“Not so hard. You found me. Dad, I wanted to be like you.”
No, you don’t, son.
Chapter 14
The helicopter’s whirling blades kicked up dust and debris as it took off with a full load consisting of the pilot, Dale, and the four poachers, Chuck in handcuffs. Dale had been concerned about Cord, but he’d assured the sheriff that he didn’t have so much as a headache and seeing a doctor could wait. As the screaming sound eased, Shannon faced the fact that she, Matt, and Cord would be alone until it returned.
If only she and Matt had gone down first; that way she wouldn’t have to speak to Cord, could put off telling him that he’d destroyed something inside her because, as too many times before, he’d hidden behind silence.
Matt hadn’t seemed to mind. Had he been too distracted to notice how little his father said to him, or did he somehow know something she didn’t?
No, that couldn’t be.
Cord had known the poachers were up there, but he hadn’t told her because he believed she couldn’t handle it.
Despite everything she’d been through in life, he didn’t believe she was strong enough-either that, or communicating with her hadn’t been that important to him. She hadn’t wanted to be spared; she would never want that.
Over and over again she’d told Matt how much she loved him, held him until he grew restless and embarrassed because others were watching. When he and his father talked, it had been about the fight with Chuck, how fast the helicopter could travel and how much weight it could carry, tracking techniques. Cord hadn’t said a word about a father’s fears, his love for his son.
That’s all she wanted, for Cord to tell Matt how much he loved him. If he could at least do that…
And if he couldn’t…
Matt was asleep. It took her several seconds to realize her son was no longer simply resting by leaning against a rock. Because he’d slid over to one side and was slowly sinking to the ground, she helped him the rest of the way. Only then did she acknowledge that Cord was watching her.
Although she wanted to stay with Matt, she walked away from him, left him to his peace. “I don’t know what those men are going to be charged with,” she said when she’d gotten as close to Cord as she dared, not that the words mattered. “Whatever it is, we will probably have to testify. Of course, if you’re off on another rescue…” She felt a sharp pain in her left forearm and realized she’d been gripping it with all the strength in her.
“I’m proud of you,” he said.
“You are? For keeping up with you?”
“For not falling apart.”
“Apart? I-”
“I know. You aren’t a woman who caves in. I shouldn’t have tried to protect you the way I did.”
“No,” she said, surprised at his admission. “You shouldn’t have.”
“But you wanted me to.”
“What?”
“Don’t deny it, Shannon. The things you said, the look in your eyes, I knew.”
She had; she couldn’t lie to him about that. “But for you to have to weather what you did alone, why?”
“Because looking for Matt is the hardest thing you’ve ever done.”
“No, Cord.” Her arms dropped by her side. She couldn’t make them move. Couldn’t let him go this easily, couldn’t stop the words inside her. “Not the hardest.”
Although he stared at her without blinking for the better part of a minute, he said nothing. Nothing. “Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?”
He took a long, deep breath. “Summer.”
Now it was her turn to stare. Cord looked weary and she wondered if he might collapse, but he simply widened his stance and went on meeting her gaze. “I remember what you were like then,” he said softly.
She didn’t want this conversation. Not now and maybe not ever. “Thank God, things ended the way they did for Matt,” she blurted. “I think he’s going to look back at it with a sense of pride. I couldn’t have stood it if…if-”
“If you’d lost Matt, too.”
“Yes. Summer…”
“What about her?”
“She-I never got to hold her, Cord, not really.”
Despite the turmoil of her thoughts, she was aware that he’d taken a few steps toward her. “Finally.” He breathed the word.
“Finally, what?”
“We’re going to talk about our daughter.”
After everything she’d been through, she didn’t know how she could handle this, but before she could escape, he continued.
When? What was he talking about? She tried to think how to ask the question, but he was so close, and despite her exhaustion, she wanted him, wild and unthinking.
Oh, yes, unthinking. Unwise.
“I felt Summer’s spirit all the time we were following Matt,” he said. “I’d like you to know that.”
“Shannon, don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Shut me out.”
“Yes.”
He scared her, or maybe it was herself she was afraid of. “I didn’t know. You never told me.”
“Neither of us told the other what we should have.”
His words rocked her, forced her beyond herself. Had she failed him as badly as he’d failed her? “Maybe… maybe we didn’t. There weren’t any guidelines, no one telling us how to say goodbye to our baby daughter.”
“Tell me now. What was it like for you?”
He was wounded and weak, maybe as tired as Matt. If she told him that, maybe she could back away from what stirred and simmered between them, but if she did… “Do you remember what the doctors said, that she didn’t have a chance? That we were lucky she lived such a short time.”
“I remember.”
“They were right. She would have never really known what it was like to be alive. She’d…she’d never ride a horse or go hiking with you or trail after her big brother.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Cord, do you remember what you said to the doctors the day she was born?”
Instead of answering, he simply looked at her until she felt the words boil out of her. “You said that some things weren’t meant to be.”
“Sometimes they aren’t.”
She wanted to lash out at him. If she could feel anger, maybe saying this would be easier. But he’d given her back Matt, and they’d made love last night and she could never hate him. “I carried her inside me, Cord. Before we knew what was wrong with her, I’d lie there at night feeling her move. I had so many dreams-so much…I felt her being born. Me. Not you.”
“I gave her a name.”
She felt bombarded and off balance. Felt like crying all over again. “I…yes. You did. A beautiful name. And you
