THERE IS A world in my room. It is made from things no one else wanted and it is made with things that were my mother’s, that she left to me, and it has taken most of my life to make.
The world stretches from the second floorboard by the door to the radiator underneath the window. There are mountains by the wall, where the room is darkest, and great cliffs and caves. There are rivers running down from the mountains to hills and pastures, and here is where there are the first houses. Then there is the valley and the fields and the town, and after the town there are some more farms and then there is the beach and the beach road and a forest of pine trees and a bay and a pier, and finally, right by the radiator under the window, there is the sea, with a few rocks and a lighthouse and some boats and sea creatures. Strung from the ceiling on short strings there are planets and stars, from longer strings there is the sun and the moon, and from the longest strings of all, clouds, airplanes, and the light shade is a paper hot-air balloon.
The world is called the Land of Decoration. In the Book of Ezekiel it says God swore to bring the Israelites out of captivity to a wonderful country. It was flowing with milk and honey. It lacked nothing, it was a miracle, a paradise. It was so different from everything around it that it stood out like a jewel and was called “the decoration of all the lands.” When I close the door of my room, the walls fold back and there are planets and rainbows and suns. The floor rolls up and there are fields and roads at my feet and hundreds of small people. If I stretch out my hand I can touch the top of a mountain, if I blow I can ripple the sea. I lift my head and look right into the sun. I feel happy when I go into my room. But that Friday night, I didn’t notice any of those things.
I closed the door and leaned against it. I wondered if I should go back down and tell Father why I had been holding my breath. But if I did he would only say: “Have you told the teacher?” and I would say: “Yes,” and Mr. Davies had said: “No one is going to put anyone’s head down the toilet,” and Father would say: “Well, then.” But I knew that Neil would just the same. And I wondered why Father never believed me.
I sat down on the floor. A wood louse was crawling out from underneath my knees, flicking its antennae and strumming its feet. It looked like a tiny armadillo. I watched it climb the sand dunes in the Land of Decoration and wondered if it would ever find its way out again. We did an experiment with wood lice in school. We built a plasticine maze and counted the number of times they turned left or right. They nearly always turned left. This is because they cannot think for themselves. I wondered if this meant the wood louse would come out eventually or would just keep going round in circles until it died in a little crusty ball.
Darkness was closing the valley up like a book between black covers. It was sifting down over the broken- backed streets, over roofs, and over aerials, back lanes, shops, dustbins and streetlights, the railway, and great chimneys of the factory. Soon the darkness would blot out the lights. For a while they would glow all the more brightly, but eventually they, too, would be eaten up. If you looked into the sky, you would see their glow for a little while. Then nothing. I wondered what it would be like to die. Was it like going to sleep or like waking up? Was there no more time? Or did time go on forever?
Perhaps everything I thought was real would turn out not to have been and everything that wasn’t real was. I don’t know why but I looked for the wood louse. It suddenly seemed very important to find it, but I couldn’t, even though only a few seconds ago it had been there, and there was not enough air in the room and it was like someone had struck a match and it was burning up all the oxygen.
I sat back against the wall and my heart began to beat hard. Something was coming toward me, unfurling like a cloud low down on the horizon. The cloud gathered. It filled my mouth and my eyes and there was roaring and things happening very quickly and all at the same time, and then I was sitting back against the wall and sweat was running down from underneath my hair and I felt stranger than I had ever felt in my life.
And if I had to say how I felt, I would say like a box that had been turned upside down. And the box was surprised by just how empty it was.
Why I Will Not Live Very Long
I DO NOT expect to live long in this world. This is not because I have an illness or someone is going to kill me (though Neil Lewis might). It is because very soon God will bring Armageddon.
At Armageddon there will be rock faces yawning and buildings buckling and roads splitting. The sea will rise and there will be thunder and lightning and earthquakes and balls of fire rolling down streets. The sun will be dark and the moon won’t give its light. Trees will be uprooted and mountains flattened and houses will crumble to the ground. The stars will be hurled down and the heavens broken and the planets toppled. The stars will be torn down and the sea will crack with a sound like a plate and the air will be full of what was, and in the end there will be nothing left but a heap of rubbish.
We know Armageddon is close because we live in a Den of Iniquity, and Father says there is nowhere for the Righteous Man to put his foot, quite literally sometimes. We also know we are near the end because there are wars and earthquakes and famines and people having “no natural affection,” so they strap explosives to themselves or stab someone because they like the watch they’re wearing or film one another cutting people’s heads off. There are Sheep (Brothers like us) and Goats (unbelievers) and Lost Sheep (Brothers who have been Removed from the congregation or have fallen away). There are Weeds in the Wheat (people who pretend to be Brothers but aren’t), False Prophets (leaders of other religions), the Wild Beast (all world religions), Locusts (us with our stinging message), a rise in Immoral Relations (sex), and signs in the sun, moon, and stars (no one knows what they mean yet).
But in the real Land of Decoration, there won’t be any unbelievers or any war or any famine or any suffering. There won’t be any pollution or any towns either. There will be fields, and those who have died will come back to life and those who are living will never die at all and there will be no more sickness, because God will wipe out every tear from our eyes. We know this because God has promised.
Father says it’s only a matter of time before someone blows the world up anyway or money becomes useless, or a virus wipes us out, or the hole the size of Greenland in the ozone layer becomes the size of Australia. So it’s a good thing Armageddon is coming and nothing of this old world will be left.
And I think it’s good, because polar bears are starving and trees are dying and if you put a plastic bag in the earth it will never go away and the earth has had enough of plastic bags. And because in the new world I will see my mother.
Moving Mountains
ON SATURDAY MORNING I woke from a dream in which I was swimming in a gigantic toilet bowl and Neil Lewis was reeling me in on a line. As I came through the water, I woke up. The bedside clock said 9:48. In forty- seven hours and twelve minutes I might be dead.
I practiced holding my breath that day and got to twenty-eight seconds. At bedtime I had a stomach pain and had to have Gaviscon and crackers. On Sunday I woke up as if I were coming through water again, and my clothes were sticking to me and the pain was worse. I looked at the clock. There were now twenty-six hours to go.
I couldn’t eat breakfast, but Father didn’t notice. He dropped an armful of wood beside the Rayburn stove and swigged his tea. “Ready?”
I was. I had on my best pinafore and the blouse with the roses on the collar and my black shiny shoes. My hair was in plaits. I’m not sure how even they were. Father grabbed his sheepskin coat and cap and I put on my coat.
Outside, it was very still and very cold. The air was misty and the sky was one block of cloud the color of feathers. No one was about, except the dog from number 29. We went over the roundabout and turned down the hill. I could see the town, the aerials and chimneys and rooftops, the river, and the electricity pylons striding like lonely giants down the valley. And at the bottom of the valley was the factory, a great black thing with funnels and towers and ladders and pipes and above it huge clouds of smoke.
At the foot of the hill we passed the multistory car park, the bingo hall, the Labour Club, the unemployment office, the betting shop, and the pub where bleach mixes with the beer smell. On weekends there are water
