Gray day. I peeked from behind the curtains at the thin sliver of sky visible from the third story of my home, one in a series of ancient row houses in the fifth arrondissement. It was the start of winter in Paris, which meant that almost every day would be gray.
I turned on my computer, then stood by the desk and stirred cream into my coffee while the computer started up. I find the series of whirs and clicks subliminally comforting, like the chirping of birds or some other sign of life external to mine. I cherish normalcy and long for as much routine as I can cram into what is otherwise a free-form existence.
I sipped the coffee. Though I don’t really need it the way some people do to pull them into consciousness, I drink it out of habit. I’d barely been asleep, a catnap really; I’d been up until the wee hours as usual, dutifully doing research needed for the book I had been contracted to write but which now bored me to impatience. Then, tiring of that, I resumed cataloging my ceramics collection while watching reruns of American television. I had gotten to the point of thinking I’d send my ceramics collection off to a university or an art museum, someplace where it would be seen. I’d gotten tired of having so much clutter around all the time, pulling at me like hands clawing from the grave. I felt the need to shed a few things.
My email finished loading and I glanced down the list of the senders’ addresses. Business, mostly: my lawyer, my editor at the wonky small press that had published my precious monographs on ancient Asian ceramics, an invitation to a party. What a life I’d made for myself over the past twenty years as a faux expert on Chinese teacups. My false identity was based on a collection of priceless cups my Chinese employer had pressed into my arms as I boarded a British ship to escape the ransacking nationalists. This had happened in
Then I noticed, in the list of emails, an address I didn’t recognize. From Zaire-oh, only it’s called the Democratic Republic of Congo now. I could remember when it was the Belgian Congo. I frowned to myself; did I know anyone in Zaire? It was probably a plea for charity or a scam, a con artist claiming to be an African prince who just needed a bit of help out of a temporary pecuniary dilemma. I almost deleted it without opening it but at the last minute changed my mind.
“Dear Lanny”-it read-“Hello from the one person you thought you’d never hear from again. First, let me thank you for honoring my last request by not trying to track me down at any point since we parted…”
Damn innocent words, written in flickering pixels on the screen.
“… I hope you’ll forgive me for imposing on you like this. For all its convenience, I’ve never gotten over the feeling that correspondence by email is somehow less polite and correct than writing a letter. I find using the telephone difficult for the same reason. But I’m pressed for time, so I had to resort to email. I will be in Paris in a few days and would like very much to see you while I am there. I hope your schedule will allow for this. Please write back and let me know if you will see me… Fondly, Jonathan.”
I scrambled into the seat quickly, fingers poised over the keys. What to say? So much bottled up inside after decades of silence. Of wanting to speak and having no one to speak to. Of talking to the walls, to the heavens, to the pigeons, to the gargoyles clinging to the spires of Notre Dame Cathedral.
I hesitated, clenched my hands into two tight fists, shook them, unfurled them, shook them again. Hovered over the keyboard. Finally, typed “Yes.”
Waiting for that day to arrive was torturous. I tried to keep a tight rein on my expectations. I knew better than to get my hopes up, but there was still a small part of me that harbored romantic dreams where Jonathan was concerned. It was impossible not to indulge in a daydream or two, just to feel joy like that again. It had been so long since I’d had anything to look forward to.
Jonathan told me about his life in his second email. He’d picked up a medical degree in the 1930s in Germany, and used it to travel to poor and remote places to deliver medical services. When one had suspect paperwork, it was easier to get past the authorities in isolated areas where a doctor was needed and harried government officials could push your case through. He’d worked with lepers in the Asian Pacific, smallpox victims in the subcontinent. A hemorrhagic fever outbreak took him to central Africa and he had remained to run the medical clinic in a refugee camp near the Rwandan border. It’s not open-heart surgery, he’d typed: gunshot wounds, dysentery, and measles vaccinations. Whatever is needed.
What could I say in response, other than to confirm the time and place we were to meet? It thrilled and unsettled me to think Jonathan was a doctor, an angel of mercy. But Jonathan was waiting for me to tell him about my life, and as I sat before the computer I couldn’t think what to write. What could I say that wasn’t embarrassing? Life had been difficult after we’d parted. I’d done stupid things, which I believed at the time to be necessary for my survival. Now, finally, my life was peaceful, almost a nun’s life and not entirely out of choice. But I had come to terms with it.
Jonathan would notice my omission, but I assured myself that he wouldn’t harbor any illusion that I’d changed in our time apart-at least not as dramatically as he had. Instead, my first email to Jonathan was full of pleasantries: how I was looking forward to seeing him and the like.
I couldn’t sleep at all the night before and sat up, looking into a mirror. Would I look different to him? I examined my reflection fastidiously, worried that there had been changes, as though I was like the women in commercials fretting over laugh lines and crow’s-feet. But there were no changes, I knew. I still looked like a college student with a permanently cross expression. I had the same smooth face that Jonathan had looked on the day he left. I still had the smolder of a young woman who could not get enough sex, even if in truth I’d had enough sex to last my multiple lifetimes. I didn’t want to look desperate when he saw me, but there was no way to avoid it, I realized, looking into the mirror. I would always be desperate for him.
Still staring in the mirror, I wondered if it would seem strange and maddening, when we met tomorrow. To look at each other, time might as well be standing still. How long had it been since I’d last seen Jonathan? One hundred and sixty years? I couldn’t even remember what year he had left me. I was surprised to find that it no longer hurt violently, that it had taken decades but the pain had eased into a dull throb, and was easily outweighed by my eagerness to see him.
I put down the mirror. It was time for a drink. I cracked open a bottle of champagne. What was the use in saving it for tomorrow in the hope that he was coming back to me? Wasn’t it enough cause for celebration that Jonathan had contacted me after an eternity of separation? I resolved to nip my hope in the bud before I changed the sheets or put extra towels in the bathroom. He was coming to visit me and nothing more.
I knew of the Hotel Prix St. Germain, but had never been there. It was a quiet place buried on an unfashionable street on the Left Bank, quite in keeping for a bush doctor in Paris for a few days. The air in the lobby was stale, and a professionally dour-looking clerk behind the front desk watched as I took a seat in one of the leather club chairs in the lobby. Did all hotel lobbies feel like this, like a room holding its breath? The chair I had selected faced the path that ran between the door and the front desk. An ornate old clock suspended over the front door read 11:48. As a young man, Jonathan had made it a rule to keep others waiting. As a bush doctor, I imagined he’d learned to be more punctual.
A discarded morning newspaper sat on the side table. Never one to follow world events, I rarely bothered to get a newspaper these days. Events confused me, they had all become similar. I’d watch the evening news and slip into an uncomfortable feeling of deja vu. A slaughter in Africa? Was it Rwanda? No, wait, that was 1993. Or the Belgian Congo, or Liberia? A head of state shot? A plummeting stock market? A plague, of polio, smallpox, typhus, or AIDS? I’d lived through all of it from a safe distance and watched as events ravaged and terrorized
