imposing silence, not entering into conversation with anyone. I had to understand her as she was and for what she was. An attentive woman and for that reason dangerous. Because extreme attention can unleash violent, unexpected reactions: It’s the price of being aware, of being overly aware.
If, like an adolescent, I fell in love one day with this woman and her visible attributes, if she ever had them, she had been losing them gradually until she played the sinister game of presenting herself as my lover to Jerico and driving my brother mad with the first great passion of his strange life of austerity without purpose, lust without enthusiasm, a lover without love. I knew Asunta’s malice exceeded both my capacity for loving and Jerico’s icy ambition. We were, in some way, pawns in a vast chess game that led to the solution, apparently ritualized, of “putting in a safe place.”
“And Jerico?” I insisted. “In a safe place as well?”
“We don’t speak of that.”
“In a safe place? What? How? Isn’t anybody going to tell me?”
“I can show you.”
“What? Not in…?”
“What it is to be put in a safe place? Wait just a little…”
“And what it is to go to bed with Max, like you?”
“What do you know-”
“I heard you.”
“Did you see us?”
“It was very dark. Don’t fuck around.”
“Black. It was black, you spying bastard!”
“Go on, don’t play around, answer me.”
“Don’t be a snoop, I’m telling you. Big nose!”
“All that not to go back to the hellhole in the desert, Asunta, the town in the north where you were nobody and put up with a macho, presumptuous, hateful husband? All that out of gratitude to the man who took you away from there and put you on your little peak of business and influence…?”
“I would have left there with or without him,” Asunta said, her face extremely tense.
“I don’t doubt it. You have a lot of guts.”
“I have smarts. I have a very clever brain. But Max was a stroke of luck that came to me. There would have been other opportunities.”
“How can you trust in chance?”
“Necessity, not luck. I would have found the means to escape.”
Mistress of the game? Even of the great Max Monroy? These questions teemed in my mind during this twilight facing the Mexican Pacific.
As if she had read my thoughts, she exclaimed: “Nobody blessed me. Nobody chose me. I made myself on my own. I think-”
“You’re the creation of Max Monroy,” I said, taking her by surprise.
“Nobody blessed me. I made myself on my own!” She grew angry.
“I can see you now, abandoned in Torreon without Max Monroy, damn dissatisfied provincial…”
I don’t know if this defense of my father came from some corner of my soul, though I realized Asunta would come at me and scratch my eyes out… I restrained her. I lowered her arms. I obliged her to leave them hanging by her hips. I kissed her with some passion, some disdain; in any case, an uncontrollable mixture of my own feelings, which may not have been very different from the emotion any man can feel if he is embracing a beautiful woman, no matter how much of an enemy she may be, no matter how…
For a moment I suspended my reason and liberated my senses. We all have a heart that doesn’t reason, and I didn’t care that Asunta didn’t respond to my omnivorous kisses, that her arms didn’t embrace me, that I forgot myself before repenting of my actions, before thinking she was responsible and that in this entire situation-I felt this as I was chewing the lipstick on her lips-we had all been concealing the most secret secret of our souls…
Because a personal emotion let loose like an animal, even though it isn’t returned, can abolish for an instant the customary hierarchies of love, power, and beauty. Why did Asunta let herself be kissed and groped without responding but allowing me to continue?
I moved her away, imagining she would say something. She said it.
“I have the bad habit of being admired,” she informed me with a cynical, even happy air of self-sufficiency. “It’s useful…”
“Sure. The bad thing is your appearance doesn’t manage to disguise your real desires. I believe-”
“What are they?” She stopped me. “What are they? my desires?”
“Serving Max Monroy and being independent of Max Monroy. Impossible.” I affirmed my own intelligence in the matter, I defended it as if it had been cornered.
“Max protects me from myself,” was her reply. “He saves me from bad luck. From my bad luck, you’re right, the misfortune of my previous life…”
“There are people who are like screens for other people. You’re Max’s screen. You don’t exist.” I spat the words at her with a kind of frivolous rage, as if wanting to bring the scene to an end, get away, conclude the farce, pick up my suitcase and my books and get away forever from the spider’s web woven by Asunta around a man, Max Monroy, who had been revealed as my father and, I told myself confusedly, whom I ought to honor, know and honor, get close to instead of Machiavelli, damn it, what was I thinking of? I thanked her, Asunta Jordan, for shaking me, taking me out of the vast juvenile illusion that I could go on with my life as if nothing had happened, write my thesis, graduate… And then, and then?
I got out of this illusion by telling myself duty is independent of desire. Bad luck. But that’s the way it is.
Who knows what Asunta read in my gaze. I saw her with a background of sudden madness.
“You’re too intelligent to be loved,” I told her as a logical consequence of my own thoughts. “What does Max Monroy think of that?”
She began to speak with unusual nervousness, as if the answers to my question were, all at the same time, an invocation to the sun to disappear immediately and leave us in the most profound darkness, yes, though they were also disconnected phrases, disguised words I had forgotten because eventually Asunta returned to her implacable, affirmative logic.
The madwoman Sarmiento was locked away forever in the asylum, she said, and the end of the day resonated in her voice.
Your brother Jerico has been put in a safe place, she said, and an armada of dark clouds announced the coming night.
Your brother Miguel Aparecido languishes in an Aragon cell and won’t come out because he’s afraid of killing his father Max Monroy.
“And Max Monroy, what about him?”
“I’ve already told you there are things Max Monroy doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to know he’s going to die. Sangines has prepared a will for him in which the heirs are Sibila Sarmiento, Miguel Aparecido, Jerico Monroy Sarmiento, and Josue Monroy Sarmiento…”
“And you, Asunta?” I asked without too much premeditation.
“I’m at the tail end,” said the poor girl from the north, the provincial I saw now disguised as an important executive, without her palazzo pajamas, her omnipresent cellphone, the glass in her hand: I saw her in a little percale dress, flat shoes, permanent-waved hair, rouged face, porcelain earrings, and a gold tooth.
That’s how I saw her and she knows I saw her that way.
My imagination had stripped her and returned her to the desert.
“And you, Asunta?”
“Don’t you dare mock me,” she said with icy fury. “I’m always at the tail end. I inherit only a handout.”
“And do you want to inherit it all?”
“Because I deserve it all. Because no one has done as much as I have for Max Monroy.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I want to inherit it all.”
“What are you going to do?”
“You know.”
