my mouth were so dry. I pulled away from Uncle Chaim and Aunt Rifke, and I moved past Rabbi Shulevitz, and I croaked out to the dybbuk, 'Come on, then. You can come out of the angel, it's safe, it's okay.' I remember thinking that it was like trying to talk a cat down out of a tree, and I almost giggled.